Ed. note: This piece is intended neither to endorse the Second Amendment-fueled right provided to Americans to possess guns, nor to support efforts designed to reduce the number of guns possessed by Americans; rather, these observations aim merely to report findings from the field.
There are a lot of guns in the suburbs. . .apparently. The extensive research which supports this conclusion consists mainly (well alright, entirely) of noting that the magazine section in my local grocery store, which includes six sections of shelving, dedicates two full sections to magazine titles devoted to guns. If my math is good, that amounts to 33.3% of the total space available. To my mind, that suggests that 33.3% of the leisure-time of my fellow suburbanites is focused on gun activity. The sharp-eyed among you will note that an auto magazine has shoehorned its way into the rack, and, further, that one magazine appears to be dedicated entirely to fishing, an activity not typically powered by firearms (although, I must say that I am intrigued by the cover-story regarding “slab crappies” - I’m definitely going to pick up that edition of In-Fisherman to learn about that! If it turns out that there’s a connection to SpongeBob SquarePants, I’ll let you know.). Perhaps we can agree that the number is at least 30%.
I don’t know about you, but the fact that 30% of the people with whom I regularly socialize (alright, you got me, I don’t actually socialize with any of these people - I might toss a friendly wave at a few of them as I drive out of the neighborhood) own guns, and have an interest in using them, frankly terrifies me. You might recall the picture of the suburban St. Louis couple last summer, defending their turf (pictured below). I would definitely quit complaining about their dog relieving itself in my yard, if I knew my neighbors were subscribers to Be Ready magazine.
Setting aside for a moment the antics of polo shirt-clad Bonnie and Clyde, let’s consider the underlying reasons for the popularity of guns amongst suburbanites. There are absolutely solid reasons for mild-mannered suburbanites to possess firearms: hunting; target-shooting; and shooting at neighbors who complain about their dog relieving itself in their yard.
I don’t think I’ve ever held a real gun in my hands. As a youth at summer camp, we were equipped with BB guns, and spent time time shooting at tin pie plates - they resonated with a lively “ping” sound, when the BB found its mark. There was also an air-rifle in our household at one time. But, real guns - no; I mean, it was the suburbs, man!
Having lived for ten years in the Detroit area, I can attest that opening day of deer hunting season in Michigan is akin to a national holiday. The schools in Michigan are closed that day in honor of the occasion, just as I imagine that schools in Queens are closed on Festivus, Frank Costanza’s holiday alternative to Christmas, as depicted on Seinfeld. It’s a good thing that these two holidays don’t share rituals and traditions - “airing of grievances” whilst armed would probably be a really bad idea. Below is a favorite Far Side cartoon, which may or may not be an appropriate visual aid here, but regardless, it’s just darn funny.
Never having visited a gun-range for target shooting, nor attempted to shoot “skeet,” my only frame of reference regarding these activities is what I have seen on TV and in movies, which may or may not reflect reality. Shooters in a gun-range facility are generally shown wearing headphones, while blasting away at paper targets fifty or so feet away. That makes we wonder what playlist is being deployed at these facilities. I’ve got to imagine that head-banging rock is likely the choice here - maybe Metallica, or Def Leppard, or Guns & Roses (Clapton’s “I Shot the Sheriff” might merit an honorable mention here); likely not in the rotation: The Carpenters, or Barry Manilow, or James Taylor.
When I first encountered the word, “skeet,” I wondered whether shooting skeet was yet another ruse perpetrated by the same people who brought us “snipe hunting,” which, if you are not familiar with this activity, please email me your bank account number and routing number, and I will ensure that a Nigerian prince promptly deposits millions of dollars into your account. Such exercises are sometimes referred to as “wild goose chases,” which puzzles me, because I have to imagine that chasing wild geese is an actual thing, and one which my well-armed suburban neighbors might be engaging in right now - assuming that it is, in fact, wild goose season, and the schools have been properly closed to enable our youngsters to participate.
Skeet (I think the plural of skeet is, “skeet,” just as the plural of money is, “money” - “monies” is just wrong, in my opinion) are round discs made of clay, which are mechanically launched when the shooter yells “pull,” at which time the shooter fires away, attempting to smash the clay skeet to bits. These objects are sometimes referred to as “clay pigeons,” which suggests an opportunity to me: If these clay pigeons can be settled in cities in which real pigeons have taken hold, displacing the real pigeons, the pigeon-dropping problem in cities could be solved - as far as I can tell, clay pigeons aren’t capable of producing waste, except when they are blown to bits by shooters, and that appears to create dust, which is easily washed away during the next rainfall - problem solved! It’s been a lot of years since I have passed the intersection of Wells and Madison, in downtown Chicago (under the “El” tracks), but that location appeared to be a very popular vacation-spot with Chicago’s pigeon community (“Hey honey, what do you say we gather up the kids and visit Wells and Madison next week? It’s lovely this time of year.”).
Other types of pigeons with which you may be familiar include: “stool pigeon” (a police informant); “pigeon” (an easy mark, or a “dupe”); and “pigeon” (a young woman - hey, I’m not making this up - Merriam-Webster lists this as the no. 2 definition, after the bird, and before the other two I have listed - as a fan of old black-and-white movies produced in the 1940’s and 1950’s, I believe I’ve seen young women referred to as pigeons - the English language has such a rich and confusing history - no wonder Nigerian princes struggle so much in their quest for authenticity). I think, in those same movies, I’ve heard young women referred to as “tomatoes,” but I’ll save that for a future column on organic gardening.
Guns in the suburbs clearly confound me; guns in the inner city, and in the rural hinterlands somehow make sense to me - firearms are infused in the culture of these places. I’ll allow Al Capone, an acknowledged authority on guns, the final word here - Capone might have said, “You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.”
And, allow me to provide a bit of personal branding advice to our suburban St. Louis friends - Bonnie & Clyde are pictured below, in a playful moment - the real ones, not Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty - take note, suburban St. Louis couple - this is how an authentic gun-toting couple should look.
Shameless Marketing Tactics
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