"Duck and Cover"

Resistance to data hackers is futile.

An estimated $4.9 million is lost each time a data breach occurs. And, with a frightenedly specific count of 3,158 such cases having occurred in the United States alone in 2024, according to statista.com, if my math is good, that amounts to a total loss of $15.5 billion last year. Granted, that represents only about .05% of the annual GDP of the U.S. in 2024, but, it still seems like real money. Not a bad day’s work for a handful of slackers living in their parents’ basements, or in the basement of Croatian parents, or Nigerian parents or Russian parents (I can’t help it - American movies always portray the bad guys as Russians).

I’m sure you’ve received at least one letter from your healthcare provider, or your credit card issuer or your pension plan administrator within the last few years, indicating that, “We are writing to inform you of a data security incident that may have involved some of your personal information. At [Company Name], we take the protection and privacy of your data very seriously, and we are committed to keeping you informed about important updates regarding your information.” The letter usually concludes by offering free identity theft protection services to you. I believe I now have twelve different free credit monitoring services delivering dire warnings, which I routinely ignore.

Data hacking takes many forms, including: malware, spyware, ransomware and ready-to-wear (that latter offense is a crime against fashion). “Phishing” is another very common data hacking tactic, which 99% of the time involves naked pictures of Maria Sharapova (I know, the reference is a bit dated, but, the handful of slackers living in their parents’ basements, or in the basement of Croatian parents, or Nigerian parents or Russian parents also seem a bit dated); “smishing” is a more technologically current tactic, the SMS (“texting”) version of phishing, but curiously, still seems to overwhelmingly lean on naked pictures of Maria Sharapova.

How can we fend off data hacking attempts? The conventional wisdom suggests three critical steps: a strong password; multi-factor authentication (“MFA”); and frequent password revisions. Each of these imperatives represent annoying impediments to our desire for instant gratification, whether that be: access to Facebook, access to online banking or access to naked pictures of Maria Sharapova.

We are encouraged to craft passwords consisting of a string of random numbers, letters and symbols, which when read backwards do not spell out, “Paul is dead!” (Come on, I know the Rule of Three readership skews older; you know what I’m referring to), rather than simply adopting a password containing the names of your grandchildren, and using that password for the roughly 900 various websites you utilize on a regular basis. Also, “Tech Support” advises that we not affix a post-it-note reflecting this universal password to our computer keyboard, reminding ourselves of this critical access tool. What? The handful of slackers living in their parents’ basements, or in the basement of Croatian parents, or Nigerian parents or Russian parents are going to be visiting our homes to retrieve these post-it-notes from our computer keyboards, and then return to their lairs to perform their cyber dirty work?

And, MFA is another, quite maddening development. I imagine the theory is that, if demanding that a user recall one password to gain access can cause gut-wrenching pain, then insisting upon a second one will double the pleasure of the faceless cyber-lords.

Finally, the issue of frequent password revisions. My friend and colleague, whom I will call Stan, because that’s his name, has sixteen grandchildren, so it’s easy for him to revise his passwords constantly, given his many naming convention options. As for me, I only have six grandchildren, and, some sites insist upon new passwords every month or so. I quickly run out of alternatives - that’s just math.

So sure, you can adopt these cybersecurity protection measures if you wish. But, I would argue that these steps are likely to be as effective as the “duck and cover” drills employed by schoolchildren in the 1950’s, intended as a deterrent to the effects of an atomic bomb blast. (Spoiler alert: Those wooden desks would not have provided much protection).

But, my advice is to simply accept the fact that if a data hacker wishes to steal your identity and use your personal information for nefarious purposes, there’s not much you’re going to be able to do to stop it. I mean, other than slapping post-it-notes with your passwords written on them on your computer keyboard. And, executing a picture-perfect “duck and cover” drill.

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