Entitled (or, "Untitled") - I Couldn't Make Up My Mind
Each of us have had titles bestowed upon us, but for some that isn't enough.
If our lives were stage plays, there would be numerous characters appearing on stage, depicting events and circumstances of our lives at different points in time. Roles in which I have been asked to perform during the course of my life have included: “son,” “brother,” “nephew,” “cousin,” “student,” “classmate,” “teammate,” “busboy,” “pizza maker,” “caddie” (only for one day - check that, only for one ‘loop’ - the country club at which I caddied (briefly) required members to ride in golf carts, and also required the use of caddies - so, I didn’t carry a bag - instead, I chased after the cart for eighteen holes, and, when asked to assist, I failed miserably: Golfer: “Did you see where that drive landed, son?” Me: “No sir, I didn’t see it.” - as the Caddie Master paid me for the loop, he said, “alright, see you tomorrow.” I responded, “Yeah, see you. . .”, “fraternity brother,” “husband,” “friend,” “colleague,” “professional acquaintance,” “newspaper industry veteran,” “accountant,” “businessperson,” “boss,” “subordinate” (I hate that term, but it is fairly descriptive), “worshipper,” “youth sports coach,” “husband,” “father,” “uncle,” “brother-in-law,” “father-in-law,” “grandfather,” “cancer survivor,” “bandmate,” “conductor,” “volunteer,” “board member,” “patient,” “grandfather,” “neighbor,” “sports fan,” “mentor” (hey, I have too been a mentor!), “nemesis” (I don’t have concrete examples of this role for you, but I’m not Pollyannaish enough to believe that there aren’t some out there who are not fans of mine - perhaps “nemesis” is too strong a term - Microsoft’s Word offers options in its Thesaurus application, but I’m not crazy about any of those options - they include: “opponent,” “archenemy,” “archrival,” “adversary,” “competitor,” “rival,” “antagonist,” and “foe” - interesting to note the presence of multiple “arch” options here - ironic, given that the most recognizable “Archies” include: Archie Bunker, Archie Manning, and Archie of “Archie Comics” fame - all seemingly fairly likable, although Archie Bunker certainly had a bombastic bent.), “diner,” “customer,” “fellow passenger,” and, my personal favorite, “participant” (there should be a medal for that, no?).
Notice that I didn’t editorialize regarding any of these roles. I didn’t offer modifications such as: “dutiful husband,” or “caring boss,” or “impatient patient;” that color commentary should be provided by others, I believe.
Now, the gentleman pictured atop this column is one with whom I share a name, and genetic material: Colonel William N. Southern, Jr., who was my great-grandfather’s brother. What does that make him to me: a great-uncle, or a great-grand-uncle, or a great-great-uncle? Experts seem to disagree, and by experts, I mean Googling random web information. What I don’t share with the Colonel are the two modifiers attached to his name: I haven’t adopted the “Colonel” moniker, nor have I added the “Jr.” to my name. Because I am neither. But, neither was this guy - he added “Colonel” and “Jr.” to his name, perhaps because he thought they added gravitas, or perhaps he didn’t understand how names and titles work. His father’s name was John, and there is no evidence of his serving in any role in any of the armed services, including the Army, Navy, Air Force, Coast Guard, Marines, Salvation Army, or even Curtis Sliwa’s Guardian Angels.
Which is not to say that the Colonel wasn’t an interesting character. He founded the Independence Examiner, a daily newspaper in the Kansas City area, in 1898, and which continues publishing to this day. He presided as Editor and Publisher from 1898 to 1951, a span of fifty-three years, during a golden age of newspapering, in which local politicians, such as Independence’s own, Harry S Truman, would seek the Colonel’s endorsement before embarking upon a run for office; newspaper publishers back then had power, and they wielded it constantly. The Colonel’s endorsement of Truman during his various public service campaigns no doubt sparked interesting dinner conversations with his brother (my great-grandfather), Allen C. Southern, a judge in the Kansas City area, who was credited with playing a significant role in busting-up the corrupt “Pendergast Machine,” led by Tom Pendergast, and which also played a role in endorsing political candidates. . .such as Harry S Truman; most accounts I have read insist that Harry S Truman, the politician, was created by Pendergast - without the machine’s support, Truman would never have had a political career. Ed. note: Harry Truman’s "middle initial “S” intentionally lacks a period, inasmuch as it is not an abbreviation for a name - Truman adopted the “S”, representing a couple of family names (no, Southern is not one of them) much as the Colonel modified his own, because he thought it sounded more complete.
The Colonel also taught Sunday school classes, and penned a weekly newspaper column, published in his own newspaper, and perhaps syndicated to other newspapers as well. Information about this faith-based column, written under a pseudonym, Solomon Wise, is difficult to locate, other than being referred to in personal letters written by Truman, from the White House, to the Colonel (apparently letters which were never mailed, but copies of which reside in the Truman Library archives).
I don’t know about you, but if I go to the trouble of writing a letter (or an email, or a text, for that matter), I send it along to the intended recipient. I don’t know why Truman didn’t mail these letters - perhaps it was an exercise suggested by his therapist, as a way to vent his anger and frustration with newspaper editors and publishers. One of these letters appeared to berate the Colonel for the apparent lack of editorial support from his hometown newspaper, lumping him into the same pool of detractors as “Bertie” McCormick (publisher of the Chicago Tribune, and another “Colonel” - I wonder if he truly was a Colonel); Joseph Pulitzer (publisher of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, and the namesake of the Pulitzer Prize); and William Randolph Hearst (publisher of the San Francisco Examiner, among others). Truman did have a contentious relationship with the press. A letter that he apparently did send, in 1950, was sent to a music critic with The Washington Post who had written a scathing review of a performance by Truman’s daughter, Margaret, essentially threatening to punch him in the nose.
Truman did reconcile his feelings before the Colonel’s death in 1956, serving as a pallbearer at Southern’s funeral.
I think the Colonel got away with his title deception because he didn’t overreach. Had he opted for, say, “Prince of Wales” (Prince Charles), or “Sultan of Swat” (you know, Babe Ruth), or “The King of Rock ‘N’ Roll” (Elvis Presley), I think someone would have called him out on it. I once worked with an I.T. manager, who was commonly called, “Doctor Dave”; Dave was not a doctor, possessing not so much as an undergraduate degree. But, as far as I know Dave never attempted to practice surgery, so the affectation was harmless.
It is at this point that I must confess to my own title deception. No, the titles I listed at the outset of this column are all roles in which I have performed during my life. But, in referring to Rule of Three on occasion as an “award-winning column,” some might claim that I am suggesting that I am an award-winning columnist. I must reluctantly admit that, at this point in time, this column has garnered no awards. Were I a politician, I would claim that the title was “aspirational,” or constituted “alternative truth.”
I see in my copy of the script that this scene has concluded. I must retreat to my dressing-room to change out of my “award-winning columnist” costume, and step into my “sports fan” character garb, in order to catch the end of the Michigan-Penn State game - Go Blue!
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