Cornhole the New National Pastime?
Fast-growing spectator sport seeks to outpace baseball and to replace it in the hearts and minds of Americans.
Cornhole as a spectator sport? If spending a hot summer afternoon in a friend’s backyard, drinking beer, lying about women, and watching your buddies play a game of cornhole, while you await a match with the winner qualifies as “spectating,” then, yes, cornhole certainly has earned its stripes as a fast-growing spectator sport.
Firstly, let’s all agree that cornhole is the most unfortunate name of any sport ever, given its alternate definition as a non-traditional sex act. When I play the game (no, not the non-traditional sex act game - the first one - geez!) with my friends, we call the game, simply, “bags.” You could probably surface a thousand more palatable names for this sport - maybe: “Flying monkeys” (a nod to Wizard of Oz), or “The game where one guy wears his cap backwards” (as in the above picture), or “Hold my beer” (because, let’s face it, cornhole without beer is just sad). As an aside, I count three spectators (33% of the total spectators pictured), in the above picture, facing directly away from the action on the playing-surface - what’s that about? Did a squirrel get loose in the building? Or, are they simply not that interested in the human drama unfolding on the field of play?
Now, I’m a devotee of the sport of cornhole (as long as it’s not raining), and am currently undergoing a rigorous training regimen as I prepare to defend my title as reigning champion of “The Devils Lake Cornhole Championship - Senior Division.” I face serious competition this year, and am eager take on any and all comers. Just, you know, make sure there’s beer available. But, I cannot envision tuning-in to watch cornhole competitions on TV.
Which is what ESPN is doing - they air coverage of cornhole tournaments, which, no doubt attracts dozens of viewers. Why would they cover these tournaments? In a word: money. Johnsonville, LLC, which produces various types of sausages, appears to be the largest sponsor of this sport; note the signage apparent in the above picture, including on the shirts of contestants, and on the playing-surface itself.
Johnsonville, of course, is also the team that brings you the “Famous Racing Sausages,” in which three guys (initially) dressed from head to toe in sausage-themed costumes: one a bratwurst, the second an Italian sausage, and the third, a kielbasa (Polish sausage), race each other around the inside of Miller Park, in Milwaukee, the home of the Milwaukee Brewers baseball team, after the end of the sixth inning. Not exactly, “Once upon a time, there were three little girls, who went to the Police Academy. . .” (you know, the intro to Charlie’s Angels in 1976). Those three (the sausages, I mean) were later joined by two additional racing wieners: the hot dog, and chorizo (the entire gang is pictured here).
You may recall an incident at the ballpark in 2003, in which the Pittsburgh Pirates’ first baseman, Randall Simon, clunked the Italian sausage character in the head with a baseball bat, causing the arrest of, fining of, and suspension of Simon by Major League Baseball, and inspiring t-shirts featuring the phrase, “Don’t whack our wiener!”
Now that’s sponsorship money put to good use, generating untold publicity for Johnsonville. I’m sure they sold a lot of bratwurst in the wake of that marketing bonanza. Baseball has long held a place in our hearts as America’s “National Pastime.” But, cornhole is certainly taking a run at the title, and Johnsonville is placing sponsorship bets on both horses; they’re guaranteed a winner in any event. And, let’s be honest, baseball has had its day - it’s time for a new champion to reign supreme - it might as well be cornhole.
In order for cornhole to succeed, and ascend the throne, the sport needs to demonstrate its ability to attract followers, as baseball has for so many years. Forthwith, I offer three suggestions to the “Commissioner of Cornhole” (I assume that there is a commissioner - if there is not, appointing a commissioner is an important first step), lifted from Major League Baseball’s playbook, in order that they can supercharge their popularity growth curve:
Anoint star players with colorful nicknames - some of the more well-known baseball players over the years have sported such popular nicknames as, “Babe” Ruth; “Dizzy” Dean; and “Joltin’ Joe” Dimaggio. Lesser known nicknames have included Wilmer “Vinegar Bend” Mizell; Mordecai “Three-Finger” Brown; and William “Dummy” Hoy - the latter two demonstrate Major League Baseball’s propensity to endorse nicknames derived from physical and developmental disabilities (Brown lost two fingers on his right hand in a farm machinery accident in his youth, and Hoy was deaf - I got nothing on “Vinegar Bend,” although Harry Caray was apparently involved in some way). Some suggestions I have for the commissioner include: Jimmy “Bags” McGuinn; Paul “Sky King” Bauer; and Bobby “Holey Roller” Stephenson.
Shower players with ridiculous compensation packages - there appear to be ten baseball players who are each being paid more than $30 million in 2021 to play 162 games of baseball (and, a few more if their teams advance in the playoffs), led by Trevor Bauer, at $40 million. Well, Mr. Commissioner, if you aim to swipe the National Pastime crown from baseball, you’re going to have to tag some wealthy dudes to open their checkbooks to climb aboard the “Cornhole Express” - feel free to use that tagline in your promotional materials. What do they get for their investment? Why, guaranteed front-row seats to the human drama playing out on the field of play. . .unless a squirrel gets loose in the building. And, all the bratwurst they can eat, courtesy of, well, you know.
Develop an iconic theme song - “Take me out to the Ballgame” has been a staple at major league ballparks since 1934, and is oftentimes deployed during the seventh-inning stretch. I’m no lyricist, but as I consider phrases which rhyme with cornhole, I’m struck by the possibilities; “Torn pole,” “Worn mole,” and “Born whole” are but a few of the options which a capable songwriter could successfully weave into a classic in the making, stoking America’s burning desire for a new National Pastime.
And, I would argue that the time is ripe for a change. But, maybe that’s only because I live in Pittsburgh, whose Pirates currently occupy fifth-place in the five-team, National League Central division. Perhaps not coincidentally, the Pirates also land at No. 29 (out of 30 teams) on the total team payroll list, only marginally exceeding Mr. Bauer’s take. . .except that we’re talking about the entire team. But, the Pirates do have the “Pirates Pierogies” (pictured below), who I have to imagine are described in legal documents filed by the Milwaukee Brewers baseball club as “. . .a blatant rip-off of the wildly-popular ‘Famous Racing Sausages.’” Perhaps the Pirates can deputize their current first-baseman, Will Craig, to respond directly to that complaint - although Craig is currently hitting only .217, I’m confident that he can solidly connect with a guy dressed in a sausage costume.
So, the ball, er, bag is in your court, cornhole. Good luck! And now, back to the action - wait a minute, is that a squirrel?