Alcohol, Pickup Trucks and Failed Relationships

A guide to country music songwriting.

Country music star Morgan Wallen performed two consecutive sold-out shows last week in Pittsburgh’s PNC Park. First of all, country music in Pittsburgh? Pittsburgh’s musical heritage includes such jazz notables as: George Benson, Stanley Turrentine, Billy Eckstine, Lena Horne, Earl “Fatha” Hines, Mary Lou Williams, Art Blakey, Ahmad Jamal, Kenny Clarke, Billy Strayhorn, Paul Chambers, Roy Eldridge, Ray Brown, Joe Pass and Errol Garner, not to mention “Banjo Night” on Wednesdays at the Elks Club (an evening I heartily recommend, next time you find yourself in Pittsburgh). What the hell is country music doing in Pittsburgh?

And, no, I didn’t attend either of Wallen’s concerts, because, you know, it’s country music. In passing on this event, I missed the “2023 Morgan Wallen Pittsburgh Concert Epic Porta Potty Melee” (screenshot pictured atop this column). Ed. note: Rule of Three has labeled this altercation a “melee,” but it might more accurately have been characterized as a “fracas,” or a “skirmish,” or a “donnybrook” - take your pick).

But, apparently many of my fellow Pittsburghers are country music fans. So, in the interest of shamelessly appealing to a large demographic group, simply to attract clicks and pageviews, this week’s column will be devoted to the undeniable appeal of country music. Not the music, mind you, because once we cover the three-chord structure of every country song ever written, there’s literally nothing further to report.

No, we will instead be focusing on the lyrics attached to those three chords. Rule of Three’s research team has unearthed some interesting similarities evident in the lyrics contained in country music’s current chart-toppers. Our source was Billboard’s Country Airplay chart, which reflects the top 40 country music hits each week. Unfortunately, Billboard restricts access to that chart to registered members, and that seemed like way too much work, so the resourceful research team landed on the free-access site, youtube.com, which featured that very same list (and, related music videos). Some of the research team’s more notable findings:

• The “man” keeping us down - exemplified by last week’s number one hit, “Rich Men North of Richmond,” Oliver Anthony opens with, “I've been sellin' my soul, workin' all day; Overtime hours for bullshit pay. . .” Later in the song, Anthony disparages “. . .the obese milkin’ welfare. . .” going on to suggest that, “Well, God, if you're five-foot-three and you're three-hundred pounds; Taxes ought not to pay for your bags of Fudge Rounds.” Now, I’m not suggesting that there’s a pot/kettle thing going on here, but Anthony appears to be one of your larger country music performers; I’m just sayin’. . .Tim McGraw’s entry, “Standing Room Only,” doesn’t fit neatly into one of the primary categories highlighted here, but with lines such as, “. . .live a life like a dollar and the clock on the wall don’t own me. . .,” and “. . .I get to chasin’ that rainbow pot of gold tight into the pourin’ rain with nothin’ to show for it, standin’ there soakin’ wet. . .,” it’s difficult for me not to pigeonhole it in “The man keeping us down” category (although, reviewing McGraw’s penchant for dropping the “g” from every other word in these lyrics, that category name should probably be amended to “The man keepin’ us down.”

• “The South” - Another theme that surfaces in Anthony’s “Rich Men North of Richmond” (it’s right in the title, for Chrissake!) is regionalism - country music is considered to be a Southern birthright, which again begs the question: What the hell is country music doing in Pittsburgh? A related theme might be the virtues of growing up in a small town - Jason Aldean’s “Try That in a Small Town” may or may not be a racist, white-supremacist anthem, but, Aldean argues that it simply looks back fondly on growing up in a small town. “Bury Me in Georgia,” a song by Kane Brown, also embodies the Southern esthetic.

If you're a Southerner, go ahead and pour yourself a large glass of sweet tea, and grab a moon pie. . .and then, click here to subscribe now to Rule of Three - it's free!  

• Alcohol - the number two song last week, “Watermelon Moonshine,” sung by Lainey Wilson, a rare woman performer listed in the top forty last week, highlights a universal theme in country music: alcohol. This song also featured a nostalgic look back on young love, which, let’s face it, is usually fueled by alcohol. Luke Combs’ cover version of Tracy Chapman’s “Fast Car” also hits the drinking theme pretty hard. Our friend, Morgan Wallen, checks in at number five, with “Last Night,” in which a couple drinks heavily, and the woman bails, but the dude seems to believe that the relationship is not yet over - if I were that woman, I’d consider seeking a Protection Order. Jon Pardi’s “Your Heart or Mine,” reflects the lost love theme, with a healthy dose of alcohol tossed in. Hardy’s “Truck Bed” features lines such as, “I woke up on the wrong side of the truck bed this morning; With a bone-dry bottle of Jack I was pouring; Damn, she got some nerve way she kicked me to the curb,” and, if we were playing “Buzzword Bingo,” with the title of this column as the guide, I would be furiously checking-off squares. Also, I take serious issue with Hardy’s rhyming attempts: rhyming “morning” with “pouring?” And, rhyming “nerve” with “curb?” I promise you that if I were to attempt to write a hit country song, I would more-closely hew to rhyming conventions (that was foreshadowing, in case you missed it). The most surprising thing about Scotty McCreery’s “Cab in a Solo,” is not that the dude is parked outside a woman’s house, drinking in his pickup truck, and lamenting lost love, but that he is drinking a 1998 Silver Oak Cabernet, which might retail for $120.00 a bottle.

• God/religion - an artist by the name of Jelly Roll, in his “Need a Favor,” admits to spending most Sundays “. . .Drunk off my ass. . .” but seeks God’s assistance when he’s in need. Bailey Zimmerman’s “Religiously,” also clearly hits the church chord (not one of the three chords mentioned above), but examining the lyrics more closely reveals the double-entendre meaning tied to lamenting the loss of a woman who believed in him back then.

• Failed relationships - in addition to “Religiously” (highlighted in the “God” category above, yet another Morgan Wallen entry, “Thinkin’ Bout Me,” reflects on a past relationship gone bad, and, in a bit of a self-aggrandizing fashion, wonders if the past flame is obsessed with him. Also included are the usual themes of drinking, and pickup trucks. Luke Combs’ “Love You Anyway” appears to preemptively suggest lost love. In “Angels (Don’t Always Have Wings),” by Thomas Rhett, it’s not clear if the woman had left him or not, but he indicates that she should have, because he’s “. . .a mess of a man. . .” That one is also laced with religious overtones, absolutely. Morgan Wallen scored again with “Everything I Love,” which hits the trifecta of: a failed relationship; drinking; and a pickup truck. Jelly Roll appears again with “Save Me,” an ode to his unworthiness as a human - oh yeah, the usual suspects, including drinking, and smoking, make appearances here. Dan + Shay’s “Save Me the Trouble,” is another pre-emptive strike against heartbreak, including drinking overtones.

As you can see, there appears to be a template when it comes to developing hit country songs. And, alright, you caught me - I didn’t make it all the way through all forty songs contained in Billboard’s Country Airplay chart - I only sampled the first 20. Please, God, don’t make me listen to one more second of country music! We here at Rule of Three fully understand and accept the imperative of sacrificing for our art, but, there are limits.

So, to recap - the common themes identified by Rule of Three’s research team include:

• The man keeping us down

• “The South”

• Alcohol

• Pickup trucks

• God/religion

• Smoking

• Failed relationships

• Questionable use of English grammar

Rule of Three now feels that we have the tools, and are imbued with the spirit to create our very own country music chart-topper. Here is our effort:

What I Done Last Night Was Wrong

Lyrics by Rule of Three

I grabbed the keys to my pickup,

and a pack of smokes.

And, headed down the highway

to a place called, “Blokes.”

Where the girls are friendly,

and the guys don’t care.

And, a guy like me can just disappear.

Chorus

Drinkin’ and smokin’ all night long,

thinkin’ bout dancin’ to our old song.

What I done last night was wrong.

I know that you and I just don’t belong. . .

together.

I work all week long at a shitty job,

where I hate all the workers, and the boss is a snob.

No, church ain’t where I want to be,

come the weekend here in Georgia,

I just want to be free.

Chorus

Drinkin’ and smokin’ all night long,

thinkin’ bout dancin’ to our old song.

What I done last night was wrong.

I know that you and I just don’t belong. . .

together.

So, let’s go our separate ways.

I like drinkin’, and you like to pray

Well, I pray that you’ll someday understand

that I ain’t a saint, I’m just a man.

Chorus

Drinkin’ and smokin’ all night long,

thinkin’ bout dancin’ to our old song.

What I done last night was wrong.

I know that you and I just don’t belong. . .

together.

All I have to do now is choose three chords, and it’ll be time to head into the studio. Look for “What I Done Last Night was Wrong” on Billboard’s Country Airplay chart some day very soon.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I feel the need to cleanse my palate - I’m thinking of hitting Miles Davis’ “Kind of Blue” album, or maybe some Coltrane - either “Giant Steps” or “My Favorite Things” should do the trick.

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