Cool nicknames once upon a time were the province of professional wrestlers and rappers; athletes (of the non-professional wrestler variety) have also sported colorful, and descriptive nicknames.
But, “Notorious R.B.G.” (a/k/a “Ruth Bader Ginsburg), a play on the nickname of a well-known rapper, “Notorious B.I.G.” (real name: Christopher George Letore Wallace) reset the standards for nicknames for Supreme Court Justices and for regular people all over the world. By the way, Notorious B.I.G.’s statistics reveal at least six other nicknames, including the best-known, “Biggie Smalls”; I believe that is a North American record, but one never knows in the arms race that “nicknaming” has become.
Obviously, I’m lobbying for the low-hanging-fruit nickname of “Coney Dog,” for our newest Supreme Court Justice, Amy Coney Barrett. If you’re reading this column before lunch, my apologies - you’re probably also developing a taste for a delightful, Coney Dog. A pretty good rule of thumb regarding “Rule of Three”: do not attempt to consume this column on an empty stomach - you may regret it later.
Now I’m not suggesting that each and every Supreme Court Justice deserves a nickname. In fact, as I scan the landscape of the Court, nothing immediately leaps to mind, and the ones that do eventually nudge their way to the surface are quite offensive, and I intend to stay well away from them - I’m looking at you Justices Kavanaugh and Thomas.
For those of you keeping score at home, “R.B.G.” does not represent the first Supreme Court Justice who owned a colorful nickname. Byron (Whizzer”) White was appointed to the Court by President Kennedy in 1962, and occupied that seat until 1993, when “R.B.G.” replaced him. Perhaps Kevin Bacon will ultimately replace “Coney Dog” on the Court, providing the connectivity desired by fans of the “six degrees of separation (Kevin Bacon edition)” parlor game. Please, God, I pray that “Whizzer’s” nickname stemmed from his exploits on the football field at the University of Colorado, and not as a product of an incident on campus, as a member of the Phi Gamma Delta fraternity.
There should be guidelines established for developing nicknames (and, perhaps a sanctioning body, such as the “Nickname Development Association,” (the “NDA”), which would govern the creation and use of nicknames throughout the world. I believe the NDA (and, no, you shouldn’t need to execute an “NDA” to earn the right to assign a nickname to someone - that’s a whole different NDA) should mandate that nicknames are to be developed:
with the intent to promote a positive personal attribute, and to further a personal brand.
with the consent of the person being named.
without making fun of a person’s physical or mental shortcomings, and not intended to inspire scorn or bullying (there are possible exceptions to this rule, as in the case of NFL star, Ed “Too Tall” Jones, who was literally much taller than the average NFL defensive lineman, and appeared to embrace the nickname, and even if he didn’t, he could beat the crap out of anyone making fun of it).
Most nicknames seem to spring from either wordplay with a person’s name (e.g. “Coney Dog”), or from a physical or personal characteristic (e.g. William “The Refrigerator” Perry of the “Super Bowl Shuffle” Chicago Bears, who was built much like your common everyday refrigerator). Some of the more entertaining nicknames which I have surfaced, include:
Kenny “The Snake” Stabler - Kenny was a quarterback in the NFL, and his ability to “slither” through defenses on the field earned him his cool nickname; also, Kenny is left-handed, which somehow enhanced his cool factor.
Joe “Smokin’ Joe” Frazier - an iconic boxer, who became inextricably linked with Muhammad Ali - I suspect his nickname stemmed from his ability to punch people in the face, but he did practice his craft in the 1960’s and 1970’s, so. . .
Florence “Flo-Jo” Griffith-Joyner - this one, attached to a successful U.S. Olympic sprinter, is simply designed, and quite lyrical; unlike nickname contractions which came later, including: “Brangelina,” “Bennifer,” “Kimye,” and “Brady-Bundch” (think about it - an NFL quarterback, and his supermodel wife), this one doesn’t include two people - just the one. Honorable mention in this same genre: Jennifer “J-Lo” Lopez.
Craig “Ironhead” Heyward - a popular Pittsburgh Steeler, who apparently had a large head, which he used (with a helmet on, of course) to his advantage in gaining yards as a running-back. Heyward’s son, Cameron, now plays for the Steelers, and to my knowledge, is nickname-less; that’s probably a good thing, because sons sometimes inherit a weird, diminutive form of their father’s nicknames - Cam is fortunate that he hasn’t ended up with, “Baby Head,” or “Iron Shavings Head,” or “Head Jr.”
David “Deacon” Jones - generally, nicknames should not be self-administered, but the NDA is willing to make an exception for “Deacon,” who was seeking to distinguish himself from the numerous other David Joneses in the telephone book; if “Deacon” had adopted the age-old practice of gaming the telephone book system, he would have adopted the nickname, “AAA Deacon,” but, let’s face it, he would have forgone some cool points with that move.
Harold “Pee Wee” Reese - the nickname for this old Brooklyn Dodgers baseball player stemmed from his prowess as a marbles champion as a youth in Louisville, rather than his small stature - I suspect he was simply grasping at anything that got him away from, “Harold.”
Stan “The Man” Musial - rhyming is a time-honored tradition with nicknames, as ably represented by this baseball superstar (see also: Hakeem “The Dream” Olajuwon and Earl “The Pearl” Monroe and Wilt “The Stilt” Chamberlain).
Randy “The Big Unit” Johnson - an intimidating big-league pitcher - I’m not touching that one (that’s what she said!).
Walter “Sweetness” Payton - this Chicago Bears great was the only reason to watch the Bears in the late 1970’s and the early 1980’s - the team was pretty weak, but Payton had moves which were pretty entertaining. His nickname, acquired in college, perhaps was a testament to his personality, or perhaps to his fluid moves on the football field, or maybe he craved candy and other sweets - who knows. . .and who cares?
Joe “Mean Joe” Greene - also a Hall of Fame Pittsburgh Steeler - he was probably pretty mean on the football field, which allowed him to play against type in an iconic Coca-Cola commercial - it’s very sweet (not Walter Payton sweet, but then, what is?).
Lawrence “Yogi” Berra - admit it, you had no idea that his real name was, “Lawrence,” right? Or, that the nickname came not from the cartoon bear, but from an Indian snake charmer?
James Thomas “Cool Papa” Bell - an old-time center-fielder in Negro league baseball - this one is easily accepted by the NDA because it’s got the word, “cool” right in the title.
Pete “Pistol Pete” Maravich - the orginal “showtime” performer on the basketball court, I have a framed picture of Pete, in his No. 23 LSU uniform, mid-jump-shot, hanging in my office; the word that springs to mind when I see that picture is, “insouciance,” and is defined by his sporting droopy heavy-wool socks - a colleague of mine wondered why I had a picture of a guy in his underwear hanging in my office - basketball shorts were shorter in Pete’s day. Appropriate (and, cool!) nickname.
Joe “Broadway Joe” Namath - the nickname for this cocky NFL quarterback seems somewhat ironic to me, given his roots in Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania, and college career at Alabama, but, yes, he did indeed embrace New York City upon his arrival there with the Jets. Namath earned cool points with his Noxzema shaving cream commercials back in the 1970’s, but I believe he must surrender some of those points now that he appears in Medicare commercials.
George Herman “Babe” Ruth - the “Babe” was quite lovable, and truly iconic. I suppose his nickname stemmed from his baby-face visage, even in his later years, which, let’s be honest, is pretty creepy; I cannot imagine a more disturbing horror movie premise than a villain who looks like Babe Ruth unleashing his anger (and, chainsaw) on raging-hormone, teenagers - I’ll await your call, Mr. Spielberg.
Arthur “Fonzie” Fonzarelli - yes, I know “Fonzie” is a fictional character from the Happy Days 1970’s sitcom, but I felt that I owed you a palate-cleanser, after barraging you with all these athlete’s nicknames - you’re welcome. Fonzie’s catchphrases included, “Sit on it,” “Exactamundo,” and “aaaaay”; Fonzie was considered cool in the 1950’s, in which the sitcom was set - it was a simpler time.
Since I teased professional wrestler nicknames in the subhead atop this column, I feel as if I need to provide you with a little something on that front. Herewith, are my top three professional wrestling nicknames (your list might vary somewhat, or you may not even have a list, in which case, I wonder why you’re even reading this column - did you think it was going to be about Coney Dogs?:
“Stone Cold” Steve Austin (real name: Steven James Anderson) - for a wrestler, this sounds forbidding and impenetrable.
“The Rock” (real name: Dwayne Douglas Johnson) - “The Rock” has morphed into a bankable movie star, but his cool nickname came with a somewhat nebulous catchphrase: “Can you smell. . .what The Rock is cooking?” Wait, what?
“Hulk” Hogan (real name: Terry Gene Bollea) - my only question about this nickname is: Shouldn’t the character be green? You know, like the superhero.
I also loosely promised to share my thoughts regarding cool rapper nicknames - my top three are:
“Jay Z” (real name: Shawn Carter) - I like the origin story of this nickname - apparently, older Brooklyn guys in his social circle said he was, ‘A jazzy little dude,’ and he truncated “jazzy” to “Jay Z".”
“Snoop Dogg" (real name: Calvin Cordozar Broadus, Jr.) - predictably named after the beagle character from the Peanuts cartoon empire (and, who early on featured an extra, “Doggy” in the middle), I am amused by his longtime friendship with Martha Stewart (real name: Martha Ruszkowski Kostyra); the team at the NDA are feverishly working on developing a cool nickname for Martha - the leading candidates at the moment are: Martha “Polish Stew” Stewart; Martha “Living Legend” Stewart; and Martha “Lucy Van Pelt” Stewart (you know, it would pair nicely with Snoop Dogg) - needless to say, their work continues.
“Tupac Amaru Shakur” (real name: Lesane Parish Brooks) - his mother was a Black Panther, and renamed him “Tupac” after an 18th-century Incan revolutionary, before his first birthday; I think my mom got me a stuffed monkey for my first birthday.
Now, I’m not suggesting that a cool nickname is an absolute requirement for an individual to succeed in his chosen field, but I believe the following quote from Al Capone is quite pertinent in understanding the importance of a cool nickname: “You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.” The gun, in that analogy is the cool nickname - you know that, right?
I welcome your suggestions as to what my cool nickname should be, given that I don’t intend to acquire a gun.