According to goodhousekeeping.com, Hallmark Channel (and, a sister channel) are delivering to us a veritable bounty of forty-one new holiday-themed movies during this holiday season; Wikipedia reports that, as of 2017, Hallmark had produced 136 such movies. Assuming that the last three years added about forty new movies each year, that now amounts to a whopping 297 movies.
Thanks to the exhaustive efforts of the Rule of Three research staff (alright, you got me, no member of the research team has viewed more than three minutes of any of these movies, but, you know, we freely Google things), I am able to report on the following hallmarks of Hallmark’s offerings (did you see what I did there?):
The word “Christmas” is included in twenty-seven of the 41 movies premiering this year; only one features the word “Hanukkah (What’s up with that, Hallmark Channel? You didn’t get the “Diversity, Equity & Inclusion” memo?); “Santa” is featured minimally as well.
Love and romance appears to be a common theme in these movies, typically involving some sort of “meet cute” plot device; also, I believe that one of the two, impossibly attractive couples, equipped with perfect teeth, pictured atop this column (who, upon reflection, might very well be the same couple), have appeared in every single one of these movies.
There is always a life-altering, cosmic event which intrudes upon the bucolic, romance-infused lives of the main characters, such as: the imminent closing of the local woolen mill; or a local youngster in need of a kidney; or a young man facing expensive dental surgery, because his teeth are not perfect, and he lacks healthcare coverage, because he lost his job when the woolen mill closed.
Armed with this insider knowledge, I am well-equipped to tap-in to this valuable franchise opportunity, by developing screenplays, and selling them to Hallmark Channel. I’m workshopping a number of script ideas, and I welcome your feedback, before I bundle them up, and secure a pitch meeting with Hallmark Channel executives. These ideas include:
A Multi-Billionaire’s Christmas in Space - Synopsis: A multi-billionaire is preparing for another eleven-minute jaunt into deep space, in his rocket-ship, and invites his executive assistant to join him on this trip, due to launch on Christmas Day. His evil plan is to make his assistant fall in love with him during this trip, but that only gives him eleven minutes to work his magic. And, his plot is complicated by the assistant’s jealous boyfriend, who conspires to foil the launch by substituting eggnog for the rocket fuel necessary for the launch.
Christmas Behind Bars - Synopsis: A guard in a women’s prison has fallen for one of the inmates - What? You think you’ve already seen that scenario play out in Orange is the New Black? Yes, but did that storyline include a plan to break the prisoner out on Christmas Eve, in order that the happy couple could make their way to Ft. Lauderdale to spend Christmas on the beach? Why didn’t I title this movie “Christmas on the Beach?” Which movie title is more of a “grabber,” huh?
An Avengers Family Christmas - Synopsis: I’m sure you’ve noticed, as I have, that anything involving the Avengers is white-hot these days. And, I’d like to tap-in to that trend. My vision here is that Nick Fury (you know, Samuel L. Jackson) invites the entire Avengers team to spend Christmas at his vacation home in Palm Springs, but as so often happens when the Avengers are around, one of the bad guys threatens world domination, and the Christmas Eve gift exchange is interrupted. And, there’s also stirrings of feelings between Iron Man and Thor, as Iron Man catches a glimpse of Thor’s flowing blonde locks, as they are lounging by the pool (that’s the meet-cute in this story, so, check, check, and check for the the three required elements).
The Mildly-Offensive Snowman - Synopsis: An attractive widower, who either misunderstood the lyrics to Frosty the Snowman, or is simply goofing on his neighbors, builds a snowman with an anatomically correct backside. Attempting to set him straight, the young woman who lives next door confronts him regarding this offensive snowman, and, after they both enjoy a good laugh, decide that they are made for each other. But, alas, the woman loses her job just before Christmas, due to downsizing inflicted by the venture capital fund which just purchased a majority stake in her employer’s business, and she must move in with her parents in a faraway state (you know, the life-altering, cosmic event). Now, I recognize that this movie doesn’t feature “Christmas” in the title, thereby violating one of the Hallmark hallmarks, but, a snowman is a time-tested prop in many holiday-themed movies, and I believe should receive his due.
The Six-Month Christmas Dental Checkup - Synopsis: Given how important perfect teeth are in “Hallmark Holiday-Themed Movie World” (which, be honest, that would be a great theme park), this script is perfect for Hallmark Channel: A young woman receives her six-month dental checkup reminder card, and makes an appointment for Christmas Eve with her dentist, an unattached young man. During the course of the dental checkup, he becomes smitten with the young woman. But, as luck would have it, he detects severe dental problems, requiring root canal work, which he finds disqualifying in a potential mate.
Christmas at the Woolen Mill - Synopsis: Another script with an ironic twist: The owner of the local woolen mill has failed to acknowledge the growth trend in “Ugly Christmas Sweaters” and, his more-traditional product-line (featured in virtually every Hallmark Channel Christmas movie, and sported by the two, impossibly attractive couples, equipped with perfect teeth, pictured above, who upon reflection might very well be the same couple) no longer appeals to consumers, resulting in flagging sales, and a failing business. One of his seamstresses steps in to save the day, by convincing him that manufacturing ugly Christmas sweaters is the solution to the economic doom the company faces. Obviously, the mill owner falls in love with the seamstress (check).
COVID Christmas - Synopsis: In the wake of a “super-spreader Thanksgiving event,” in which twelve of the fourteen family members in attendance at Thanksgiving dinner were infected with coronavirus, a local family decides to dramatically scale-back their Christmas celebration plans, which means that their son will not be allowed to bring his new girlfriend to Christmas dinner at his parents’ house - perhaps this one is a bit too realistic for Hallmark Channel, rendering it unmarketable.
Fruitcake and Eggnog - Synopsis: Hah! You thought this script was going to involve these two beloved (by roughly twelve people in the U.S.) holiday edibles. Well, the joke’s on you. A local bookstore owner brings her dog and cat to the store with her every day - the dog’s name is “Fruitcake,” and the cat’s name is “Eggnog.” The animals wander around the shop, and delight shoppers, including a slightly older man, who sneaks them treats on his frequent visits to the shop. He eventually turns his attention to the bookstore owner, and endears himself to her when he recaptures the lost pets, who escaped out the back door, and were lost for several hours.
Now, I’m not naive enough to believe that all eight of these movie ideas are destined to become Hallmark Channel classics. But, I’m sure you would agree with me that, at the least, I don’t know, maybe, three of them are definite keepers. So, wish me luck on my eventual pitch meeting with Hallmark Channel executives. And, keep a look out for these movies in your TV listings.