Dedicated readers of Rule of Three are an inquisitive bunch. And, we here at Rule of Three believe that we’re equipped to dispense useful advice in response to the thorniest questions posed by thoughtful readers. With that said, let’s engage. (Ed. note: Although Rule of Three has the best of intentions in responding to reader queries, it recognizes that, in these hypersensitive times, certain practical advice may not be considered (insert air quotes here) “politically correct,” or “culturally sensitive,” or even “grammatically correct” (blame our high school English teachers for that last transgression). So, can we agree right here and now that you will ignore the unedited response, which will be provided first, and focus your attention on the edited version, which will appear directly after, and also that we disavow any wrongdoing, and you promise not to hold us responsible for anything said inadvertently, and. . .well, I think Brian Doyle-Murray’s character, Lou, the caddy master in Caddyshack, says it best, in this extremely brief clip. . .. . .or anything that might get me fired.
Dear Rule of Three:
I have been happily working from home (WFH) the last two years, due to the pandemic, and this arrangement has worked out quite well, in my opinion. But, now that the impact of COVID-19 appears to have stabilized somewhat, my employer is requiring that I, and my co-workers, return to the office every day. Even though my employer has invested significant resources in improved HVAC equipment, which greatly improves the quality of airflow in the office, and in extensive daily cleaning operations, I simply don’t feel safe in returning to the office.
Also, I have my Pilates class every Wednesday morning, and my two dogs, Zoe, and Leonardo DiCaprio, would be quite lonely without me around them all day long. I mean, why was Zoom invented, if not to enable office workers like me to function away from the office?
Please help!
Hard-Working Employee,
Hunter (Chicago, IL)
Unedited Response
Dear Hunter:
WFH? WTF! You strike me as an entitled young man, who not only violates Rule No. 2 (the “douchebag” one) with great regularity, but could run for mayor of “Douchebagtown,” and attract a fair number of votes. My advice to you, since you asked, is, get your ass back to the office now! As requested by your employer. You know, the guy who signs your paycheck. And, when you do, leave the pajama-pants at home. You’re lucky I’m not going to come over there and smack you. Geez, what is it with these morons?
Annoyed at your Selfish Arrogance,
Rule of Three
Edited Response
Dear Hunter:
Thanks so much for reaching out to us. You highlight some very critical workplace issues, which the pandemic has served to surface for discussion. Personal safety in the workplace is paramount, and you’re absolutely entitled to feel safe and respected in any place that you consider to be your workplace, be it the office provided by your employer, or your couch at home, or at the park, with your dogs (Zoe and Leo sound delightful, by the way), or at the gym during Pilates class.
And, shame on your employer for not recognizing your right to conduct business in the manner in which you find most appealing. Your priorities are in the right place - Zoe and Leo need your constant, hands-on attention at this point in their development - kids (and, dogs) are the future, and we owe it to them to lead by example.
I’d also like to remind you that Zoom has a button which can be pushed, disabling video, if, for example, you’re having a bad hair day, or you just don’t feel like like sharing yourself with everybody that day - that is your absolute right. You come back to the office when you’re ready.
Appreciating Your Work Ethic,
Rule of Three
Dear Rule of Three:
I watch a lot of Food Network on television, and particularly enjoy Chopped - the contestants are so creative in constructing meals out of such odd ingredients. I’ve been selling insurance for twenty years, and I don’t find the work all that interesting. I’d like to just quit my job, and go to culinary school, and learn to be a chef - I think I could be an amazing chef.
But my wife feels that quitting my job would be irresponsible, given that we are currently raising two school-age children, and struggling to make ends meet as it is. This debate is causing quite a strain on our marriage - I think she’s considering leaving me. What do you think? Should I simply go for it? Or, should I continue with my dead-end job, for the sake of the kids?
I know your advice will be quite helpful - I look forward to your response.
In Search of Fulfillment,
Jack (Phoenix, AZ)
Unedited Response
Dear Jack:
I think in order to provide you with appropriate advice, I need a bit more information. Your wife - what kind of a gal is she? Does she attract attention when she walks down the street? From guys, I mean? Does she take care of herself? Is she open to relocation?
Committed Always to Women’s Happiness,
Rule of Three
Edited Response
Dear Jack:
I can tell that you have that creative spark which would make you an excellent chef. We here at Rule of Three are also avid fans of Chopped, although rather than the current four mystery items included in the basket, we feel that three is the appropriate number. But, why quibble?
Perhaps you could locate a second job at a restaurant, in the kitchen, as an assistant, which would enable you to gain hands-on cooking experience - perhaps your local Red Lobster is in need of some help. In that way, you could begin to build your culinary experience, without sacrificing your current income. Later, armed with that experience, you could begin to explore employment opportunities in the restaurant field, which might approximate your current income as an insurance salesperson, and execute that career-pivot, which is very common, and laudable, these days.
We also suggest that you work to nurture your marriage; do you think your wife would be open to counseling? It’s very important that you two collaborate and develop strategies which provide a decent living for your family, but which also satisfy the personal growth and emotional needs of each partner, as well as of the kids. Make sure that you tell her that you love her, and value her as a partner, and practice your active listening skills with her. We believe that she will recognize that supporting your path to “chef-hood” is a winning strategy for the entire family.
And, please don’t neglect your current employer - selling insurance is a noble mission, and one which serves a valuable function in society. If you could identify a young person whom you could mentor, and train, when you reach the point at which you are ready to don the chef’s cap full-time, you will be able to pass the baton (or, whatever it is that an insurance salesperson wields) to that rising star to move into your role there.
Also, it’s important that you focus on your dental health - healthy teeth begin with healthy gums. Regular brushing should be a part of your daily routine, with a firm, but not too stiff toothbrush, and with at least fifty strokes conducted in a circular fashion, utilizing a toothpaste recommended by four out of five dentists. And, let’s not forget flossing - also a key part of maintaining solid dental health.
Regular automotive care is also a must for you. Do you regularly have your tires rotated? Are your oil changes performed timely? Basic maintenance steps performed regularly will stave off serious automotive problems downstream.
You also have a responsibility for keeping your own “chassis” in top-notch running condition. Do you visit the gym regularly? Have you adopted a solid fitness routine, including cardio, and lifting? That fitness regimen, coupled with healthy eating habits, will ensure excellent physical health.
We’re in Your Corner,
Rule of Three
Dear Rule of Three:
My son, Jason, is creating a Science Fair project at his school, and I fear that he’s simply not equipped to compete effectively with the “science nerds.” The only science experiment I’ve ever seen him involved with is the “Mentos and Coke” bit, but, let’s face it, there are like a million YouTube videos featuring that particular experiment - not exactly ground-breaking science.
As a trained chemical scientist, I feel as if I could provide some very specific assistance to my son, and help him craft a science project which would knock some socks off at the Science Fair. But, my concern is that other parents might feel as if my professional training has provided him with an unfair advantage.
I do so want Jason to be successful in this competition - he doesn’t have many friends, and this could be quite a feather in his cap. Do you think that I should help him with his project, or should I let him chart his own course here? I appreciate any advice you can offer.
Your Science Nerd Mom,
Elaine (La Jolla, CA)
Unedited Response
Dear Elaine:
Now, this is indeed a fascinating conundrum. On the one hand, you’d like to help your son succeed in this endeavor, and his chances of success could be greatly enhanced with your assistance. But, on the other hand, you want to let your “little bird” fly on his own, and make his own way in the world.
From the evidence you’ve provided to me, it sounds as if your Jeremy (Jason!), sorry, Jason, is not really all that bright, and those “science nerds” would eat him alive. Why does he want to compete in this thing anyway? Is he not good at sports? Never learned to play an instrument? You know, chicks dig guitar players - maybe you could buy him a guitar.
Well, best of luck to you, and young Josh (Jason!), er, Jason.
Distractedly Yours,
Rule of Three
Edited Response
Dear Elaine:
We understand your dilemma completely here at Rule of Three. As parents, we want nothing but the best for our kids. And, certainly, there is nothing better than winning a prestigious school Science Fair competition - we have no doubt that would make Jason a clear “B.M.O.C. (Big Man on Campus).”
Stealth is the critical ingredient here; assist Jason with his project, but make sure you provide that help away from prying eyes - at home, with the shades drawn, no digital fingerprints whatsoever, the use of burner phones where necessary. If we learned nothing from the “Hollywood Elite College Admissions Scandal,” it is that the tireless efforts of parents to advance their children’s fortunes are not appropriately appreciated, and are sometimes rewarded with jail-time (thanks for that lesson, Lori Laughlin). And, courtesy of Bill Clinton, if confronted, “Deny, deny, deny.”
A word of caution, however: Don’t make the science experiment too perfect - that will only arouse suspicion amongst school administrators and other parents. As depicted in the “Volcano Episode” on the Brady Bunch, years ago, Peter’s volcano creation experienced a very public misfire, which, if his TV dad, Mike Brady, had a hand in developing the volcano, then, kudos to him for ensuring imperfection, which would effectively disguise his involvement in its creation. As a footnote, here is a link to an extremely disturbing take on that particular Brady Bunch episode. . .Brady Bunch - Volcano Episode .
Well, I think we’ve accomplished some good with today’s advice column. Keep those cards and letters (and, emails and texts) coming - we’re chock-full of advice, and we’re not afraid to use them (it?).
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Another excellent edition, thank you.
Possibly next time you could work in a Dr Phil, Dear Abby or Hints From Heloise (did she take input or simply bloviate?) clip or reference. Kudos for the Caddie Shack reference and clip. I believe each day should include a quote from Caddie Shack, Blues Brothers and / or Christmas Vacation, very much like the Food Pyramid - just a bit from each makes a solid balanced diet.
Sadly I read the entire Brady Bunch text and did enjoy the Mt Vesuvius reference. It’s been decades since I used Mt Vesuvius in a sentence and now I’ve done it twice .