The NCAA basketball tournament, culminating in the “Final Four” every April (hence the name “March Madness” - yes, I recognize that most of the tournament action does occur in March), has grown over the years, such that its size approximates “The Blob” (great movie from 1958 starring Steve McQueen), or Elvis, in his later years, or the state of Montana, which I suspect has never hosted the Final Four, because, well, Montana’s really hard to get to.
Concurrent with the growth in popularity of March Madness has been the rise in “Bracketology,” a polite term used to characterize the rampant betting on the sixty-three games included in the tournament (discounting the four “Play-In,” or “First Four” games). People in offices across the country are consumed for days with completing their brackets (or, at least they were, until 96% of office-workers retreated to their couches, early in 2020, seemingly never to return to the office), and, after submitting their brackets to the guy in the office who appears to provide no discernible benefit to the company other than performing this role each March, spend much of March “day-watching” tournament games (slightly less harmful than “day-drinking”), and updating their brackets with each game’s outcome. Challenger, Gray & Christmas, an outplacement firm (whose services should perhaps be offered to the “bracket guy” described above), has annually estimated the cost of lost productivity in workplaces; their 2019 estimate reflected $13.3 billion in lost productivity. As an aside, I don’t think I’ve ever won one of these pools, in the event the IRS is snooping around out there.
Content providers, such as me, have co-opted the iconic Final Four bracket pictured above, as a gimmick in covering a wide variety of topics, including: “Favorite Halloween Candy” (that’s a no-brainer: Snickers wins that tournament every single time); “Attractive Female Celebrities” (Men, here’s a tip for you: when your wife, or girlfriend, or other woman in your life poses the question to you regarding whether or not you find another woman, celebrity or not, attractive, the only acceptable answer is, ‘You’re the most beautiful woman in the world to me.’ Full stop. And, in completing the “Attractive Female Celebrities” Final Four bracket, this significant woman in your life must be the clear winner, beating out the other sixty-three contestants - I wonder if this tournament features play-in games? How would that even work?); and “Best Band Ever” (you can probably guess that I would choose a band whose name begins with “S,” and ends in “teely Dan,” but that’s just me).
As I thoughtfully considered topics to subject to this content gimmick, several options bubbled-up to the surface, including:
“Most Evil Serial Killers” - aside from being a bit too macabre, I’m not sure that there are enough well-known serial killers to populate a sixty-four team field. I mean, once you get past Ted Bundy, John Wayne Gacy, and Jeffrey Dahmer, who else could possibly compete?
“Best TV Shows of All Time” - this category appears to suffer from the opposite problem: too many options. There have been so many TV shows produced over the years that the bracket would have to at least double in size, and that would present problems when attempting to use the office copier to make a copy for yourself. By the way, it’s no secret that the winner in my bracket here would begin with “D,” and end in “ick Van Dyke.”
“Most Effective Bracket” - this one might be a little too “niche-y” to attract much interest. I admire the irony (kinda’ like Kramer’s coffee table book about coffee tables featured in a Seinfeld episode), and the sponsorship potential (I’m looking at you, Home Depot), but in the end, I determined that there was a lack of viability here.
We’ve heard noise lately about the “G.O.A.T.” (a/k/a the “Greatest of All Time”), sometimes used when talking about the NFL’s Tom Brady (although as a resident of the Chicago area during most of Michael Jordan’s magnificent run, I would volunteer Michael as a strong candidate in the professional sports field as well). The irony, to me, regarding use of the acronym G.O.A.T., is that for a very long time, particularly in the sports world, being labeled a “goat” was a negative tag, usually because an athlete failed miserably, and lost. Muhammad Ali of course anointed himself “The Greatest,” but I’m not sure that’s something that you can self-proclaim.
In any event, hearing the “G.O.A.T.” echoing in my head inspired my selection of “Best Acronyms” as the battleground for my own Final Four bracket - welcome to “Best Acronyms Bracketology!”
At first glance, “Best Acronyms” might not seem to offer enough options to complete a sixty-four team field (popularly known as the “Most Evil Serial Killers” conundrum), but the understated brilliance of this selection is that, if you can’t locate enough options, you can simply craft your own acronym, and add it to the tournament. Here, let me help you: “YGNABB” (“You’re gonna’ need a bigger boat!”) - pronounced “Ignabb”; “AV’s” (“Anti-vaxxers” - quite topical, no?); and “SMS” (“Single-malt scotch”).
Alright, let’s get started. Clearly “G.O.A.T.” is likely to be a number-one seed in this tournament, but even Duke, Baylor, and Gonzaga get knocked off once in a while. As the old adage goes: “That’s why they play the games.” I’m not sure how to apply that saying to this tournament, because, you know, there are no actual games to be played, but you get the idea, right?
Since I haven’t the time and energy to enumerate my sixty-four team field here, I’ll focus attention instead on those who may reach the Final Four, those four acronyms who will duke it out (an unintentional pun, I assure you) for the championship. Herewith are my suggested leading candidates for the “Best Acronyms” Final Four (and, yes, thank you for noticing - I’m a little dismayed that this isn’t the “Final Three”):
“G.O.A.T.” - usually at least one No. 1 seed survives to make it to the Final Four, and I believe this is “G.O.A.T.’s” year.
“S.N.A.P.” - “Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program” - begun in 1984, this program provides funds to needy families to secure food to feed their families. A program which fills a critical need, and it’s also a nifty acronym.
“CAPTCHA” - “Completely Automated Public Turing test to tell Computers and Humans Apart” - created in 2003 by Louis von Ahn (CEO of Pittsburgh-based Duolingo), and a couple of others, this is a test, consisting of squiggly letters and numbers, intended to ensure that people, rather than machines are responding to data entry requests.
“ASAP” - “As Soon as Possible” - this one has definitely become ubiquitous.
“RIP” - “Rest in Peace” - also ubiquitous, because, death and taxes - I couldn’t find a similar tax-related acronym, however, unless you consider such things as: AGI, AMT, EIN, EITC, NOL, or, egad! IRS, which I do not.
“NASA” - “National Aeronautics and Space Administration” - this one has had a pretty solid P.R. effort standing behind it, which is why it might gain some traction at tournament-time.
“SCUBA” - “Self-Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus” - this one deserves attention for turning a handful of very technical words into a pretty cool acronym.
“SPF” - “Sun Protection Factor” - it’s difficult to acknowledge this one without recalling the iconic Coppertone advertising, featuring the tanned girl, and the dog tugging at her swimsuit. . .
“AWOL” - “Absent Without Leave” - having originated in the military, this acronym has woven its way into ordinary life - a term not likely to be AWOL in the future.
“SNAFU” - “Situation Normal, All Fucked Up” - another military gift - I find it adorable when people try to sanitize it with “. . .All Fouled Up.” I mean, I didn’t attempt to sanitize Rule No. 2 for you - I believe that we should allow jarring language to do its job.
“SWAT” - “Special Weapons and Tactics” - you know there’s trouble when the “SWAT Team” is called in.
“NSFW” - “Not Safe for Work” - as was so eloquently stated by Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart in a 1964 obscenity case: “I know it when I see it,” I’m sure you can well imagine the types of website content which should not be unfurled in the office.
“SIM” - “Subscriber Identification Module” - I included this one because, although we’re all certainly familiar with the smart card which makes a phone “smart,” I never knew what the acronym stood for - perhaps you did not either - now you know - you’re welcome.
“JFK” - “John Fitzgerald Kennedy” - this category also includes “LBJ” (“Lyndon Baines Johnson”); “FDR” (“Franklin Delano Roosevelt”); and “POTUS” (“President of the United States”) - I’m not even sure that I know what our current president’s middle name is - sad. . .
“TGIF” - “Thank God It’s Friday” - no, not the restaurant chain, the day of the week.
“P.S.” - “Post Scriptum” (Latin) - P.S. means “written after,” and I think this one is a contender because its usage dates back to 1551 - that’s longevity, baby!
“TBD” - “To be Determined” - a personal favorite, this one is an appropriate placeholder, and allows the user to kick the can down the road - great for procrastinators.
“GIF” - “Graphics Interchange Format” - a “johnny-come-lately” acronym, used to describe animated images. Creator Steve Wilhite apparently weighed-in on the intense debate surrounding the proper pronunciation of the term, indicating that it is to be pronounced, “Jif,” but I’m not buying it - that’s a peanut butter, not a “Gif.”
“ZIP” - “Zone Improvement Plan” - be honest, did you know that’s what “Zip” in “Zip Code” stood for?
“YAHOO” - “Yet Another Hierarchical Officious Oracle” - I know Google is the league leader in search engines, but I am still a Yahoo guy - I use it every day. Apparently, its two founders lifted the term “Yahoo” from Gulliver’s Travel’s, and only later crafted an acronym tied to it - much as I have suggested above.
“OMG” - “Oh My God” - this one has become pretty common in many quarters - a companion piece might be, “LOL” (“Laugh Out Loud”).
Alright, there are my suggestions; now it’s your turn. Email your Final Four lineup, including naming an ultimate national champion (no need to waste time with the other sixty wanna-be’s) to: ruleofthreebs@gmail.com, and, you will be the winner of the fabulous Rule of Three giftpack, if your choice for the national champion is chosen by the Rule of Three team. I can’t wait to hear the thrilling rendition of “One Shining Moment” as the champion is crowned. Thanks for participating in “Best Acronyms” Bracketology!
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