Go to Hell!

Or, any one of a number of other, unusually-named towns.

You’ve likely heard of Hell, Michigan, and, I’m not going to highlight other easily-parodied town names, such as, “Intercourse, Pennsylvania,” and “Climax, Michigan,” because, you know, I’m not a 14-year-old boy.

But, there are a number of other unusual town names in the United States, and we here at Rule of Three are just the guys to bring that information to you. We’re not even going to touch on towns located in the South, because, given such names as Hoop and Holler, Texas, Hog Jaw, Arkansas, and Big Bone Lick, Kentucky, there’s simply too much low-hanging fruit (which, in itself, would be a delightfully whimsical name for a town) there. In fact, we’ll limit our research only to those states in which our award-winning columnist has resided. Some of our favorites (from non-Southern states) include:

• Jersey Shore, Pennsylvania - what we find amusing about the name of this particular borough is that it is located in north central Pennsylvania, and is therefore, nowhere close to being located near the Jersey Shore - ah, geography!

• Jim Thorpe, Pennsylvania - Jim Thorpe, PA, which is actually closer to the Jersey Shore than Jersey Shore, PA is, was renamed in honor of the Native American sports legend in 1954, as it secured the athlete’s remains from his wife, who was struggling to secure an arrangement with a municipality to erect a memorial to Thorpe. Two adjacent boroughs in Pennsylvania, Mauch Chunk and East Mauch Chunk (which sound to me like a couple of ice cream flavors in Ben and Jerry’s lineup), were merging and seeking to attract business to the economically-challenged area. Ironically, Jim Thorpe had visited neither of the two “Mauch Chunks” during his lifetime, although he played football for coach Pop Warner at Carlisle Indian Industrial School, in Carlisle, PA, located in south central Pennsylvania (also, quite a ways from the Jersey Shore). Man, everything happens in Pennsylvania!

• Scalp Level, Pennsylvania - incorporated in 1898, Scalp Level was apparently so named after a local property owner ordered his farm workers to “scalp them bushes level.” In all honesty, it’s not the stupidest reason I’ve heard behind the naming of a town - what’s the stupidest reason you’ve heard?

• Shoemakersville, Pennsylvania - I know what you’re thinking: this borough is home to a collection of shoemaking companies, all churning out dress shoes, athletic shoes, and ballet slippers 24/7, right? Wrong! It is home, however, to the Merit Underwear Company - I guess “Underwearsville” didn’t test well with the focus groups.

• Hooppole, Illinois - this tiny village (pop. 204) in northwest Illinois might have been named for the two toys available to the children residing there to play with; a more prosperous community might be named, “Lego City,” or “Barbietown,” or “Transformersville.”

• Huey, Illinois - another small village in south central Illinois - a detailed search of a map of Illinois did not reveal adjacent towns named, “Dewey,” and “Louie,” but I’ll bet they’re somewhere close by.

• Merrionette Park, Illinois - the alternative spelling notwithstanding, I have imagined that this village is home to a community of puppets.

• Normal, Illinois - one of the larger towns featured in this column, Normal is home to 52,736 people, most of whom I must assume are pretty. . .well, you know. . .

• Oblong, Illinois - gee, I wonder what shape this village, in the southeastern part of the state, takes?

• Panama, Illinois - no canal here, in this small village in central Illinois, but there is a coal mine.

• Redbud, Illinois - Redbud, located in the southwest corner of the state, may, or may not have been named for a popular marijuana strain. And, further, there’s no evidence of a collaboration with the village listed just above to produce an even more popular blend: Panama Red.

• Ripley, Illinois - if a village boasts a population of 53 people, is it really a village? You can choose to believe it. . .or not.

• Standard, Illinois - sure, Illinois is home to Normal, and Standard, and Worth, but you have to travel all the way to Oregon to reach Boring.

Don't worry, we're not visiting Oregon in this column - our intention here is to avoid boring altogether.  Simply click the button here to subscribe now to Rule of Three - it's free!  

• Gas, Kansas - if you’re headed south to Oklahoma from Kansas City, you would have to pass Gas.

• Acme, Michigan - perhaps the home of Acme Corporation, a critical supplier of faulty roadrunner-destroying equipment for years.

• Alabaster, Michigan - now, I’m not suggesting for one minute that this tiny township, perched on Saginaw Bay, is an enclave for one particular race of people, or another - wikipedia.com does inform us that 96.2% of its residents are White.

• Bad Axe, Michigan - it’s important to see this one in print, rather than to hear it, because the risk is that one might envision a town populated by black leather jacket-clad bikers roaring down Main Street, spoiling for a fight.

• Frankenlust, Michigan - now, I know I said that I wasn’t a 14-year-old boy, but, c’mon, can you not envision, as I can, a skirt-chasing Frankenstein monster?

• Fruitport and Fruitland, Michigan - these two are as close as I could find to “Low-Hanging Fruit” during my exhaustive research - perhaps I should prepare incorporation papers now to prevent others from jumping my claim.

• Germfask Township, Michigan - I simply had to know the origin story of this one - turns out, “Germfask” was constructed from the first letter of the last name of each of its eight founders, from John Grant to Hezekiah Knaggs. Well, although Mr. Knaggs’ name is mildly amusing, that origin story isn’t very interesting at all (Ed. note: Don’t worry - we’ll edit this bullet out before publishing).

• Grant, Michigan - I count twelve “Grants” in the state of Michigan, sprinkled amongst 11 different counties - that is truly prolific. . .and, potentially pretty confusing. Perhaps when the incorporation paperwork came back from the state offices, it had been stamped “granted,” signifying approval, and each town’s founding fathers believed that the state was indicating that the name of the town in question needed to be revised to “Grant.”

• Home, Michigan - similarly, there are two “Homes” in the state of Michigan. I suspect each town’s founders, in the late 1800’s, were prescient regarding future technology innovations, and resolved to make it easy to set up traffic directions on the Google Maps app, enabling “Home” to be set up as one’s home address.

• Bowling Green, Ohio - yes, the original is in Kentucky, but who says there can’t be more than one? After all, there are ninety-one “Washingtons” and 45 “Franklins” in the United States (there’s only 20 “Grants,” so Michigan leads the league in that category, with 12 of them). This name suggests bowling alleys with limited carbon footprints.

• Brunswick, Ohio - although not located geographically near to Bowling Green, these two might be collaborating on that bowling alley project, as Brunswick is certainly a big name in the bowling world (a world featuring exceptionally stylish footwear).

• Mentor-on-the-Lake - I learned to drive a motorboat a lot of years ago, and I’d be happy to contract out my services to those young people itching to get behind the wheel of a motorboat.

• Reminderville, Ohio - another technological early adopter, this city’s name was likely inspired by the alerts provided by Google’s calendar app.

• Chagrin Falls, Ohio - no need to be embarrassed, fellas, you have a lovely village there.

• Lithopolis, Ohio - I believe this village was originally named, “Lispopolis,” but the first mayor had, you know, a lisp.

• Newcomerstown, Ohio - this village is quite welcoming.

• St. Bernard, Ohio - I wonder if there are any good kennels, or after-dinner liquor distilleries based in this village?

• Waldo, Ohio - finally, an answer to the question posed by that series of children’s books!

Yessir, the United States is one colorful country - by that, of course, I mean that whenever you see a map of the United States, each state is reflected in a different color, in order that you can clearly see where each state begins and ends.

And. . .this is where this column ends.  Simply click the button here to subscribe now to Rule of Three - it's free!