Extreme Makeover: Christmas Songs Edition
Offensive lyrics are removed from beloved Christmas songs.
We inhabit a world in which offense can be taken at the drop of a hat (by the way, note the cool hats worn by the carolers in the picture above); political correctness transgressions lurk around every corner, including inside some of our most beloved Christmas songs.
As a public service, I have agreed to review the lyrics contained in, oh, I don’t know, perhaps three classic Christmas songs, and to provide a more acceptable, homogenized, version. Below are printed the lyrics for each of these three songs; my notes appear in italics:
Winter Wonderland
Sleigh bells ring, are you listening, (this might be offensive to those who are deaf - perhaps we should substitute, “Sleigh bells ring, imagine they’re ringing,”)
In the lane, snow is glistening (I believe this is demeaning to the sightless - a substitute option might be, “In the lane, there is snow”)
A beautiful sight, (Again, blind listeners shouldn’t be subjected to this obsessive ‘sight-ist’ behavior)
We're happy tonight, (Many Americans are plagued by depression, particularly at this time of year - it even has a name: “Seasonal Affective Disorder.” Perhaps we should soften this to, “We’re feeling OK tonight - all of us,”
Walking in a winter wonderland. (Those military veterans and other who do not have the use of their legs could be offended by this line. Also, there is risk to implying a fantasy '“land,” which may not exist in reality. I would suggest, “Walking, if you’re able, in a reality-based wintertime.”)
Gone away is the bluebird, (This unnecessary focus on a single species of bird, the bluebird, is dismissive of other birds, who are just as important in the world as the bluebird, including the cardinal (red), the oriole (orange), and the crow (black). And, there are some who fear a sense of abandonment. A replacement lyric could be, “There is a diverse array of birds, who are here to stay.”)
Here to stay is a new bird (I was prescient about the “Here to stay,” no? My hangup with this line is our rush to judgment in terms of replacing the old with the new. I think we strike this lyric entirely.)
He sings a love song, (Clearly, this line begs a, “They” pronoun, in order to be entirely inclusive)
As we go along, (We should feel empowered to be led by our own feelings, not to be constrained by “going along” with the general consensus. The new lyric should be, “As we develop our own unique perspective, derived from our personal history,”)
Walking in a winter wonderland. (We’ve covered this ground already)
In the meadow we can build a snowman, (It should be made clear that this snow being is a non-gender-specific person)
Then pretend that he is Parson Brown (There’s that disconnect with reality again. We must come to terms with the world in which we live. And, why a Parson? Does that not imply that all people of the clergy are cold and stiff and unbending? )
He'll say: Are you married? (Why the insistence upon a piece of paper to justify love and togetherness? This line should be recast to, “They’ll say: Are you enjoying being together?”)
We'll say: No man, (“Yes, we are enjoying being together, non-gender-specific person,”)
But you can do the job (Unemployment rates being what they are today, I’d rather we not highlight this issue of “haves” and “have-nots.” A substitute line could be, “You are eminently qualified to perform any task to which you put your mind to, whether or not you are currently employed.”)
When you're in town. (Or, we could arrange to do it remotely, via Zoom, or any number of other digital conferencing tools.)
Later on, we'll conspire, (I dislike the idea of a cabal plotting in any way. The line should read, “Later on, we’ll collaborate.”)
As we dream by the fire (Now, dreaming is simply another way to escape reality, isn’t it? We must remain attuned to the world around us)
To face unafraid, (We must all face our fears directly, not pretend that they don’t exist)
The plans that we've made, (These plans must be vetted, and must reflect the diversity of thought and perspective provided by all)
Walking in a winter wonderland. (ibid.)
In the meadow we can build a snowman, (Ahem, “non-gender-specific person”)
And pretend that he's a circus clown (There are very specific rules regarding the clowning profession, which prohibit laypersons from performing as circus clowns, without being dues-paying members of the Circus Clowns union)
We'll have lots of fun with mister snowman, (This line will be restructured to reflect a non-gender-specific snow being, and to indicate that having said fun was entirely consensual)
Until the other kids knock him down. (Now, this lyric appears to endorse bullying; I move we strike it entirely)
When it snows, ain't it thrilling, (The American Society of English Teachers takes issue with use of the word, “ain’t,” claiming that it is not, in fact, a real word.)
Though your nose gets a chilling (Scarf manufacturers would never permit one’s nose to remain uncovered, once the temperature falls below a certain level. I suggest, “Even though your nose is appropriately protected from the cold”)
We'll frolic and play, the Eskimo way, (As was demonstrated in the recent court case, “U.S. v. Eskimo Pie Company,” this description of “Northern Territory Native Americans” is pejorative and derogatory - it will be stricken)
Walking in a winter wonderland. (ibid.)
Walking in a winter wonderland, (ibid.)
Walking in a winter wonderland. (ibid.)
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
You know Dasher, and Dancer, and
Prancer, and Vixen,
Comet, and Cupid, and
Donder and Blitzen (Assuming that everyone knows the names of these eight tiny reindeer is a bit presumptive - memory loss associated with Alzheimer’s and other degenerative, cognitive diseases is a true mental health concern, and we shouldn’t be minimizing it any way. Also, much like the poor, uncompensated NCAA Division 1 football players, I would argue that these eight tiny reindeer names and likenesses can not legally be used promotionally without their permission - I recommend a revision along the lines of, “You may recall that certain group of eight tiny reindeer. . .unless you are experiencing memory loss issues, in which case you should immediately call the Mental Health Hotline at 888-888-8888 for assistance”)
But do you recall
The most famous reindeer of all (Now, this phrase continues to poke those with cognitive issues right in the eye!)
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer (Physical deformities are no trivial matter; and, we should embrace the diversity of reindeer, sporting noses of different colors, be they red, or black, or. . .well, that’s probably about it)
had a very shiny nose (Cosmetics manufacturers deliver products which magically soften the shine on any nose - we shouldn’t have to tolerate the unsightly shine on any nose in 2020)
and if you ever saw it (Let’s be careful not to offend the sightless here - perhaps, “and if you either saw it firsthand, or had heard it described to you” is a better option)
you would even say it glows. (We don’t want to impose our own personal cultural experiences on others - substituting “might” for “would” solves that problem)
All of the other reindeer
used to laugh and call him names (I’m hesitant to suggest that “all” of the other reindeer participated in this bullying exercise, without videotaped, or eyewitness accounts (supported by affidavits) - this step could very well result in slander litigation - we should indicate that, “We have been told that all of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names (a claim not yet supported by evidentiary material”)
They never let poor Rudolph
play in any reindeer games. (Now, this is very clear evidence of bullying - games should be all-inclusive, and no child, I mean reindeer, should be excluded)
Then one foggy Christmas eve (Adopting “an abundance of caution,” which has become an ubiquitous phrase lately, directs that all flights must be grounded, if the weather is unsuitable for flight)
Santa came to say: (Pronouncements these days are typically made via Twitter, no? The revised line should be, “Santa issued the following statement on Twitter”)
"Rudolph with your nose so bright, (Santa, of all people, should know better than to highlight the obvious physical deformity of one of his employees - the Department of Labor would mount an immediate investigation)
won't you guide my sleigh tonight?" (GPS manufacturers would likely provide a device, gratis, to Santa, in exchange for significant promotional value - therefore, there is really no need for Santa to deploy this disabled employee - he should be placed on a company-paid disability plan)
Then all the reindeer loved him (In a consensual manner)
as they shouted out with glee, (I’m pretty sure the name, “Glee,” is protected by U.S. copyright, and therefore, not able to be used in this song, without forwarding royalty payments to the producers of the acclaimed television show)
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, (See notes above)
you'll go down in history! (The passage of time will determine whether or not Rudolph’s story is significant enough to earn a page in the history books; perhaps coverage of “Glee’s” stunning success will prove more compelling, and Rudolph will be resigned to the forgotten pile of Christmas stories that come and go)
A Holly Jolly Christmas
Have a holly, jolly Christmas; (Alright, there are several issues with this statement: firstly, Christmas is clearly a denominational holiday; and use of the word, “jolly” comes with it the baggage ascribed to obese persons, such as Santa, who are oft-times described as, “jolly” (e.g. “A right jolly old elf. . .”), and which yields a host of medical concerns, including hypertension, diabetes, and heart disease. A replacement lyric might be, “Have a pleasant winter season, as allowed by your healthcare professionals.;)
It's the best time of the year (Some might argue that it is the best time of the year, but other seasons have merit as well, including: Spring (flowers, warmer weather); Summer (outdoor activities, beach visits); and Fall (colorful trees, football). I would suggest, “It’s one of the four seasons, each of which has many positive attributes”)
I don't know if there'll be snow, (There, now we’ve offended yet another union - this one, the National Association of Weather Forecasters, whose mission is dedicated to accurately predicting the chance of precipitation. This should read, “We defer to professional weather forecasters, as to predicting the likelihood of precipitation,”)
but have a cup of cheer. (We should ensure that, if one is planning on imbibing alcoholic beverages, such drinking must be in moderation, and, further, if driving is involved, a “Designated Driver” must be appointed for the evening - there exists a fabulous array of non-alcoholic, yet fully satisfying beverages)
Have a holly, jolly Christmas; (See notes above)
And when you walk down the street (If ambulatory, otherwise however you are able to transport yourself)
Say Hello to friends you know
and everyone you meet. (Trustworthy advice for years now has mandated that, due to potential “Stranger Danger,” we must be wary of those we don’t know. The revision ought to be, “Cordially greet those persons known to you, and cautiously approach those whom you do not know.”)
Oh, ho, the mistletoe (An unfortunate choice of words here, with the second word in the stanza, particularly as it is associated with “mistletoe;” there is simply no cause for name-calling, or assuming negative character traits of one connected with mistletoe.)
hung where you can see; (Finally, a lyric I can get behind - transparency is of the utmost importance, as it relates to the placement of mistletoe - “sneak attacks” are simply not to be tolerated in this regard - the deployment and use of mistletoe must be entirely consensual.)
Somebody waits for you; (Stalking is a crime in most jurisdictions; we must remain vigilant to what lurks “just around the corner.” A substitution might be, “An opportunity for an entirely consensual encounter presents itself.”)
Kiss her once for me. (I’m confused by the implications of this suggestion: If the person present in the situation proposes a kiss, which is readily accepted by the other party, what exactly are the interests of the third party here? Is there a suggestion of a Cyrano De Bergerac situation here, in which the person present is acting on behalf of a third party? Such a scenario is rife with legal complications.)
Have a holly jolly Christmas, (ibid.)
and in case you didn't hear, (Those who have experienced some hearing loss do not need to reminded of their disability - professional sign-language interpreters should be employed here to ensure that all have equal access to the message being disseminated.)
Oh by golly, have a holly,
jolly Christmas this year. (The phrase, “By golly,” connotes a folksy, rural perspective, which is likely to offend urban and suburban listeners. I would argue for the substitution of the phrase, “My goodness,” which is less likely to offend.)
I’m glad that I was available to help purify these beloved Christmas songs, in order to embrace inclusivity and equanimity. In that spirit, I’d like to share with you my fervent wish that you enjoy a non-denominational, unspecific holiday season, and celebrate in a unique and satisfying manner, dictated by your own unique cultural and spiritual perspective.