I suppose I need to explain why I’ve chosen Vince Lombardi, the renowned head coach of the 1960’s-era, professional football champion, Green Bay Packers, who has been dead for over fifty years, to be the standard-bearer of an advice column focused on righting fashion wrongs.
Alright, I will. One of the memorable quotes attributed to Vince Lombardi, after watching a kick returner, Travis Williams, who had just scored a touchdown, and was dancing in the end zone is, “Travis, the next time you make it to the end zone, act like you’ve been there before.” Also, check out Vince rocking the wool coat and fedora look in the above picture: clearly fashion-forward.
It occurs to me that Vince’s perspective is one which should inform the dispensing of valuable fashion advice. With that, let’s move on to this week’s letters:
This from Kevin, of Washington, D.C.:
Vince, I highly value your fashion advice. I recently had occasion to visit the Oval Office for a meeting with the President, the Vice-President, and several Congressional leaders. Attached below is a photographic memento recorded by one of the photojournalists in the room with us. As you can see in the photo, I wore my “lucky socks” that day.
I want the record to be clear on this choice - I initially thought that this pair of socks was a gift from a close friend in Florida, but, upon reflection, I determined that I had purchased these socks myself, at a Joseph A. Bank retail store, here in the District. I think the message is very clear: There is no one who believes that these socks don’t belong in my sock drawer, and there is absolutely no reason for people to mount an insurrection against these socks, and demand that they be removed from my sock drawer.
Also, my sock drawer is a very big drawer, and there are socks of many hues and styles available, and I choose from among this selection each and every day, according to my mood. Although, I must admit, I recently made a decision to discard an old pair of socks, which had become a bit worn; in short, they no longer reflected my fashion-sense, and they simply had to go. My question to you: Do you believe my choice of socks on that day was a fashion faux pas?
Conservatively Yours,
Kevin
Dear Kevin:
I genuinely appreciate your question. I applaud your choice of a dark suit, and a straightforward tie, without garish cartoon characters pictured on it. But, allow me, if you will, to address the bottommost 10% of your wardrobe. It sounds to me as if you have arrived at the same decision I have, which is that your choice of socks on that day lacked adherence to the conservative dress code clearly in place regarding a visit to the Oval Office. Also, what’s with those brown shoes? Egad, man! You’re not attending a Kiwanis Club meeting in Des Moines, for Chrissake! Further, I find your use of the word “insurrection” to be an interesting choice regarding the reactions of people to the contents of your sock drawer; granted, I’m a bit aghast at your sock choice myself, but, they didn’t prompt a visceral reaction prompting me to take up arms against them. Are we still talking about socks here?
You didn’t ask, nor did I receive queries from the others in the room, but, the gentleman seated across from you missed an opportunity to properly align the blue in his socks with the blue in his suit (which, truth be known, is a bit too florescent for my taste). And, again with the footwear - it appears as if he’s wearing either moccasins or slippers, both of which would be considered inappropriate for a meeting in the Oval Office.
As for the woman seated next to him, pink is an interesting choice, but as I don’t believe we’ve crested past Memorial Day yet on the calendar, I think she may be jumping the gun a bit; at least she’s not sporting white shoes, so there’s that.
In summary, upon the occasion of your next visit to the Oval Office, please consider the advice I offer to my players who find themselves in the end zone, having scored a touchdown: “The next time you make it to the end zone, act like you’ve been there before.”
Yours Sincerely,
Vince
The next letter is from Vinny, of Brooklyn, New York:
Yo, Vinny, as a fellow member of the tightknit Vinny community, I have recently found myself involved in defending my cousin Billy in a murder case in rural Alabama. Now, I am considered to be quite a clothes-horse in Brooklyn (as evidenced by the picture I have attached below), so imagine my surprise at being ridiculed by the judge on this case, who bears a striking resemblance to Herman Munster, for the way I dress in his courtroom. As I’m sure you can appreciate, managing relations with the judge in any case, not to mention a murder case, is critical to a successful outcome of a case (in this particular case, avoiding the frying of my cousin). The question I would like to “ax” you (do you like how I’ve attempted to capture the regional dialectic peculiarities associated with this individual?) is, how do I stay on the good side of this judge, while I continue to defend my cousin, Billy?
Respectfully Yours,
Vinny
Dear Vinny:
We are not only fellow “Vinnys,” but did you know that I also hail originally from Brooklyn? You have certainly found yourself in quite a pickle. No doubt you’ve begun to learn that Alabama (as do most of our Southern states) operates by its own rules with regard to fashion, food, and . . .pretty much everything. Have you had the opportunity to try the grits yet?
As you may be aware, the Packers have had some success with players drafted from the University of Alabama, including one Mr. Bart Starr. Also, that elderly gentleman who appears in Medicare commercials these days, Joe Namath, is another quarterback who surfaced from the University. So, my advice to you is to adorn yourself with the colors of the Crimson Tide (that’s bright red to you and me), and liberally sprinkle your pleadings in court with such locally-accepted aphorisms as, “Roll Tide!” This approach shouldn’t be totally foreign to you, as I detect a smidgen of red in the photo of you which you shared with me; it’s not the right shade of red, but it’s a start. I would advise that you lose the bow-tie, and the extremely wide velvet lapels - it’s a little Jefferson Davis meets John Travolta, no? And, deploying a “Roll Tide” foam finger in court certainly couldn’t hurt.
I hope that you find this advice helpful, and that your cousin, Billy, successfully avoids being fried. And, to echo the advice I offer to my players who find themselves in the end zone, having scored a touchdown: “The next time you make it to the end zone, act like you’ve been there before.”
Yours Sincerely,
Vince
Our final letter this week comes from Orenthal, of Brentwood, California:
Dear Vince:
I find myself in a most distressing situation, and I’m hopeful that you can help me. I recently lost a pair of Aris Light, cashmere-lined leather gloves, and am unable to find another pair like them; I really loved that pair of gloves. Below is a picture of me trying on a similar pair of gloves, offered to me by a friend, but, as you can see, they simply don’t fit. I know what you’re thinking: Why the hell do you need a warm pair of gloves like that in southern California? Well, I spent a lot of years in Buffalo, which as you know, gets really cold in the wintertime; I came to rely on those gloves to get me through some long winters. Those gloves are also really comfortable driving gloves, enabling a nice tight grip on the steering wheel. I used to drive more, but now, I’m more inclined to let my buddy, A.C. drive, when we go out for burgers or something. The pair of gloves I lost was brown, but color really doesn’t matter that much to me. Do you have any suggestions as to where I might be able to find a nice set of gloves to replace the pair that I mislaid?
Your Friend,
Orenthal
Dear Orenthal:
Having spent a lot of years pacing the sidelines at Lambeau Field, in chilly Green Bay, Wisconsin, I can certainly empathize with your plight - the phrase, “frozen tundra” was coined to describe that setting. And, I always made sure to have a pair of tight-fitting (but, to your point, not too tight), warm gloves handy.
Losing something dear to you can be quite traumatic - I know your pain. A few years ago, one of our blocking-sleds disappeared, and was missing in action for several weeks. Then, one day this blocking-sled re-appeared - in my office! What a fright that was. After I regained my composure, I was able to determine that our two resident jokesters, Paul Hornung, and Max McGee, had crafted a plan to steal the blocking-sled, and later re-assemble it in my office. Boy, those two were always up to something; they certainly kept us on our toes with their hijinks - perhaps you have been involved in a scrape or two yourself?
I’m sure you would agree that an important attribute of a well-designed pair of gloves is ensuring manual dexterity, such that one is able to effectively grip a steering wheel, or something else, as necessary, without experiencing slippage. Perhaps A.C. could use a new pair as well.
Gloves that I am endorsing these days include:
Gucci lambskin leather gloves - $630.00
Brunello Cucinelli combined panelled gloves - $498.00
Portolano Napa cashmere-lined gloves - $260.00
Now, you may think that I’m only suggesting Italian-made gloves because of my heritage, but, I assure you, Orenthal, that you will be quite happy slipping your hands into any one of these gloves. They may seem a bit pricey, but I sense that you are fully equipped to assemble a “dream team” of gloves to support you, and that you will absolutely “love the glove,” in whichever direction your life leads you.
As an alternative, I heard recently from a gentleman named Bernie, of Burlington, Vermont, who suggested to me that he had discovered a pair of gloves which not only kept his hands warm for long periods of time, but also warded off the boredom which is attendant at many official gatherings. I don’t know about that, but my advice on the glove front has always included this stern warning: Unobtrusive is good - you don’t want to become a meme.
You seem like a man who appreciates the maxim that appearance is everything - i.e. looking good is the most important thing. So, I’m convinced that you will appreciate the advice I offer to my players who find themselves in the end zone, having scored a touchdown: “The next time you make it to the end zone, act like you’ve been there before.” Although, in your case, I suspect that there are times for which you would like to prove that you haven’t actually been there.
Yours Sincerely,
Vince
Well, that’s all for this week - keep the cards and letters coming. I need to scurry back to the office - Forrest Gregg, Jerry Kramer, and Fuzzy Thurston want to get in some reps on the blocking-sled.