Hey, I know it’s only August, but in my opinion it’s never too early to begin thinking about holiday gifts for that special someone in your life. You know, like that award-winning columnist that you so thoroughly enjoy. What? I’m not talking about me, I’m talking about those other columnists you read regularly, who have won actual awards. Look, when we began this relationship, we each understood that this was not going to be an exclusive thing - you were free to read other columns (although, I’d like to think that I satisfy all of your column needs, and I really don’t know why you feel the need to seek out other columns. . .but I digress - you are free to read other columns - just, you know, don’t read them while sipping coffee from your keepsake Rule of Three mug, because then I would really feel violated. What’s that, you haven’t yet received your keepsake Rule of Three mug? Well, you know the mail), and I am free to drive my subscriber base to untold levels (they’re untold because I refuse to provide that level to you - it’s none of your business, although, would it kill you to suggest to your friends and family that they should join the Rule of Three subscriber family? C’mon man, I’m working hard over here - perhaps you could step-up your game).
One of the gift options you may wish to consider this holiday season is the somewhat Machiavellian “. . .of the Month” club option, in which a gift in keeping with the club’s theme is mailed to the recipient once a month, usually for twelve consecutive months. I say Machiavellian, because one-twelfth of the gift appears in your mailbox each month for a year, cleverly reinforcing the generosity of the gift-giver (call it the George Costanza strategy - remember the Seinfeld episode in which George leaves an expensive Russian sable hat behind in a woman’s apartment, in a ploy to provide an excuse for him to return to the woman’s apartment?)
I can recall receiving at least two of these “. . .of the Month” club gift subscriptions (sorry to fall short of this column’s defining metric - I simply cannot recall receiving a third one): one, a “Beer of the Month” gift subscription from my father-in-law, and the second one, an annual subscription to Playboy magazine (thanks, honey. . .).
The gold standard regarding “. . .of the Month” clubs has long been the “Book of the Month” club (hereafter “BOMC”), which, according to the graphic above, was established in 1926. Extensive research performed by the tireless Rule of Three content management team reveals that, if imitation is indeed the sincerest form of flattery, BOMC should be blushing profusely by now, given its many imitators. Some of the more sensible options include: “Craft Beer of the Month;” “Wine of the Month;” “Cheese of the Month;” “Cigar of the Month;” “Chocolate of the Month;” “Fruit of the Month;” and “Flower of the Month” clubs. However (and, I know you will find this surprising), I am intrigued by some of the more unusual “knockoffs,” which include:
“Ice Cream of the Month” - hmm. . .I’m familiar with the science of dry ice, but much like gravity, I don’t trust it implicitly - particularly if this gift is being delivered, say, in August, to a home in Phoenix.
“Marshmallow of the Month” - to me, the idea of the “. . .of the Month” club is to provide, during the course of a year, a variety of similarly-themed products, in order that the recipient might enjoy a sampling of such products, and provide feedback to the gift-giver and others - e.g. a recipient of monthly gifts contained within a “Craft Beer of the Month” club subscription might opine, “I really enjoyed the IPA, but the summer ale wasn’t terribly distinctive.” With the “Marshmallow of the Month” offerings, I can envision the recipient sharing that, “April’s marshmallow was mushy and sickly-sweet tasting, and so was January’s, February’s, March’s, May’s, June’s, July’s, August’s, September’s, October’s, November’s, and December’s.” If there’s one thing that “. . .of the Month” clubs must deliver, it’s variety.
“Dive Bar Shirt of the Month” - now, I welcome an occasional dive bar visit as much as the next guy, but you’ve really got to be committed to a complete and total lack of fashion sense to embrace dialing one of these t-shirts into your wardrobe lineup each month for a year - paging Mr. Blackwell. . .You might just as well put on your sweatpants, and call it a day.
Now, as you consider gift-giving options, I have developed some suggestions for you (as well as some options to avoid), including:
“Bunny of the Month” - no, I’m not talking about a Playboy bunny - that’s covered in the Playboy magazine subscription highlighted above - I’m talking about providing a monthly gift of an actual bunny - kids would love that! But, upon reflection, perhaps “Bunny of the Month” is not such a good idea, given the reputation bunnies have regarding rapid multiplication; if my math is good, the average recipient of an annual “Bunny of the Month” gift subscription would have 13,780 bunnies on hand at the end of the one-year subscription - that’s a lot of rabbit-pellets to deal with.
“Goldfish of the Month” - this one might make a bit more sense than the “Bunny of the Month” gift, inasmuch as the average life-span of a goldfish is approximately thirty-seven hours. How many among us have ceremoniously (as in an early The Cosby Show episode), or unceremoniously flushed a goldfish down the toilet? I was preparing to do just that, after our oldest son decided that “Vinnie the Fish” was hungry, and proceeded to fill his goldfish bowl with Nilla Wafers; Nilla Wafers are quite absorbent, much like a sponge, and they had sucked up most of Vinnie’s water, inducing what I termed (without any formal medical or coroner training), “Early-onset wafer-type cookie-related death.” Miraculously, Vinnie the Fish survived this ordeal, and went on to live a very long (for a goldfish) life, growing into a really ugly, strange-looking fish - I blame the Nilla wafer incident. Nonetheless, utilizing the same mathematical model I deployed regarding bunnies, I estimate that, at the end of a one-year “Goldfish of the Month” subscription, the average recipient would posses exactly 0.8 goldfish, and the family toilet-bowl would have gotten quite a workout.
“Chuck Taylor High Top Sneaker of the Month” - these iconic sneakers come in a wide variety of colors. When my oldest son was a toddler, we each sported matching Chuck Taylor’s for a few years; our first pair was yellow, I remember - we followed that up with orange, red, and turquoise - there may have been others. We no longer wear matching sneakers - our fashion-senses have diverged, apparently.
I wish you happy hunting during the coming holiday shopping season, which retailers will no-doubt officially launch in August - you may think you’re ahead of the curve, but it comes on quickly. As for your erstwhile columnist, an ideal gift for him would be an annual subscription to the “Single-Malt Scotch of the Month” club, if Santa’s making his list and checking it twelve times.