Dancing Without the Stars

An award-winning ballroom dancer, trained by famed dance instructor, Gus Giordano, contemplates dancing immortality.

Much like the father in A Christmas Story, who won a “major award” (pictured below), I am an award-winner: the medal, (pictured above), was awarded to me for “Meritorious Service to Mankind.” I’m just kidding, I earned the medal for ballroom-dancing in a dance class I took as an eighth-grader, taught by acclaimed jazz dancer, instructor, and choreographer, Gus Giordano. I feel compelled to point out that virtually my entire eighth-grade class took the ballroom dancing class; I didn’t seek out dance training, because I thought I might look good in tights. And, I haven’t totally abandoned the idea of one day earning that “Meritorious Award” thing - I simply don’t have the time or the energy at the moment to care much about the fate of mankind.

My ballroom dancing career began very early in my life. Out to dinner with my parents, and my two brothers, and my younger sister, while on vacation, we were inevitably prodded to hit the dance floor, and demonstrate our mastery of the foxtrot, the waltz, and the cha cha steps (we were also trained in bridge, a card game I detest to this day; I always secretly desired to be the “dummy,” which allowed me to at least step away from the game for a short period of time).

Now, you’ve probably already done the math, right? Three young boys, plus a dad, partnering with a mom, and a younger sister. So, in this game, there were also “dummy” opportunities. There were a lot of, “Oh, look at that, isn’t that cute?” and “How adorable,” and “Waiter, my steak is overdone,” from other diners scattered around the dining room. Don’t ask me why that last guy wasn’t impressed with our ballroom dancing skills; perhaps he was vacationing specifically to get away from his own children.

So, is there an opportunity here for me to parlay my very own “major award” into a lasting gig on the wildly popular television series, Dancing with the Stars, apparently now gearing up for its thirtieth season on ABC (honestly, I have no idea whether this show is now, or has ever been considered to be a popular TV show - in the nearly fifty years since garnering that award, my ballroom dancing excursions have numbered in the single-digits, and the idea of watching others dance on a ballroom floor: meh! Now, maybe if they dressed these couples in mascot-type costumes, like that singing show, well sir, then you just might have something)?

My ballroom dancing experiences have mostly included wedding receptions, which as you know are famous for: the “Chicken Dance,” “Macarena,” and “Gangnam Style” (I’m kidding about that last one - I think “Gangnam Style” is more of a niche dance style, which hasn’t been embraced by Western wedding planners). But, if you’ve been to a wedding within the last twenty or so years, no doubt you’ve seen the first two in action; also, “YMCA.” Perhaps these additions to my ballroom dancing resume aren’t all that impressive. I believe my most recent performance on the dance-floor was a couple of years ago, at my daughter’s wedding. We began dancing to Erroll Garner’s classic, “Misty” (likely sung by Ella Fitzgerald), which was also the first song my wife and I danced to at our own wedding; that song morphed into Steely Dan’s, “Reelin’ in the Years,” which enabled me, and my daughter, to display our dance-floor versatility. That should count for something with ABC’s recruiters, as they look to expand their stable of dancing talent on Dancing with the Stars, which attempts at times to boost its “cool” factor by referring to itself as, “DWTS.”

Dancing with the Stars should be careful with its use of the DWTS moniker, inasmuch as there are a number of potential alternative interpretations, including:

• “Dog Walkers Training School” - the activities of this group could negatively impact Dancing’s brand, given that, although they are involved with the movement of humans, it is a very different type of movement, and the use of a leash could also prove problematic.

• “Dish Washer Touts Sparkles” - I believe this is a promotional tag which Amana should embrace; I don’t think it would be Maytag’s thing - they’ve been wedded to that whole, “Lonely Maytag Repairman” schtick for a long time now.

• “Decorating ‘Welcome Trump’ Signs” - this was an initiative fielded by Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, with the goal of welcoming the former president on his January 20th journey to Florida - probably not much need for this one in the future.

But, back to my dance floor activities: There was that unfortunate musical period of disco, which coincided with my college years. I did spend some time in those discos, on the dance floor, which typically featured flashing colored lights embedded in the floor. And, yes, there was usually a sparkled silver ball rotating from the ceiling. Oh, the humanity! I might not include those clips in my audition tape for DWTS.

My dance connection in recent years has been more professional, and less hands-on (or, rather, feet-on). I spent time on the board of the Toledo Ballet, a ballet company founded by my dear friend, Marie Vogt in 1939, and which is credited with presenting the longest-consecutive-running performance of the iconic holiday ballet, The Nutcracker in the U.S. Marie died last year, at the age of ninety-nine, and her dance legacy will endure for a very long time, as will Gus Giordano’s.

So you see, my street-cred in the dance community is very strong - something DWTS should weigh heavily, as they seriously consider adding me to their team. Although, if I understand the premise of the show, talented professional dancers, such as me, are paired with C-list, or D-list celebrities in some sort of dance competition. My reputation in the dance community just might take a hit from that.

Perhaps the takeaway from this piece for you is this: Don’t waste this story (“DWTS”)!