Local television in the Chicago area in the late 1970’s and 1980’s was awash in commercial spots run by Empire, a Chicago-based carpet and flooring company. Admit it, you’re hearing that jingle in your head right now, aren’t you? “Five-eight-eight, two-three-hundred, Empire!”
The genius behind that jingle, which is currently playing in all of our heads right now, more than forty years after its debut, was an advertising agency copywriter named Lynn Hauldren. Hauldren, who himself wrote the jingle, was enlisted by Empire to cast an actor to portray “The Empire Man,” in planned television commercials. Hauldren failed to surface a suitable candidate, and Empire’s owner, Seymour Cohen, asked Hauldren to take on the role himself.
Hauldren stepped into that role, and never left. . .including long after his death, in 2011. How, you ask?
As you can see by the gif featured atop this column, Mr. Hauldren continues his starring role in Empire’s commercials, but as a cartoon creation, rather than appearing in a live-action role, because, as I have already indicated. . .Hauldren is no longer alive. He has also been immortalized in bobble-head form (see below).
In the interest of properly connecting the dots for you, I think it’s important that I feature an image of Mr. Hauldren, when he was still alive and performing in live-action advertising (see below).
See - same guy, right?
Now, I think what Empire has done is simply brilliant. They’ve managed to solve the conundrum which caused the 16th-century explorer, Juan Ponce de Leon to travel to Florida (apparently believing it to be the island now known as Puerto Rico, according to history.com), in search of a rumored fountain of youth. Given what we know about the demography of Florida today, it’s ironic that Ponce de Leon would choose to seek out the fountain of youth in Florida. I mean, I can understand if he had considered traveling to Austin, or San Francisco, or Seattle, because those cities are teeming with youth, but. . .Florida?
By the way, my favorite 16th-century explorer was Ferdinand Magellan, who traveled from Spain to what is now known as the Philippines, via the Strait of Magellan, at the bottom of South America. More expedient routes existed, but Magellan insisted upon traveling through the waterway which bears his name. His travels have inspired the team here at Rule of Three to mount an expedition out west, in search of the Rule of Three Bar & Grill, which is believed to be located just off I-25, north of Casper, Wyoming. It’s important to get in touch with your roots.
So, rather than having your head freeze-dried, a path that major league baseball superstar Ted Williams chose, in a quest for immortality (you know, cryogenics), I believe that a simpler solution is to have a cartoon character developed in your likeness, and deployed in appropriate ways.
I’d like some say in how my cartoon character is utilized after I’m gone, however. Examples of applications for which I would give a thumbs-up (as my newly-created cartoon character, that is, because, at that point I would no longer possess thumbs) would include: performing onstage with Donald Fagen, and the rest of the Steely Dan gang (perhaps a cartoon version of Walter Becker could be developed, and added to the lineup as well, in order to more realistically approximate Steely Dan in its heyday); suiting up with the world-champion Kansas Jayhawks basketball team, and knocking down threes like nobody’s business; and graciously accepting the “Columnist of the Year” award, presented by the National Society of Newspaper Columnists.
Other suggested uses, to which I would turn up my nose (again, as the cartoon representation of me) might include: having a cavity filled by the dentist; answering the question, “Do you know why I stopped you?” posed by a traffic cop; and attending a timeshare vacation property sales presentation.
As for the bobble-head, some years ago, my brother-in-law, Bill, was gifted a bobble-head creation in his likeness, I believe as acknowledgment of his completing a quite-lucrative financial transaction on behalf of his employer; I could be wrong - he could have earned the bobble-head in recognition of getting a haircut, or successfully parallel-parking his car, or switching to a different brand of toothpaste. But, if bobble-heads were developed for such mundane accomplishments as those, there would likely be an underground nation of bobble-heads, prepared to rise-up and take over the world, in the wake of we humans destroying it. Nonetheless, I was quite envious of his bobble-head, which is an extremely effective strategy in the quest for immortality - almost as effective as the cartoon character. Unless, of course, his wife has carelessly thrown it away, in which case Bill will be soon forgotten when he’s gone.
I face a significant hurdle in my campaign to secure a bobble-head in my own likeness: I’ve never completed a quite-lucrative financial transaction on behalf of my employer. In my defense, I have gotten many haircuts, and successfully parallel-parked my car, and switched to different brands of toothpaste, so, as you can see, I’ve been pretty busy.
As memorable as the Empire Man advertising campaign has been, I cannot recall a single acquaintance who explored and purchased any Empire flooring product offerings - perhaps you know of someone who did - if you do, keep it to yourself, this is not a Yelp listing site, seeking recommendations.
But, we here at Rule of Three doff our respective caps to you, Empire Man, for achieving lasting immortality. We’re also quite envious of your bobble-head. . .assuming of course, that your wife hasn’t carelessly thrown it away.
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Bill,
Looking in the ROT archives I see you were dead twenty years ago - https://ruleofthree.substack.com/p/i-was-dead-but-im-better-now - and yet here you are today. So you have mastered immortality apparently and without a bobble head . Good for you.
MJP