Having just seen the new movie, Black Widow, starring Scarlett Johansson in the titular role (no, Beavis, that doesn’t mean what you think it means), I stepped back to reflect on the role that superheroes play in our lives. The gang pictured above represents the Marvel Comic universe of superheroes, which, according to Marvel.com, includes 2,614 different characters - twenty-six of them begin with the word, “The.” By the way, I didn’t recognize a single one of the “The” characters, but perhaps that’s because I was more of an “Archie Comics” guy growing up. The list begins with “A-Bomb” and travels all the way through the alphabet to “Zzzax (alright, I’m familiar with the old Yellow Pages strategy of inserting as many “A’s” in your business name as possible, in order to land at the very beginning of the book, but, what exactly is the upside of garnering the very last position in the book? I’m pretty sure that listing your name with three “Z’s” will secure that spot for you - in fact, I believe that two would have done the trick - the third “Z” seems gratuitous to me, but, why?). The final character listed is actually “3-D Man,” yet another character of whom I have never heard (boy, that sentence sounds really clunky, huh? I think it’s grammatically correct, but geez!); personally, I would have listed numerically-named characters first, ahead of the “A’s,” but that’s just me - take that, “A-Bomb!”
We’ve all heard during the past fifteen months or so how superheroes have surfaced in our communities, in the face of pandemic challenges. Doctors, nurses, and Grubhub delivery drivers have unquestionably performed above and beyond the call of duty during this crisis. But, I prefer to focus on the lesser-known, but nonetheless important superheroes operating in the shadows on our behalf each and every day. As we consider these superheroes, several key attributes are critical to our understanding of their role in society, including:
Name - a superhero’s name has to instantly convey the place they occupy in our world, and reinforce the importance of their role in it.
Costume - where would Batman be without the cape, which spreads out like a bat’s wings; or, Hulk, with his all-over green appearance, shredding his shirt as he increases in size, while, curiously, his pants remain intact around his waist - that dynamic seems to test the limits of the immutable laws of physics - perhaps they’re stretchy-pants; or, Spiderman, with his webbed costume design, usually featuring the picture of a spider?
Superpowers - I would be hard-pressed to label one a superhero without some specific superpower (or, two, or, egad, even three) - without superpowers, that person would be nothing more than an ordinary hero, and even that might be a stretch.
Catchphrase - one of my favorites is, “It’s clobberin’ time,” surfaced at key moments by The Thing, one of the Fantastic Four group of superheroes.
Arch-Enemy - ironically, not the name of a Marvel universe character - I think it would be an excellent character name. Every good superhero needs a villain, in order to drive their single-minded quest for good: Superman has Lex Luthor; Batman has many familiar villains, including The Joker; and Captain America has Red Skull.
Alter-Ego (a/k/a their day job) - again, a name which I believe would be a winning superhero moniker: “Alter-Ego” (not, “Day Job” - c’mon, that would be a ridiculous superhero name - although, didn’t an early James Bond movie feature a character called, “Odd Job,” who flung his bowler hat at statues, cutting off their heads?). But, most of these superheroes hide in plain sight, occupying boring, workaday jobs, oftentimes in the newspaper business (e.g. Spiderman, Superman).
Armed with these six criteria (I know it’s more than three, but at least it’s a multiple of three), herewith are the three superheroes (there, now that feels more normal) I have been able to identify, living among us:
“Binge-Stream”
Name - this superhero is clearly positioned to nimbly jump around from Netflix series to Amazon Prime series, watching back-to-back-to-back episodes, clearing full seasons of such series in a single bound (sorry, no, that’s Superman) - I mean in single evening (or, two, or egad, even three).
Costume - this superhero should be outfitted in the above-mentioned stretchy-pants, inasmuch as he is likely to accompany his binge-streaming with binge-eating such non-healthy snack alternatives as Cheetos, ice cream, and pizza.
Superpowers - Binge-Stream is equipped to offer TV viewing advice to all comers, whether they be gathered around the water-cooler at the office, or family members on the phone, or even random strangers he encounters at the grocery store (likely in the snack food aisle).
Catchphrase - “Pass me the remote, please,” and “Do we have more Cheetos?”
Arch-Enemy - a hobby which requires him to rise out of his chair, which is parked squarely in front of the TV.
Alter-Ego (a/k/a their day job) - a sedentary office job, such as accountant, which provides ready access to the water-cooler described above.
“The Third Degree”
Name - this superhero’s name alludes to the unnecessary and likely useless third degree he has secured from a post-secondary institution - perhaps a Masters degree, or a PhD, or even an alternate undergraduate degree. Hey, I’m just delighted that I could add to Marvel’s inventory of “The” characters - in this case, one I would henceforth be able to recognize.
Costume - this one’s too easy - of course The Third Degree would be outfitted in a tweed sport-coat, with patches on the elbows, as he labors as an associate professor in some small, liberal-arts college in Ohio (I know, I jumped the gun on his alter-ego - my apologies, I got too excited).
Superpowers - The Third Degree is ready at a moment’s notice to offer unsolicited advice on any topic, unencumbered by specific knowledge gained from any real-world experience.
Catchphrase - “Say, did you know that the life span of a fruit fly is 40-50 days?”
Arch-Enemy - the massive student loan debt he has incurred, whilst amassing his excessive degrees.
Alter-Ego (a/k/a their day job) - see above.
“Grub-Bub”
Name - whereas the Grubhub delivery driver is quite literally the vehicle which provides outsourced restaurant food to consumers, Grub-Bub is the recipient.
Costume - perhaps he could borrow a pair of Binge-Stream’s stretchy pants, given that the number of daily steps logged by Grub-Bub is equivalent to the number of steps required for him to travel from the couch to the front door to retrieve dinner.
Superpowers - Grub-Bub has single-handedly saved the restaurant business from failure, by ensuring a market for their wares; by the same token, he has taken a bite out of the grocery business, because he has little use for them - well, as someone probably said, somewhere down the line, you can’t save everybody.
Catchphrase - “Did they remember the Ranch dressing?”
Arch-Enemy - I kind of alluded to it just above: the grocery store, right?
Alter-Ego (a/k/a their day job) - Uber driver (Ha! I’m just kidding - but, that would be pretty ironic, no?).
I don’t know about you, but I feel safer knowing that this awesome lineup of superheroes is on the job each and every day, working tirelessly to ensure that truth, justice, and the American way prevail (I know, I stole that from Superman too, but, let’s face it, Superman is awesome!).