As the trees shed their last batch of leaves, and “football weather” descends upon us, I look forward to the coming holiday season, and all the joy and frivolity it brings with it. And, I’m intrigued by a relatively new phenomenon known as “Friendsgiving.”
As I understand Friendsgiving, this new tradition involves assembling with friends rather than family for a holiday meal, with turkey, and all the trimmings. Sometimes this event doesn’t even include a meal - it might simply be beer and pretzels at the local bar, which, I gotta’ be honest, sounds a lot like “a night out with your buddies,” and doesn’t seem to merit a new moniker. This gathering can be conducted on Thanksgiving Day, or at any time in November, or, basically, at any time you like - it’s Thanksgiving Day anarchy.
The first mention of Friendsgiving in print (because, let’s face it, printed news is really the only authentic, true source) was in 2007, and no, it is not connected in any way to the hit sitcom, Friends. It is believed to have been developed as a solution for young single people, based in cities far from their ancestral home, and other unattached people, who either couldn’t navigate their way home for the holidays, or didn’t have such a destination available to them.
Those of us who regularly spend Thanksgiving with family might experience “Friendsgiving Envy,” a syndrome which may or may not be recognized by The American Psychiatric Association. This malady results from forced exposure to extended-family members during the holiday season, and places a tremendous strain on the mental-health support system. (Ed. note: This hypothetical strained family scenario in no way reflects the beliefs of the award-winning columnist, who dearly loves his extended-family, and treasures the time he is able to spend with them during the holidays, and, in fact, at any point in time during the year - there, that disclaimer should satisfy even the most litigious-minded family members out there).
Much as NFL teams who have logged only two or three wins at the midpoint of their season, we have an opportunity, before the trading deadline, to execute transactions enabling us to pivot from that traditional Thanksgiving celebration with family to an enjoyable Friendsgiving soiree. Herewith are some potential trades for your consideration:
Trade Aunt Linda, who regularly brings her disgusting sweet potato casserole, with marshmallows melted on top to Thanksgiving dinner for an old friend from college, Bobby, who, when asked to bring a dish to share, will likely stop at a 7-Eleven on the way to your house, and purchase a couple of boxes of frozen Totino’s Pepperoni Pizza Rolls - yum!
Trade cousin Tom, who, within forty-seven seconds of beginning any conversation, with anyone, launches into a detailed recounting of his latest investment transaction conquest, highlighting the specific boost to his pocketbook, for your neighbor, Sally, a middle manager with a large corporate organization, who quietly goes about her business, and is a delightful cocktail-party conversationalist. You might also secure a future draft pick in this transaction - Tom is quite animated, and some trade partners are attracted to that kind of thing.
Trade your sister, Betty, who regales you with the exploits of her three young children, in the academic, sports, and civic arenas nonstop, while the young perpetrators themselves race around your house, breaking your stuff, and spilling drinks, and torturing your dog, for your wife’s friend from the office, Susie, who is, thankfully, childless. And, there’s no need to suffer through Betty’s presentation, because she posts photos and details of her kids’ exploits to Facebook at least three times a day, and you’ve already become exhausted by the onslaught.
Trade your perpetually drunk Uncle Herb, who, admittedly has to put up with Aunt Linda every single day, not just Thanksgiving Day (and, endure her culinary creations, such as the aforementioned marshmallow-laced, sweet potato casserole), but still that’s no excuse for pounding Budweisers from the moment he enters your house to when you wave goodbye to him and Aunt Linda at the front door (hopefully, Aunt Linda intends to drive home), for Pastor Jim, from church - Jim may not be a teetotaler, but he’s definitely not in Uncle Herb’s weight-class, and his wife, Katie, is quite knowledgeable about the NFL, having grown up in a household with three brothers - a skill which comes in handy on Thanksgiving Day, what with its wall-to-wall games on TV. And, really, Budweiser? Cutting loose Uncle Herb would be worth it for the simple benefit of never having to stock Budweiser in your refrigerator ever again.
Speaking of wall-to-wall NFL games on Thanksgiving Day, another trade you may wish to consider would be unloading your brother, Wally, who is incapable of tearing himself away from the wall-to-wall NFL games on TV, even when the turkey has been carved, and Grampa is asking everyone to raise their glasses in a toast to something or other - it might very well be a toast to wall-to-wall NFL games on Thanksgiving Day - who knows? for Allison, the girl who lives down the street, and who helps out with walking the dog on occasion - although, come to think of it, she might switch the channel to the National Dog Show, which, curiously, takes place on Thanksgiving Day (“I just want to see the Weimaraners”).
Now, of course you can stick with the players already on the team, but, let’s face it, you’re likely looking at finishing the season 5-12, at best. That would provide you with a high draft pick next year, but this season is a write-off.
So, Happy Friendsgiving, everybody! Or, Happy Thanksgiving, if you were unable to execute the trades necessary to put you on a path to victory!
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