By now, you’re familiar with my “bait and switch” technique, in which the column reflects a picture, which as you read the column, discover has nothing to do with the piece. I’m usually pretty forthcoming in the subhead, which provides more direct clues to the topic at hand.
In this case, let’s dispense firstly with the picture above, which features the cover of the book, “A Fish Out of Water,” a story I remember reading countless times as a youngster, and which I always recognized to be written by Dr. Seuss (real name: Thedore Geisel). Imagine my surprise at discovering, upon Googling the title, that it was in fact written by Helen Palmer; who the hell is Helen Palmer? As it turns out, Helen Palmer’s name was actually, “Helen Palmer Geisel,” and she was married to Dr. Seuss for forty years, until her death in 1967. Talk about your “bait and switch!” Her husband had written a short story ten years before this book was published in 1961, and had given her permission to re-purpose the story, and she did, including changing the name of the fish to, “Otto,” from “Gustav” - perhaps that step was intended to make the book more relatable to American youngsters - I know at least one, “Otto,” but I can’t recall a single, “Gustav.”
Well now, that’s out of the way, and it’s merrily on to today’s engrossing topic: Professional sports franchises which have relocated to another city, but which retain their original team name, which does not properly align with the new city’s brand and identity - hilarity ensues! The list of professional sports team names must include:
Utah Jazz - Salt Lake City is not exactly known as a hotbed of jazz music and culture, but New Orleans, where this NBA team originated, and played until moving to Utah in 1979, is. Given that the Jazz stands alone in the state as the only professional sports team, I pointed my research team to the names of major universities located in Utah, in order to secure a bit of context; my results reveal:
University of Utah “Utes” - you can almost hear Fred Gwynne asking Joe Pesci (you know, from My Cousin Vinny), “Mr. Gambini, what is a ‘Ute’?” or at least I can - perhaps you’re tuned into a different frequency at the moment.
Utah State University “Aggies” - what, named after a marble?
Brigham Young University “Cougars” - their mascot is “Cosmo the Cougar,” begging the question, “Was this mascot named after a character from Seinfeld? Be honest.”
In any event, alternative names for the Jazz to consider include: “Utah Polygamists,” or “Utah Abstainers.”
Detroit Pistons - you’re about to call, “foul,” on me on this one, right? You’re thinking that this NBA team (known as the “Bad Boys” in the late 1980’s and 1990’s), calling the Motor City home, makes absolute sense. What if I told you that the team was founded in Fort Wayne, Indiana, in 1941, and was originally known as the “Fort Wayne Zollner Pistons?” Don’t worry, your knowledge of U.S. geography is still intact: Zollner is not a place; it’s the last name of the founder of the team, who also owned a company which manufactured, you guessed it, pistons. The Pistons moved to Detroit in 1957, and the name of the team remained intact, causing quite a ruckus, because Detroit. . .well, actually, Detroit had plenty of pistons too, so the name kinda’ makes sense. In the immortal words of an old Saturday Night Live character, Emily Litella: “Never mind.”
Memphis Grizzlies - this NBA team was originally located in Vancouver, where there are likely grizzly bears. Memphis has Elvis’ homestead, “Graceland,” and barbecue places and blues clubs on Beale Street. But, probably not many grizzly bears. Perhaps the Grizzlies would consider a rechristening of the team as the “Kings,” in honor of Elvis; there would be no mystery as to which extremely loud music would be played in the arena during timeouts. And, the team could ink a sponsorship deal with a shoe marketer, and hit the court in style, in. . .wait for it. . .”blue suede shoes!” Oh, the merchandising opportunities!
Calgary Flames - this NHL team performed a reverse Canada/U.S.A. relocation maneuver to the team just discussed, moving from its original home in Atlanta to Calgary. The Flames were named in remembrance of the burning of Atlanta during the Civil War by General Sherman. I don’t think Calgary is known for its fires; Chicago, now that was a real fire, in 1871, and which fire wasn’t started by Mrs. O’Leary’s cow kicking over a lantern - that story simply is not true.
Indianapolis Colts - the Colts had a grand winning tradition in the NFL, while in Baltimore, which apparently is home to many horse-breeding operations. Indianapolis’ horsepower is measured in greater multiples, at the Indianapolis 500. Might I suggest a more appropriate name: “Indianapolis Vrooms,” or perhaps, “Indianapolis Moving Van Company,” in honor of Bob Irsay’s midnight ride out of Baltimore to Indianapolis (slightly less famous than Paul Revere’s ride).
Los Angeles Lakers - this successful NBA team bears the name, “Lakers,” because, prior to their move to southern California in 1960, they were located in Minneapolis - you know, in Minnesota, the “Land of 10,000 Lakes?” The truth is, Minnesota actually contains 11,842 lakes, but, although mathematically correct, that number is a little bit less lyrical, appearing on a t-shirt. Given the robust wildfire activity each summer in California, it’s clear that there’s not much water in the state - the reason why California adopted, “The Golden State,” as its state identifier, rather than, “Land of 12 Lakes.” More appropriate team names might be, “Los Angeles Smog-Eaters,” or “Los Angeles Traffic Jammers.”
Los Angeles Dodgers - another southern California success story originated in Brooklyn, where the name developed from Brooklyn residents’ need to avoid being struck by the newly-installed, fast-moving, electric trolley cars, in the 1890’s, yielding the nickname, “Trolley Dodgers,” which was eventually shortened to, “Dodgers.” As many teams did, prior to landing on time-tested team names, the Dodgers experimented with other names, including, “Bridegrooms,” which is probably my favorite discarded name - newspaper headlines simply write themselves around this name, particularly if they end the season in second place - oh, wait, that’s “bridesmaids,” not “bridegrooms.” Well, there’s got to be a “left at the altar” punchline in there somewhere.
Los Angeles Clippers - a final entry in the “Professional Sports Teams in Search of an Indifferent Fan Base in Los Angeles,” is this NBA team, the “Clippers,” who moved up the coast from San Diego. San Diego was once known for its sailing ships (a/k/a “clippers”); you thought the name had something to do with hedge-clippers, didn’t you? Or, maybe in honor of its renowned barbers? Nope.
Los Angeles Muggers - this bonus entry in the “Hey, let’s move to Los Angeles, because there are like, four million potential fans living there” sweepstakes, came from, where else, New York. Their well-earned nickname is obviously tied to the storied tradition of petty thievery, which. . .I’m sorry, I can’t do this with a straight face - there is no Los Angeles Muggers, nor was there a New York Muggers team; although, perhaps there should have been.
As for me, I prefer sports team names of the genuine, authentic variety - say, for example, that of a mythical, flightless bird: