"Cone-Gate" Probe Gains Traction

Stolen orange traffic cones spur immediate action.

I was recently the victim of a burglary, at my home. You may logically wonder what valuables the thieves were able to abscond with. Typical targets of such thievery attempts include:

• Automobiles - not targeted in this instance - the thieves would have had to enter our house, locate the key fob, and steal away with the car - that’s an awful lot of work, unless they were able to hot-wire the car, eliminating the need for the key fob - given technological advances made by auto manufacturers, I’m not even sure one is able to hot-wire a car anymore, and furthermore, I’m pretty sure I don’t really know what hot-wiring a car even means.

• Furniture - also not targeted in this instance - having recently participated in a household move (i.e. I wrote the check to the moving company), I know the effort and energy that goes into moving furniture. We’re pretty sound sleepers, but I’m reasonably sure that I would be able to hear the sounds of someone moving my furniture into a moving van in the middle of the night, particularly if one of those pieces of furniture was the bed in which I was sleeping.

• Expensive jewelry and artwork - Hah! This is the one situation in which my inability to own expensive jewelry and artwork has paid off.

• Televisions - These things are securely mounted to the wall these days - it’s not like the old days, when an enterprising young thief could simply scoop-up a television from a TV stand, and run off - no, you need tools, and, even if you’re able to remove the TV from the wall, it’s no good without the bracket - you can’t leave that behind.

• Electronics - remember that stereo component system for which you spent thousands of dollars back in the day? Now, that system resides in your iPhone, so there’s nothing left to grab. Except, perhaps the iPhone.

So, now we know what the thieves didn’t steal; what did they actually steal? That’s right, a couple of orange traffic cones, which we were using to prevent access to our driveway, which many people mistakenly believe is an alleyway, available for public use. Is there a significant “black market” for orange traffic cones, of which I am unaware? I see thousands of them lined-up along the highways and byways of the U.S. every summer; there doesn’t appear to be overwhelming demand for them by consumers.

Once I discovered the theft, I immediately sprang into action: I appended the word “gate” onto the name of the missing item, as we have been trained to do since Watergate, when confronted with a conspiracy crisis, birthing “Cone-gate”; and launched my own investigation, complete with prime suspects, evidence to be examined, and clues to be followed-up on.

What I didn’t do was to call the police, and ask that they help me solve the case. The reason I didn’t call the police was that I imagined the conversation that might ensue, once a police officer arrived at the crime scene, and I believed that their involvement was not likely to aid in solving the case. The transcript of that (imagined) conversation is as follows:

Me: “Thank you so much for coming to help me.”

Police Officer: “Well, you called us twenty-nine times in the space of an hour-and-a-half, so we placed your name on a special-handling list.”

Me: “A special-handling list? That’s awesome. Let’s get started right away, and see if we can collar the perps, and put them where they belong - behind bars.”

Police Officer: “Not so fast, sir. I think you misunderstand the reason for the special-handling list. I’m here to determine whether or not you are a danger to yourself, or to others.”

Me: “Me? No, I’m the victim here. You see those two empty spots on either side of the driveway? That’s where the two orange traffic cones were stationed, performing their critical duty, until someone snatched them away.”

Police Officer: “Uh-huh, right. You called us twenty-nine times in the space of an hour-and-a-half because you’re missing a couple of orange traffic cones?”

Me: “It might not seem like much to you, but these cones were stolen, and that’s a crime.”

Police Officer: “Sir, are you currently taking medication? Perhaps you forgot to take that medication this morning?”

Me: “I am perfectly lucid. I just happen to believe in justice when I have been wronged.”

Police Officer: “You know who else believes in justice? The guy who manages a store three blocks away from here, who was robbed last night at gunpoint; and the woman who was assaulted in the park on Thursday, just down the street; and your neighbor, who reported to us that you wouldn’t stop asking him if he stole your orange traffic cones. Those are all legitimate police issues; you and your friggin’ traffic cones - not so much.”

Me: “So, you’re not going to help me?”

Police Officer: “Leave your neighbor alone, sir. Don’t make me come back here.”

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As I said, not likely to help.

So, where did that leave me? Clearly, I was going to have to mount an investigation myself, in order to solve the case. First order of business: developing a list of prime suspects. Alright, there was my neighbor, who apparently didn’t appreciate my asking if he had stolen my traffic cones. He topped my list of suspects because, although I didn’t know him well, he and his family were acknowledged by other neighbors to be serial Rule No. 2 violators (you know, the one about not being a douchebag), and they were in the process of moving, including parking moving vans within five feet of the traffic cones on the day of the disappearance. Circumstantial evidence, yes, but you can see why he zoomed to the top of the list.

Other potential suspects include the neighbor two doors down, who is an unmitigated “tinkerer,” always in his garage, or in his yard, or in the alley fiddling with something. He would certainly have had access to the traffic cones, but, as a seemingly nice guy, appears to lack the motive or the interest in committing the crime.

Finally, another neighbor, a young couple with a ten-month-old child - one or the other of them can be seen frequently outside in the yard, in close proximity to the crime scene. Perhaps the child admired the traffic cones and the parents allowed him to play with them, and simply forgot that they had been borrowed.

It’s interesting to note that each of the prime suspects regularly appear in the rear of my house, much like Jimmy Stewart’s neighbors viewed through his telescope, in the classic film, Rear Window. Although, I vehemently deny spying upon any of my neighbors (I don’t even own a telescope), and, they’re not nearly as colorful as the Rear Window inhabitants.

One theory which has been advanced is that the traffic cones were stolen by knuckleheaded teenagers, in the course of their wandering through the neighborhood, seeking to disrupt order. I acknowledge the possibility, but note that Rear Window didn’t feature a band of roving hooligans.

As with any of the many -gate dramas which have played-out over the years, the Cone-gate crime itself is likely to be eclipsed by attempts to cover-up the crime. The investigation continues. There is currently no reward being offered for the safe return of these orange traffic cones, because, you know, they’re traffic cones. Tips should be directed to: ruleofthreebs@gmail.com, and will be aggressively pursued. With your help, we’ll get to the bottom of this thing.

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