Bill and the Giant Rum Ball
Not as macabre and frightening as James' 'Giant Peach,' but impressive nonetheless.
When you think of “giant” food items, you’re likely to summon an image in your mind of a super-sized peach, owing to its star turn in Roald Dahl’s 1961 children’s book, "James and the Giant Peach.” The political lobbying arm of Rule of Three intends to seek federal legislation which would require drug-testing of children’s book authors, prior to publication, to ensure that the narratives contained in each of these books have not been elicited by the use of illegal hallucinogens, such as LSD, or psilocybin (extracted from certain mushrooms) - Congressional bills frequently feature catchy names, such as the “Don’t say ‘gay’” bill - this one would be termed the, “James and the Giant Peach” bill.
Alright, Roald Dahl’s classic was a very bizarre and terrifying story, including parents being eaten by a rhinoceros, evil aunts being crushed by the giant peach, and the peach being speared by the Empire State Building’s spire (this story clearly driven by excessive use of hallucinogenic drugs - its publication would have been derailed by the proposed “James and the Giant Peach” legislation). My tale of a giant rum ball pales in comparison. But, I’m going to share it with you anyway, because. . .Rule No. Three.
Having just entered the working world in the early 1980’s, I was a young (23 years-old), single accountant (I know, ladies - quite a catch!). As there was no official Christmas party hosted by my employer, one of my young, single colleagues took it upon himself to throw a party at his place.
You know the drill: everyone was expected to bring a dish, and alcohol would be free-flowing. As a young, single guy, no one would have looked askance at me if I had chosen to bring a large bag of potato chips and a carton of French onion dip, as my dish to share.
But, I had loftier culinary aspirations. I determined to make a batch of rum balls, one of the many seasonal Christmas cookies my mom regularly reflected in her roster. The appeal of the rum ball is that, yes, it contains alcohol, but, also, there is zero cooking or baking involved - there is rolling, but that’s about it.
As I set about crafting a batch of rum balls, I wanted to put my own, personal spin on the finished product. “Why go to all the trouble of rolling individual rum balls,” I reasoned, “when I could simply roll the entire hunk of dough into one giant rum ball?”
Thus was created “Bill’s Giant Rum Ball.”
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I headed off to the party, and proudly placed my giant rum ball on the buffet table, amidst the sea of bags of potato chips, and their attendant cartons of French onion dips.
As the evening wore on, it became clear that my rum ball was not the “noshing” hit I had expected it to be. Oh, sure, it was a conversation piece, but at the end of the evening, it had barely been touched. Perhaps the partygoers were terrified of the rum ball, believing that, if roused, it would crush them, as James’ peach had done.
Even given the lukewarm reception to my giant rum ball, I harbor no regrets about the role I played in its creation; I remain a bit dismayed by the lack of book and movie offers attached to this project - James clearly had a more effective publicist working the levers of power behind the scenes - believe you me, I intend to have a pointed discussion with Rule of Three’s Creative Project Development Team about this missed opportunity.
Before we step away from the “land of the giants,” I want to take a moment to sample other “giant” things of import. To my mind, these include:
“Giant” - this 1956 film was the last of James Dean’s three movies (Dean was killed in a car crash before the film was released), and, according to Wikipedia, the “. . .epic Western drama. . .” has been recognized as being, “. . .culturally, historically, or aesthetically significant.” Who are we to argue with that characterization?
“Giant Steps” - a jazz classic from John Coltrane - it has occurred to me that I have been severely negligent when it comes to sharing iconic jazz performances with you - sample this one if you dare. . .
“Giants” - the New York Giants, an NFL football team (who actually plays their games in New Jersey); and the San Francisco Giants (formerly the “New York Giants,” and who actually played their games in New York then) Major League baseball team, are two recognized sports teams named, “Giants.”
“The Giant in ‘Jack and the Beanstalk’” - yes, I know the word, “giant” doesn’t appear in the title of this children’s book, but who doesn’t love a heartwarming story of a youngster who was seemingly hoodwinked out of a cow by a mysterious stranger on his way to the market, and who subsequently caused the death of a giant by chopping down a magical beanstalk? Hmm. . .I wonder if publication of this book could have been prevented by the proposed “James and the Giant Peach” legislation?
Well, I gotta’ go - I promised I’d bring doughnuts to the office for the staff meeting - I wonder if Dunkin’ sells one giant doughnut, rather than a dozen normal-sized ones - that would appeal to my inner Rule No. 3. Also, I’ve been asked to submit to perform a drug test in conjunction with publication of certain award-winning columns.
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