Anyone Can Grow Up to be President. . .

. . .with the possible exception of guys named, "Adlai Stevenson," or "Thomas E. Dewey."

The quote that I’m excerpting in the title above actually reads, “Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn’t grow up can be vice president,” and is attributed to, get this, Johnny Carson. Admit it, you thought the maxim about anyone growing up to be president was intended to be an inspirational message to the youth of America, highlighting the fact that anyone can become president of the United States, if they put in the effort, and persevere, and strive to achieve their dreams; not the punchline of a joke manufactured for late-night talk-show television of the 1960’s. And, the quote was echoed by another 1960’s icon, George Carlin, who said, “In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.”

So much for the uplifting inspirational message to the youth of America which I was planning on delivering in this piece. Now, I’ll have to pivot to a snarky, sarcastic theme; I wonder if I’ve got the chops for that?

I’ve always been a presidential “wonk.” In fact, I can rattle off all forty-four presidents (I know that the current president is no. forty-five, but I would point out to you that one of them, Grover Cleveland, was both our twenty-second and our twenty-fourth president, with Benjamin Harrison sandwiched in-between - that is indeed a hearty sandwich, given the substantial size of both gentlemen - not in the same weight-class, say, as our twenty-seventh president, William Howard Taft, but good-sized, nonetheless), in order, from George Washington, all the way up to Donald Trump. Sorry, in keeping with the non-political theme of this column, I’m not legally allowed to proffer a prediction as to whether or not we will be adding another name to that list in a few short days. I’m confident that, if there is a new name added, I will be able to absorb it seamlessly, and continue to amaze (and amuse) those around me with my recitation. You’d think that executing this parlor trick might have earned me at least a free drink somewhere down the line, but no!

I remember the figurines featured in the photo at the top of this column very well, having collected them as a promotional item from my mother’s weekly trip to a grocery store in the Chicago area: Jewel Food Store. I even remember the styrofoam viewing stand pictured above. And, how each president was depicted:

• George Washington (No. 1), with his yellow pants (yellow? really?).

• Thomas Jefferson (No. 3) and Andrew Jackson (No. 7), each with their left-hands extended - were they both lefties? My limited research study budget prevents me from verifying their dominant hands.

• Calvin Coolidge (No. 30), clutching a yellow hat in his left hand (again with yellow? And, with the left hand?).

• Franklin D. Roosevelt (No. 32), wearing a cape, and standing erect, sans cane or wheelchair. A cape? Who is he, Sherlock Holmes?

• Harry Truman (No. 33), one of five gray-suited presidents in the collection, holding his two hands straight out in front of him, as if preparing to awkwardly receive a pass from an unseen, presidential quarterback, or perhaps indicating the size of the trout he had recently hooked.

• Lyndon Johnson (No. 36), whose figure I recall least, but who, in the photo above appears to be gesturing with his right hand; perhaps he’s reaching to grab his beagle by the ears, or maybe to retrieve a bottle of bourbon housed in a desk drawer.

Now, you’re probably wondering why I’m picking on Thomas E. Dewey and Adlai Stevenson in the subhead above. These two are the most recent two-time losers in presidential elections: Dewey in the 1940’s, and Stevenson in the 1950’s. They are joined in this not-so-prestigious club by Charles Pinckney in the early 1800’s - I guessed that you had probably never heard of him - a pretty good bet, no?

But, the clear leaders in the clubhouse in the presidential futility game are: Henry Clay, who failed in his quest in 1824, 1832, and 1844 (the last run at the age of 67) - you gotta’ admire his chutzpah; and William Jennings Bryan, who first unsuccessfully ran for president in 1896, and subsequently in 1900, and again in 1908. Bryan was later well-known as the guy on the other side of the Darwinism argument in the famed, “Scopes Trial,” which was defended by Clarence Darrow, in July, 1925; five days after the conclusion of the trial, Bryan was dead, and unable to run again for president.

And, we know that Bryan was unable to run again for president, because the U.S. Constitution (Article II, Section I, Clause 5) stipulates that, to serve as president, one must:

• be a natural-born citizen, or a citizen of the United States, at the time of adoption of the Constitution.

• be at least 35 years old.

• be a resident in the United States for at least 14 years.

Actually, as I read those requirements, nothing specifically states that a president must be a living person; I suppose that’s kind of implied. Now, don’t you Chicagoans get any ideas! Chicago is where residents are urged to “Vote early, and vote often,” and where the dead have been discovered to have provided an unusually high voter turnout in some elections - typically not voting for a dead candidate, however.

We went through a bit of a “presidential shorthand” phase, beginning with Franklin Delano Roosevelt, in which presidents were known by their initials, including their middle initial: “FDR,” “JFK,” and “LBJ.” This practice came to an abrupt end, with the election of Richard Milhous Nixon - “RMN” apparently doesn’t roll off the tongue as easily as the other three. Now, of course, no.’s 33 (Harry Truman) and 34 (Dwight Eisenhower) were also presidents during that stretch, but didn’t qualify for the shorthand moniker; Truman’s case was somewhat unique, which I’ll cover shortly, and Eisenhower (who was known as, “Ike,”) would have yielded “DDE,” which sounds like either a household disinfectant, or a 1960’s beach-movie heroine. Inspired by this shorthand tactic, I reviewed my own options: “WAS” reflects my given name, but seems to imply past-tense; I have wisely opted instead to identify myself with my nickname initials, “BS” - if it’s “BS” you want, I’m your man!

I conducted exhaustive (for you reading it, I mean) research on presidential middle names, and have uncovered the following:

• The first four presidents had no middle name - apparently, middle names were not yet a “thing” back then.

• James Monroe (no. 5) was the first president to sport a middle name: “Spence," which sounds vaguely British - a curious choice for an American Founding Father; perhaps the character on King of Queens was named after this “Spence”?

• John Quincy Adams (no. 6) was the first beneficiary of presidential nepotism (his father, John, was no. 2), and apparently utilized the middle name to distinguish himself from his father, referring to himself as, “JQA” (which doesn’t appear in the presidential shorthand trifecta above - perhaps he was simply ahead of his time); Benjamin Harrison (no. 23) was the grandson of William Henry Harrison (no. 9), who served barely one month, dying from pneumonia after giving a really long inauguration speech in the pouring rain.

• Franklin Pierce (no. 14) is rumored to have had a middle initial, “K,” alleged to have stood for, “Kendrick,” the maiden name of his mother, Anna. Wait, what? Anna Kendrick? Why is that name familiar? Oh yeah, she’s an actress - think, Pitch Perfect. Also, this guy was president of the United States, and none of the erstwhile journalists of the day were dogged enough to verify his middle name, or middle initial? I’m very disappointed in journalism; although this happened some one-hundred-sixty-five years ago, I don’t think it’s too late to register my disapproval.

• James Buchanan (no. 15) remains the only bachelor president; Grover Cleveland (nos. 22 and 24) married after being elected president. Cleveland’s daughter, Ruth, was allegedly the inspiration for the Baby Ruth candy bar. Reggie Jackson, in the 1970’s, believed that the candy bar was named after Babe Ruth, and demanded his own candy bar. Ironically, he may be right - Curtiss Candy Company likely denied the Babe Ruth connection, in order to avoid paying royalties to “The Babe.” But, when is the last time you saw a “Reggie” bar in a store?

• Ulysses S. Grant (no. 18) was born Hiram Ulysses Grant - solid decision dropping the “Hiram,” Mr. Grant; and once again appears Grover Cleveland, who apparently was born, Stephen Grover Cleveland - dropping Stephen in favor of Grover causes serious questions regarding his decision-making abilities; another questionable pivot to a middle name comes from Woodrow Wilson (no. 28), whose first name was a palatable, “Thomas,” and who instead adopted his middle name. And, Calvin Coolidge was apparently born, “John Calvin Coolidge” - what’s with all these name-changers in the Oval Office? Perhaps flip-flopping is a critical presidential attribute.

• Warren Harding (no. 29) had the good sense to stick with Warren, rather than utilize his middle name, “Gamaliel.” Matt Groening could certainly have adopted, “Gamaliel,” as a name for Bart’s friend, “Milhouse,” lifted from Richard Nixon’s middle, and not missed a beat.

• Harry S Truman (no. 33) has no middle name, but was apparently assigned the letter, “S,” as a nod to family names from both sides of his family (and, yes, the lack of a period after the “S” is intentional - I believe that is the correct way of representing his name); the “S” is perhaps a better solution than the one devised for Richie Petrie, from the Dick Van Dyke Show, whose middle name, “Rosebud,” was concocted from the names of seven beloved family members.

• Gerald Ford (no. 38) was born, “Leslie Lynch King.” What? Gerald Rudolph Ford came at age two, when he was adopted. Perhaps that’s why Ford was never elected president (he became president upon Nixon’s resignation, and lost the next election to Jimmy Carter); voters didn’t know who he was. Bill Clinton (no. 42) was born, “William Jefferson Blythe,” and became, “Clinton” upon his adoption as a teenager.

• George Herbert Walker Bush (no. 41) certainly has more than the minimum Recommended Dietary Allowance (“RDA”) of names, owing to his shoehorning all three of his maternal grandfather’s names into his own; his son, George W. Bush (no. 43), had the good sense to absorb only one of those middle names.

Whew! That was exhausting, no? My offer to rattle off the names of all of our presidents in order still stands. But, I’m no longer doing it for nothing - I want a candy bar named after me. . .but, I’ll settle for a free drink.