When did the term depot come to mean the place where you go to buy stuff? In the strictest sense, a depot is a place for storing goods, or motor vehicles, or a building for railroad or bus passengers or freight; the word also conjures up military applications. The most recognizable retailer in this genre is of course, The Home Depot (more on the pretentious insertion of the word, “The” in titles in an upcoming column); Office Depot is another one which is readily recognizable.
But, there have been many more retailers jumping onto the “Depot Bandwagon.” (Ed. note: “Depot Bandwagon” is merely a figure of speech - there is no actual vehicle, such as the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile, which travels around the country, dispensing small plastic, wiener-shaped whistles (not hotdogs, as you might think, and which many, many hungry people visit around lunchtime, in the mistaken belief that the driver of the Wienermobile is providing tasty Oscar Mayer hotdogs to visitors - I learned that lesson the hard way). Also, “Depot Bandwagon” (and, “Wienermobile,” for that matter) would be an excellent name for a band, no?)
A random website named, us-companies.info reflects 5,137 organizations including the word “depot” in their company’s name. So, in an attempt to highlight the importance of the filibuster, much discussed recently in Washington, D.C., I’d like to provide you with that list in its entirety - here goes: “Depot Manufacturing Company;” “The Home Depot Inc.;” “639 Depot Road, LLC;” “64 Depot Street, LLC;” “204 Depot;”. . .alright, I give up - I don’t know how Jimmy Stewart did it, in Mr. Smith Goes to Washington - I’m exhausted already.
I will, however, provide you with a glimpse into some of the more memorable “Depot” companies which caught my eye, upon reviewing that list. The list of those organizations which I believe truly strike a chord for the cause of “Depot-ism” include:
The Children’s Depot - I presume this isn’t some alternative adoption agency, but instead sells goods, such as toys and clothes, which children might find desirable.
Gumby’s on Depot - I love that flexible, green guy - I had a Gumby as a youngster (my brother had a Pokey). And, I believe Eddie Murphy’s portrayal of this iconic character on Saturday Night Live was spot-on - it was as if my childhood Gumby had come to life.
The Wine & Cheese Depot LLC - of course you’re going to want to limit your liability if you’re selling booze of any sort. I mean, look at what happened to Al Capone - yes, I know he wasn’t actually convicted of selling illegal booze, or killing people, but he was jailed for income tax evasion, and contracted syphilis, which eventually killed him, so, there must be a cautionary tale in there somewhere.
Gold Depot, Inc. - wait, isn’t that Fort Knox? Everything I’ve learned in my life regarding geography I learned by watching James Bond movies (and also by playing “Geography Baseball” in 8th Grade at Joseph Sears School, in Kenilworth, Illinois - thanks, Mr. Karp).
Beeper Depot of Port St. Lucie, Inc. - my sense is that this business is crushing it these days - no self-respecting Wall Street superstar, A-list movie star, or drug dealer would be caught dead without a beeper - gotta’ stay in touch constantly, right? I’ll continue scouring the list for “Buggy Whip Depot.”
Victoria Depot - these guys better not be selling women’s lingerie, or there’s going to be hell to pay.
Nail Depot - there are multiple listings for this one. Hey, do you want to bet me as to whether these companies sell nails for use in home construction, or something related to the painting of women’s nails? Nah, I don’t care either.
E Cigar Depot - what, they sell virtual cigars? That tears it, I’m calling the Better Business Bureau.
Fat Boy Beauty Depot Inc. - boy, talk about your niche market. . .well, I suppose even fat boys want to feel beautiful.
Fireworks Depot Inc. - I wouldn’t be at all surprised to discover nothing but rubble when I arrive there to purchase products to satisfy all my fireworks needs.
Flip Flop Depot, Inc. - I laced this one in here, because I thought to myself, now, that’s amusing. But, I’m coming up empty regarding a punchline, so I welcome your input here - please help! You may post your punchline in the comments section accompanying this column, or, if you do not wish to wave your flag publicly, you may email Rule of Three at: ruleofthreebs@gmail.com.
Foam Depot, Inc. - now, either they were attempting to capitalize on the phonetic similarity with the league leader, The Home Depot (although they clearly missed the “Pretentious ‘The’” memo), or it’s simply a place containing a whole bunch of pieces of foam - I recall taking my two-year-old son to a place with a pit containing pieces of foam, into which you could jump over and over - if that’s what this is, that would be awesome!
Flag Depot, Inc. - very patriotic, indeed! I believe I saw that this outfit conducted a clearance sale on all flags and flagpoles last January 5th.
Fly Away Depot Inc. - this is another one subject to interpretation - is it a travel agency, or a pest control business? We’ll never know.
Fresh Fish Depot, Inc. - I hope this business is committed to timely logistics, because, as Benjamin Franklin once said, “Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
Fun and Games Depot, Inc. - I would have opted for “Tomfoolery Depot” instead, but, I suppose this name is descriptive too.
Gas Price Changer Depot, Inc. - due to the extreme volatility of gas prices, there must be a market for machines which are able to reflect increased gas prices at a moment’s notice, lest gas stations leave a nickel on the table.
$9.99 Shoe Depot - I’m sure that’s a mighty fine pair of shoes - I’ve been looking to up my shoe-game.
Unique Beverage Depot Corp. - in the course of attempting to satisfy Rule No, 1, I’ve sampled most of your garden-variety beverages out there - what exactly is this beverage, and what makes it unique?
Pigeon Depot, Inc. - really? There’s a need to outsource pigeon procurement activities? My advice to anyone in need of pigeons is to travel to the corner of Madison and Wells streets at the edge of Chicago’s Loop, and you will encounter pigeons beyond your wildest dreams.
Boat Repo Depot, Inc. - I just dig the alliteration provided by saying this company’s name, really fast, over and over again.
Greyhound Bus Depot Inc. - when I think depot, this is actually what I think of.
Hydroponic Depot, LLC - wait, wait, I know this one - it’s code for something, don’t tell me. . .
Woodstock Storage Depot LLC - in the event you weren’t able to satisfy your consumer needs at Hydroponic Depot, or the more transparently-named, “Cannabis Depot, LLC,” head to Woodstock - they likely have several different strains available.
Casket Depot, Inc. - after visiting all the other “Depots,” it’s inevitable that you’ll wind up here.
You get the idea - there’s a depot out there to service your every need. Although, I think they might have missed a few. Herewith, are my suggestions:
The Gnome Depot - I’m attempting here to replicate the “Foam Depot’s” resounding success at mimicking the most recognizable “Depot” out there. And, I’ve cleverly included the “Pretentious ‘The’” in this company name, enhancing its authenticity. This one deserves a shout-out to my wife’s Aunt Debbie, who has populated her modest house in the Chicago suburbs with hundreds of painted gnomes, and tree stumps, and trompe l’oeil applications covering virtually every square inch of her home.
Teapot Depot - this one is an illustration of the complexity of the English language, as regards pronunciation. Unlike “Repo Depot,” this one doesn’t rhyme, although viewing the spelling as a foreigner, just learning the English language, you might think that it should.
Lionel Model Trains Depot - this is positioned as a retailer, yes, but it also acknowledges its true depot heritage, as a junior partner in the family business of railroading.
Even though 5,137 companies have opted to deploy “depot” in some way in their company name, I think there are other, stronger alternatives out there. Perhaps co-opting the name of an iconic South American river would resonate with consumers - ah, forget it, that’s just plain stupid.
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