Cheat Codes for Real Life

Everybody could use a little help.

As those of you who are inveterate online gamers know (the Rule of Three Audience Development Department informs me that our market penetration of this valuable readership segment amounts to 1.3%, so, we got that going for us. . .which is nice), “cheat codes” are a useful tool in advancing through various levels constructed in these games.

Apparently, these cheat codes are sometimes known as “Easter eggs,” which implies an oversized bunny hiding eggs under couch cushions, behind the clock on the fireplace mantle, and on top of the Encyclopedia Britannica on the bookshelf. Let me just say, if these videogame design firms actually employ someone who regularly dresses in an oversized bunny costume, that would be awesome! Of course, being a veteran of many Easter egg hunts, I’m skeptical of the logistics involved in placing actual Easter eggs within videogames, without making a huge mess.

The list of cheat codes pictured atop this column applies to a version of “Grand Theft Auto” (known in shorthand, apparently, as “GTA5”), which has been a hugely popular game for a long time, and which, according to a Wikipedia listing, “. . .allows the player to take on the role of a criminal in the big city, typically an individual who plans to rise through the ranks of organised crime through the course of the game. . .” First of all, thanks, British citizen, for crafting this Wikipedia listing (identifiable by your placement of the Easter egg, “organised” in the description. And, further, this sounds like a great game - I must admit that I’ve never played it, however. I have played many games over the years with my kids, including MarioKart, PacMan, and Sonic the Hedgehog; my strategy always involved frantically pushing all the buttons simultaneously - the end-result was typically losing.

Also, I applaud the developers of “Grand Theft Auto” for fostering the recruitment and development of the next generation of crime syndicate leaders - the Pipefitters union, Major League Baseball, and the Young Republicans each appear to have robust apprenticeship programs designed to ensure a steady pipeline of new leaders, trained to step into leadership positions when needed, but where are the future leaders of America’s vaunted criminal enterprises, particularly at this crucial juncture, when so many of its leaders are aging, and barely able to lift a .357 magnum to threaten a shopkeeper?

As I examine the list of cheat codes pictured above, I am struck by the ease with which one can acquire “invincibility” - a scant ten keystrokes secures that attribute - that seems like a pretty good feature to have in your arsenal. In order to achieve “slow motion,” seven keystrokes are required; those same seven keystrokes will earn you “fast run” skills, although an additional two keystrokes are needed to gain “fast swim” capability - I suppose because the arms are also involved. With eight keystrokes at your disposal, you are able to choose either “drunk mode,” or “change weather” - I’m not going to lead the witness by revealing which of these two options I would select, but let me just say that everyone talks about the weather, but very few spend all day stumbling around town, in a drunken stupor, like Dudley Moore’s character, Arthur, in the eponymous 1981 film.

Finally, the most taxing cheat code listed above is “skyfall” - I’m not really sure what you earn by tapping-into that cheat, but I suspect it doesn’t provide you with a copy of the 2012 James Bond film of that same name - although a fine film, it doesn’t seem to me to effectively prepare one to accept the mantle of leadership of a complicated criminal enterprise.

What if cheat codes were also available to each of us, as we navigate our daily lives? I’m not talking about actual cheating, in the vein of Rosie Ruiz’ (false claim of) winning the 1980 Boston Marathon; or Barry Bonds’ steroids-powered homerun exploits; or Bernie Madoff’s massive investment fraud scheme. No, I’m wondering about the opportunity to “shortcut” actions necessary to achieve desired outcomes, such as: receiving that big promotion; or developing a deeply-satisfying relationship with that special someone; or becoming famous worldwide.

What “cheats” would you like to have available, in order to satisfy your innermost desires? As for me, I think I would find these cheats to be the most useful:

• Universal acceptance of anything I say - if GTA can deliver “invincibility” in only ten keystrokes, this one shouldn’t take much more than that to secure. I consider myself a reasonably well-spoken, well-informed person, but I find that I must devote an inordinate amount of time and energy convincing others (both at home, and in the workplace) of my point of view on a wide range of topics, and, as I examine my overall results, my batting average is probably less than .500 - a wildly-successful average for a Major League Baseball player, but falling short of acceptance more than half the time is a bit dispiriting, particularly when I believe that my position is the correct one at least 90% of the time.

• Perfect health at all times - when I was younger, I would suffer minor health maladies from time to time, but it seemed as if I would rebound pretty quickly. As I get a bit older, both the severity of the illness, and the time required to recover have increased. And, don’t get me started on the handful of major health challenges I have managed over the years. A “cheat” which ensures perfect health seems like a pretty handy thing to have on board - local healthcare providers might feel shortchanged, however, if this cheat were widely available.

• Drunken mobster in an oversized bunny costume mode - before I conducted the exhaustive research necessary to produce this (likely) award-winning column, I probably wouldn’t have opted for this particular cheat. But, let’s be honest, dressing oneself in an oversized bunny costume, and conducting the business of a vast criminal enterprise, while pleasantly drunk, sure sounds like a hoot, no?

Finally, how can we complete a column tied to videogames, without paying homage to the classic 1983 film, starring Matthew Broderick: WarGames? A bit gratuitous, yes, but still. . .

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