Dr. Seuss' "Green Eggs and Ham" is a Classic

Yet, Rule of Three inexplicably offers unsolicited editing advice.

If it’s been awhile since you’ve read Green Eggs and Ham, allow me to refresh your memory. The book opens with the creature who is featured on the cover of the book, pictured above, staring at the plate of green eggs and green ham (who knew that the ham was green as well? I suppose that might have been implied, but I smell a misplaced modifier here), but seated in an easy chair reading the newspaper, as a smaller creature, astride a dog-like creature (I know I’ve used the word creature a lot in this column already, but, how else do you describe the. . .creatures who populate Dr. Seuss’ stories?) races past - the smaller creature is smiling smugly, and is doffing his cap and hoists a sign which touts, “I am Sam,” inferring for us that the smaller creature’s name is Sam.

That same smaller creature races back the other way on the next page, being ferried by a larger cat-like creature, flashing the other side of the sign, which indicates, “Sam I am,” reinforcing the earlier premise.

The easy chair-bound curmudgeon is next pictured clenching his fist, the newspaper scattered on the floor around him, declaring, “That Sam-I-am! That Sam-I-am! I do not like that Sam-I-am!”

If you are familiar with Dr. Seuss’ unique stylings, you will of course recognize one of the hallmarks of his literature, sprinkled amongst the creatures (I know, I know): a moral lesson is being delivered to the young reader - in this case, a caution against jumping to conclusions about someone, without knowing anything about him (or, as we will learn later, jumping to conclusions about a culinary offering, without even trying it).

The rest of the book consists of the smaller creature badgering the curmudgeonly creature endlessly regarding whether or not he likes the titular green eggs and ham, begging the question of whether or not the smaller creature earns a healthy commission on the sale of green eggs and green ham, or if he is simply in the pocket of “Big Green Poultry” and “Big Green Pork,” and is tirelessly pushing their green agenda.

A recurring thematic device Seuss deploys in Green Eggs and Ham is the use of rhymes. It is this area in which the Rule of Three iambic pentameter division has spent time exploring alternatives, and for which it offers revisions intended to strengthen the narrative arc of the story. These suggestions include:

Green eggs and ham

Seuss pairs green eggs and ham with Sam-I-am. Now, I do know several Sams, but I don’t think I’ve ever met a Sam-I-am. Also, in terms of rhyming, it’s an imperfect connection at best. Perhaps the good doctor would consider deploying: “Lean legs and glam,” or “Bean pegs and Spam,” or “Spleen kegs and scram.” Nonsensical, you say? No, it’s definitely Seussical.

Here or there

“Anywhere” is the choice in this case to connect with here or there. Now, I have to admit, the response offered by the curmudgeonly creature that he would not like green eggs and ham anywhere is simple and direct. But, did Seuss even consider such options as: “Over there,” or “In my underwear,” or “With a bear?”

In a house. . .with a mouse

The curmudgeonly creature doesn’t offer up any alternatives in his response to the smaller creature’s two-part query here - he simply declines the specific requests. Seuss could have armed the curmudgeonly creature with additional rhyming ammunition, such as: “in a frat house,” or “with my spouse,” or “while wearing a lovely new blouse.”

In a box. . .with a fox

The illustration in the book cleverly places a fox in a box (oh, Seuss, you magnificent bastard!), but one wonders about the roads not taken, which might include: “with a side of lox,” or “with a delightful green beverage on the rocks,” or “in that somewhat seedy place down by the docks.”

In a car. . .here they are

Much like the composer of a classic symphonic piece, Seuss returns us to the theme of “here,” although he modifies the accompaniment slightly to “here they are,” from the original “here and there.” Suggestions from our team include: “while playing a bass guitar,” “close but no cigar,” and “with the door slightly ajar.”

You will see. . .in a tree

The curmudgeonly creature responds brilliantly with a double-barreled retort, covering the last two rounds of fire, with: “I would not, could not, in a tree. Not in a car, you let me be!” As for the tree bit, Seuss could have amped up the response with, “out to sea,” or “they look disgusting, don’t you agree?” or “perhaps, accompanied by an herbal tea.”

On a train

The by now exasperated, curmudgeonly creature turns down the train suggestion, and also reiterates his objection to both the car and the tree. I could argue that he was lumping various forms of transportation together in order to better make his case, but, it’s difficult to argue that a tree constitutes a form of transportation, unless of course, that tree has been felled by loggers, and is winging its way down the highway, on its way to the lumber mill. Possible alternatives to the train could include: “No thanks, wash them down the drain,” or “they cause me stomach pain,” or “I don’t consider them to be part of the generally-acknowledged food chain.”

In the dark

If the curmudgeonly creature was serious about forestalling this unique meal, he could have responded with: “its bright green color would look at home in the park,” or “I wouldn’t eat it, even on a lark,” or “Give me a minute to develop a retort loaded with snark.”

In the rain

Ed. note: See response above located in the “On a train” section - we simply don’t know that many words that rhyme with “rain” and “train.”

With a goat. . .on a boat

According to the illustrations in the book, the whole crowd - you know, the curmudgeonly creature, Sam, the goat, the train, the fox, and everything else - ended up ever-so-briefly on the boat, which sank immediately. During the ensuing chaos in the water, the curmudgeonly creature could have offered up one of these bon mots: “I hope that they are able to float,” or “I think they would stick in my throat,” or “only if you’re ready with an antidote.”

At the risk of spoiling the ending of a children’s book published in 1960, I am reporting to you that the curmudgeonly creature ends up trying the green eggs and ham, provided by Sam, while they are floating in the ocean (it could be a lake, but the waves in the illustrations appear to be quite substantial - that’s why I’m guessing ocean), and, eureka! he likes them!

Yes, kids, the message being delivered here is to try something first, before deciding that you don’t like it, a message also provided by this vintage TV commercial for Life cereal (boy, am I glad I didn’t have to locate rhymes for “cereal” - rhymezone.com offered such options as: arterial, bacterial, ethereal, funereal and venereal). . .

We hope that Dr. Seuss’ publishers (Dr. Seuss, a/k/a Theodor Seuss Geisel died in 1991) are not so thin-skinned as to reject out of hand Rule of Three’s editing suggestions - even a classic can be improved upon.

Although we feel that Rule of Three’s iambic pentameter division provided a comprehensive report designed to improve upon the original, perhaps we have missed some alternatives which you think could further improve Green Eggs and Ham - feel free to share them in the comments section below.

And, don’t forget to check back in with us next week, when we tackle another of Dr. Seuss’ classic children’s books: Yertle the Turtle and Other Stories.

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