"Hey, Watch It Buddy, You're Gonna' Put an Eye Out With That Thing!"
Backpacks that pack a punch.
On a recent trip to Denver, I was astounded (and, by astounded I mean, accosted, jostled, and roundly thrashed) by the presence of backpacks seemingly everywhere.
Now, you can blithely dismiss these “Backpack Wars” as simply a function of traveling to Colorado, which contains roughly 1.2 miles of hiking trails per capita, and is agog with hikers. But, I believe that even in Mississippi, which usnews.com has declared to be the “Least Physically Active State in America,” you would likely encounter backpacks everywhere you turn. They are simply ubiquitous.
Backpack-wearers run the gamut these days, from babies lugging (alright, their mommies and daddies are actually doing the lugging) their backpacks to daycare, containing diapers, formula, and pacifiers, all the way up to seniors, who have likely packed their dentures, and a pack of Depends, and that cellphone with the really large numbers. The sweet-spot for backpackers is in the teenager to mid-thirties range, and, let me tell you, the size of the backpack some of those youngsters are mounting on their backs is truly awe-inspiring. Once they remove them, they stand naturally at an angle similar to the Tower of Pisa - such is the counterweight resistance required to walk upright with these contraptions strapped to their back (you’re welcome for the physics lesson provided here).
And, backpackers forget these massive bundles are strapped to their backs, requiring innocent bystanders to duck quickly to avoid being smacked as they pivot in different directions. I’ve noticed a similar dynamic regarding women’s purses - there seems to be an arms race underway in that space. There’s no longer a need for women to pack a can of mace in their purse; the handbag itself is weapon enough to bring a potential attacker to his knees. In fact, I believe the U.S. Army should consider creating a division consisting of soldiers armed only with large backpacks and purses - I think it would be quite an effective fighting force, and a nice addition to the existing Infantry, Cavalry, Armored, Mountain, Airborne, Artillery, and Security divisions. (Ed. note: Extensive research was performed before settling on use of the word “division” here - other options considered included: brigade, regiment, company, battalion, squad, squadron, troop, and battery - so many options!)
I think the only time I regularly slung a backpack was in my college days - certainly a convenient way to tote those massive textbooks students used to have to lug around. I don’t remember backpacks when I was in high school - that came later, I guess. And, even though I don’t reside in Mississippi, I embrace my sedentary lifestyle, and don’t venture out onto trails or streets very often to hike. So, backpacks are not a part of my existence.
Studies have shown (in addition to being a great name for a band, my intent in deploying the phrase, “Studies Have Shown” is to spawn a sub-brand beneath the Rule of Three umbrella, which can ultimately be spun-off on its own for fun and profit, much like All in the Family’s sitcom spinoffs (Maude, Good Times, The Jeffersons), or eBay’s spinoff of Paypal, or Oprah’s spinning-off of Drs. Phil and Oz) that young students carry backpacks amounting to up to 25% of their body weight, and that this load can cause musculoskeletal injuries, fatigue, redness, swelling, and discomfort.
The data I have related here is from an actual study, which was published by the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, and was co-authored by five (count ‘em, five) people, and was entitled, “The Impact of Backpack Loads on School Children: A Critical Narrative Review.” The conclusion of this august research study (reported here verbatim): “Considering the limited methodological quality and variations in foci across studies, further research is needed to elucidate: (1) the loads students carry around on a school day in their school backpacks and; (2) the biomechanical, physiological and physical effects of load carriage on students.” Now, this is exactly the type of academic mumbo-jumbo I envisioned when developing the “Studies Have Shown” concept - I only hope that I can live up to the obfuscation standards established by these professionals.
Speaking of Dr. Oz, you may have noticed that he is mounting a campaign for a U.S. Senate seat in the state of Pennsylvania, due to be vacated soon. As a full-fledged resident of Pennsylvania, might I suggest that he adopt the following campaign slogan, sure to resonate with my fellow Pennsylvanians: “Dr. Oz: Working tirelessly on behalf of Pennsylvanians, because there was no readily-available Senate seat in New Jersey, where I live.” It’s a variant of the Herschel Walker campaign strategy, which, as I understand it could be summed up with: “Herschel Walker: I’ll move to Georgia from my current home in Texas just in time to run for the U.S. Senate, because, having been a star running back at the University of Georgia a long time ago, my name-recognition is likely stronger there than in Texas.”
Ah, politics! Again, speaking on behalf of all Pennsylvanians: Dr. Oz, we welcome you with open arms, just, you know, leave the medical quackery advice behind.
But, back to solving the backpack proliferation problem. As I see it, there are typically three potential approaches when it comes to problem-solving:
Carrot - incentives might be offered to backpack wearers to either downsize their equipment, or to leave it at home entirely, such as providing free airline tickets for those passengers who do not attempt to board an airplane with a massive backpack.
Stick - a hefty surcharge could be assessed on all those sporting backpacks larger than a box of tissues.
Enraged Tiger - this lesser-used approach might prove to be controversial, but hear me out. All those passengers who arrive at the airport with large backpacks could be diverted by TSA into a separate line which leads to a small room in which an enraged tiger is housed, and passengers are locked in that room for a short period of time. I think this strategy would be quite successful, inasmuch as the word of mouth buzz would likely travel pretty quickly, and lead to successful outcomes.
I’ve observed our national COVID vaccine rollout progress, and have noted the varying levels of success attributed to use of one of the first two problem-solving approaches. As governors and public health professionals consider solutions, perhaps they shouldn’t be so quick to dismiss the third alternative out of hand.
Also, you may have noticed that I used the word “variant” above. I’m sure you’re as tired as I am of hearing that word. I just reviewed Lake Superior State University’s banished words list for 2022, a list they publish annually on December 31st, for the coming year, and I am a bit dismayed that “variant” does not appear on that list. But, rest assured that I plan to attack that issue, as well as others of grave concern to you and me (well, mostly to me) in the coming year.
Happy New Year to you and yours!
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