Higher Education Alternatives

B.S. and B.A. degrees are not the only options.

The prevailing wisdom supplied to graduating high school seniors is that pursuing a bachelor’s degree from an accredited university makes sense. Recently, some have begun to question the return on investment (ROI) derived from a college education. A whitepaper produced by The Foundation for Research on Equal Opportunity, headlined Is College Worth It? A Comprehensive Return on Investment Analysis attempts to perform that ROI analysis. Its findings suggest that, on average, the median bachelor’s degree yields net positive ROI of $306,000.

This return on investment varies widely, depending upon the institution, and, more importantly, upon the field of study. Your best bet, according to the study, is earning a computer science degree from the California Institute of Technology; your projected ROI exceeds $4.4 million. But, for the sake of argument, let’s imagine that you would prefer to study art, music, philosophy, religion or psychology; most programs covering those fields of study produce negative ROI, on average.

But, what if mainstream colleges and universities don’t offer instruction in your desired field of study?

You’ve come to the right place. Rule of Three’s Alternative Education Planning department has developed a compendium of such options for your consideration.

Top of their list, of course, is the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Clown College, an institution founded in 1968 by Irvin Feld, owner of the circus by the same name. Unfortunately, the school was closed in 1997, after Feld’s son took over the circus and the college, after Irvin Feld’s death, in 1984. It was determined that the college’s operation was no longer necessary, given its alumni base of over fifteen hundred graduates; I mean, how many clowns does the world need, after all?

Another honorable profession to consider is that of barber. I have firsthand knowledge of the existence of barber colleges, because a Rule of Three column published several years ago highlighted the fact that I was a barber college subject, while a penniless college student, in Lawrence, Kansas. . .

One of several extant barber colleges is the American College of Barbering, located in Louisville, Kentucky. A description of the College’s mission, lifted from a summary of programs detailed on nationalbarbers.org, indicates that the curriculum includes: “. . .classes on scalp care and the history of barbering to courses on sterilization and hair coloring. . .” Now, that’s quite a comprehensive set of coursework, no doubt priming its graduates for a fulfilling career in barbering. Also, “sterilization?” Is blood-letting a part of the curriculum as well?

The WWE Performance Center, based in Orlando, Florida, doesn’t have the name “college” in its title, but let’s face it, it is indeed a college, created to confer upon its graduates the sheepskin which entitles the recipient to be able to smash folding chairs over the heads of opponents in the ring, and to absorb flying kicks to the abdomen and to drape those massive, fake jewel-encrusted belts over their shoulders.

Another notable example of a nontraditional college is Hamburger University, a training facility run by McDonald’s Corporation, in Chicago, Illinois. Given its founding in 1961, and roughly 5,000 “students” attending the institution every year, there are considerably more holders of a degree in “Hamburgerology” (275,000) than there are Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Clown College graduates. I leave it to you to determine which degree offers the greatest long term value. I have to imagine that Ronald McDonald is a dual degree holder, earning degrees from both of these prestigious institutions.

Or, how about bartending? Have you always dreamed about being a premier mixologist, but don’t know the difference between a Tom Collins and a Manhattan? Well sir, the Bartending College Online is here for you. Their comprehensive “Bartending & Mixology Training Program” (proof that appending any word with the phrase “ology” creates the illusion of high-brow academic rigor) comprises sixteen lessons, beginning with “Bar Basics” and concluding with what is likely instruction on tossing bottles and glasses behind your back, as young Tom Cruise did in the 1988 film Cocktail. . .

A solid career path available to out-of-work actors, musicians, artists and writers is dog walking. IAP Career College provides the Dog Walker Certificate Course, which includes such valuable elements as: “Planning Routes and Schedules,” “Handling, Transporting, and Supervising Dogs at Play,” “Assessing Dogs and Their Owners” and “Health, Safety, and Security.” What, no “Safely Disposing of Poop” module?

As the global economy evolves, educational institutions must adapt as well. As an example, the job title, “social media influencer” did not exist until just a few years ago. Well, aspiring influencers now have a place to garner that degree which will set them on the path to riches: South East Technological University (SETU), based in Carlow, Ireland offers a bachelor of arts degree program in Content Creation and Social Media. Apparently, SETU does not have an official mascot, but might we suggest: the “Fighting Hashtags,” or “Viral Content,” or “Digital Natives.”

Drones have become increasingly common in society today, being deployed in such applications as: aerial photography, logistics and delivery and security and surveillance activities, not to mention their deployment in wartime actions (see: Ukraine-Russia conflict). How does a budding drone operator prepare for this high-flying career (the drone, that is, the operator pretty much stays on the ground)? We’re pleased to report that there are forty-one FAA-approved colleges and universities in the United States available to help you earn your wings (again, for the drone, not for the operator).

A growing field these days is podcasting. Everybody’s doing it! Including the Rule of Three gang, having spun off a podcast, entitled Secure a Beverage, which is available here on Substack, and also on Spotify and Apple Podcasts - take a listen here to our most recent episode. . .

Now, Bill and Emily are self-taught (I know, it’s hard to believe), but, according to collegemagazine.com, there are a number of universities which now provide podcasting instruction, including at the University of Southern California (USC), which offers a podcasting minor. Geez, we thought all you needed to launch a career in podcasting was matching blue microphones.

Finally, an alternative field which might have some appeal for high school seniors is that of “budtending,” assisting customers in cannabis dispensaries. I mean, they’re likely dabbling in that space already anyway. In order to fully prepare for a career in this business, one can turn to Cannabis Training University, which offers instruction in such esoterica as: outdoor marijuana growing, indoor marijuana growing, cannabis cooking, cannabis extraction and cannabis 101 (you know, learning how to avoid buying a bag full of seeds and stems, I imagine). Upon completion of the program, the graduate can proudly display their sheepskin. . .

So, don’t feel constrained by the garden-variety degree offerings of mainstream colleges and universities. There’s a wide world out there, with endless opportunities, just waiting to capture your tuition dollars. . .including Rule of Three Weekly Humor Column Writing College, whose tagline may, or may not be “Humor is Good,” in a nod to Animal House’s fictional Faber College’s motto, depicted in the picture atop this column - we’re still workshopping it.

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