Couch Potatoes
La-Z-Boy's innovative couch design brings home the bacon. . .and other goodies too!
Ed. note: This column is a satirical piece, and is not intended to be taken literally - La-Z-Boy is not now considering, nor have they ever considered marketing a couch which includes a fully-equipped grill embedded in its frame, nor have they considered offering an optional deep-fryer attachment to be included in this fictional couch offering, to the best of our knowledge. Although, let’s be honest, this concept sounds amazing!
La-Z-Boy, which has pioneered countless leisure-time innovations over the years, has just announced the latest addition to its lineup, intended to fully satisfy the needs of the listless, and unmotivated: the “Short-Order Cook F-3000,” a couch which comes complete with a fully-equipped grill embedded in its frame, and which features an optional deep-fryer attachment. Imagine preparing such time-honored diner favorites as: meatloaf, grilled cheese sandwiches, or greasy cheeseburgers right from your favorite spot on the couch. And, with the optional deep-fryer attachment, you can fry up a batch of tasty french fries too! Couch potatoes, indeed.
La-Z-Boy has noticed, as I’m sure we all have, that Americans (even pre-pandemic) are becoming more housebound, and more content to live, work, and play, all without leaving the warm embrace of their couch. By the way, thanks, La-Z-Boy for adopting an insulting and derogatory epithet as your brand name - as if women didn’t already possess a vast inventory of offensive names they could summon at a moment’s notice - no, you had to stoke the fire, and brand the simple act of relaxing in a chair to watch the Masters on T.V. an unforgivable act of supreme slothery (alright, I made up that word, but, it’s descriptive, no?).
I’m surprised that other brands have not surfaced to fan the flames of this nascent, “Man-Behavior-Shaming” (a/ka “MBS Syndrome”) movement. Several natural branding opportunities leap to mind, including: “Golf Widow Golf Clubs” (“Swing away with Golf Widow clubs, featuring sturdy irons, and the patented oversized-head driver, while your wife and kids are left at home to fend for themselves all day long;”) and “Absentee Father Business Trip Luggage” (“Our overnight garment bag is perfect for that last-minute business trip, which will earn you frosty glares from your wife, both while you’re packing for the trip, and upon your return;”) and “Mean and Nasty Drunk Brewery” (“Spend an evening out with the boys, enjoying several of our newest IPA’s, and then head home to the wife and kids, who simply won’t leave you alone, causing you to lash out for no particular reason.”)
Thanks primarily to Amazon, and also to UberEats, and Doordash, and HelloFresh, and many, many other companies, Americans no longer need to leave the comfort of their own home to eat, buy stuff, or to accomplish pretty much anything these days. You can order clothing, food, books, automobiles, boats, and homes, with a few simple keystrokes on your laptop, and, Eureka! they will appear on your front doorstep the next day. Well, I’m not sure about the home - likely that home has its own doorstep, but, if it’s a mobile home, then it will magically appear in your driveway.
Spurred by the pandemic, many American workers have staked their claim to the kitchen-table, or the living-room couch, or, yes, even the La-Z-Boy recliner, as their home office. Many of them have no intention of ever returning to the office, and many companies endorse that strategy, believing that many tasks formerly performed in a physical office can be conducted just as effectively by employees at home. If the task to be performed is to binge-watch episodes of Leave it to Beaver all day long, then, yes, I agree that such tasks can be accomplished effectively at home.
Remember early in the pandemic last year, when we were asked to to stay home, and not go anywhere, ever? You know, to stop the spread? I’m proud to report that the great majority of Americans answered the call, and continue to answer the call, each and every day. We salute you, noble American heroes (cue the classic Bud Light commercial music, featured in a series of commercials some years ago - the link attached below features, “Mr. Really Loud Cell Phone Talker Guy,” but you might have had your own personal favorite - comedy gold!)
Perhaps a new, as-yet undeveloped commercial spot would be entitled, “Mr. Lounging on the Couch in Sweatpants eating Cheetos and Watching ‘Friends’ Reruns Guy.”
This work from home phenomenon even has its own catchy acronym: “WFH,” not to be confused with “WTF,” a topic I’ll likely cover in a future column. WFH does have its drawbacks, however. Certain critical workplace dynamics are difficult to replicate at home - examples include:
Backstabbing, attention-grabbing co-workers - I’m not saying it’s impossible to experience this trauma via a Zoom video call but it is more difficult - these character-less characters seem to prefer to execute their attacks in person.
Unhealthy workplace romances - given that proximity and frequency of contact typically sparks such toxic relationships in the office you’re more likely to initiate this type of harmful relationship with the Amazon delivery guy, or the UberEats guy, or perhaps your cat.
Unreasonable demands from your boss to work late - best satirized in the classic workplace comedy, Office Space, it would be very difficult for your boss to wander by your cubicle at 4:45 p.m. on a Friday, when you are at home, and say, “What’s happening? I’m gonna’ need you to go ahead and come in on Saturday. . .and, go ahead and come in on Sunday too.”
I feel badly for those workers who are unable to work from home, due simply to the nature of their work; I am thinking specifically of construction workers, truck drivers, and strippers. But, keep the faith: Know that Amazon is likely already working on a WFH solution for you. Sorry - I gotta’ go - the fries are ready, and I need to plate the burger - order up! Eighty-six the tuna-melt.