Hit Me With Your Best Shot

The art. . .and science of hurling insults.

Ed. note: Please accept our apologies, if you came here expecting either a celebration of 1980’s female rock-and-rollers (i.e. as evidenced by Pat Benatar, and her hit song, “Hit Me With Your Best Shot”), or, a roundup of National Hockey League activities (i.e. the puck, pictured above) - Rule of Three’s Column Headline, Artwork and Obfuscation Development department was hard at work this week, and we didn’t have the heart to tell them that they significantly missed the mark. Look for future columns covering those two important topics - just, you know, don’t expect to be able to see them coming, by examining the column headline and artwork.

The undisputed king of hurling insults was Don Rickles, a stand-up comedian and actor, beginning in the 1950’s, whose career can be encapsulated as, “the guy who called everybody a hockey puck.”

Rickles also palled around with Frank Sinatra; I don’t think he was considered to be a member of the famed Rat Pack, but he was certainly Rat Pack-adjacent. He was also a frequent guest on The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast in the 1970’s, the object of which was to verbally assault the “roastee” in a banquet room setting, complete with a dais of “roasters.”

A familiar taunt, when I was a youngster, back in the 1970’s (no, I was never invited to join the group of “roasters” on the dais of The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast) was, “Your mother wears army boots!” I’m not going to attempt to unpack why that was a classic insult, just as I am not going to attempt to explain why Don Rickles’ hockey puck thing was also quite a “burn,” because frankly, neither of them make sense to me now. In fact, hearing someone yell, “Your mother wears army boots” might spark a hearty round of patriotic responses, such as, “Thank you for your service,” or, “Where has she served?” or, “Has she ever played hockey?”

Well-crafted insults typically stem from identifying an individual’s perceived physical or intellectual or ethnic shortcomings, and exploit them for comedic effect. Examples might include: calling someone carrying a bit of excess weight, “Tubby”; or referring to someone with a damaged or missing right hand, “Lefty”; or declaring someone who bears absolutely no resemblance to a hockey puck, and who has never been to a hockey game and who likely wouldn’t be able to pick a hockey stick out of a police lineup (begging the question of what, exactly, a hockey stick is doing in a police lineup - was it involved in some sort of violent attack, perhaps perpetrated against Don Rickles?) a hockey puck.”

Another insult-grounded initiative was “Triumph the Insult Comic Dog,” a dog with a cigar clenched in its teeth, developed by actor/comedian/director Robert Smigel, and featured extensively on late night TV shows hosted by Conan O’Brien. I think the takeaway here is that, if provided cover by a dog with a cigar clenched in its teeth, you can get away with saying anything about anybody.

Insults have also been a hallmark of political campaigns, although such negative campaigning is properly characterized as “mudslinging.”

The current U.S. President-Elect, Donald Trump, as an example, has long engaged in the practice of anointing those he considers to be opposed to his beliefs with insulting nicknames. Some of these nicknames include: “Crooked Joe” (also, “Sleepy Joe”), “Coco Chow,” “Low IQ War Hawk,” “Crazy Hillary” (also, “Crooked Hillary” and “Lyin’ Hillary”), “Lyin’ James Comey,” “Lyin’ Ted,” “Ron DeSanctimonious,” “Birdbrain,” “Comrade Kamala” (also, “Crazy Kamala,” “Laffin’ Kamala,” “Lyin’ Kamala,” and “Kamabla”), “Peekaboo,” “Broken Old Crow,” “Governor Newscum,” “Crazy Nancy,” “Little Marco,” “Crazy Bernie,” “Shifty Schiff,” “Cryin’ Chuck,” “Deranged Jack Smith,” “Tampon Tim,” “Pocahantas,” “Little Rocket Man,” “Fredo,” “George Slopadopolus,” “Fake Tapper,” “Jeff Bozo,” and “Horseface.”

I don’t know if Trump has bestowed a nickname on late night TV show host, Jimmy Kimmel, but Kimmel has taken the opportunity to slap various nicknames on Trump, in the course of covering his public activities. In honor of Trump’s 78th birthday, Kimmel shared his “Top 78 Nicknames for Donald Trump.” This lineup includes: “Don Whoreleone,” “Napoleon Bone-Aspur,” “Commander-in-Thief,” “All Caps-tain Kangaroo,” “Teddy Dozevelt,” “Lepre-con man,” “Al Ca-porn,” “Groper Cleveland,” “Tannibal Lecter,” “General Lie-senhower,” “Quid Pro Combover,” and “Orange Baby Jesus.” You get the idea.

Now, I realize funny is in the eye of the beholder, but I find Kimmel’s lineup far more amusing, in general, than Trump’s list of nicknames. In fairness, Kimmel’s show does have a writing staff whose jobs consist of developing this content.

An insulting nickname which I believe to be quite amusing (Rule No. 3 alert!) is to be found in the classic 1999 film, Office Space. One of the characters in the movie is named Michael Bolton, coincidentally the name of a pop musician in the 1980’s, and it is clear that he is not a fan of the other Michael Bolton’s music, referring to him at one point as a “no-talent ass clown.” A classic burn!

Self-reflection is an important element of hurling insults; one must be prepared to retract an insult which doesn’t hit the mark. In Wedding Crashers, John Beckwith, played by Owen Wilson, calls his buddy, Jeremy Grey, portrayed by Vince Vaughn, a “hillbilly” and “white trash.” He later regrets this outburst, and apologizes, but, to me, the real failing is that the insults weren’t grounded in reality, and, therefore, made no sense.

In the event time travel is real, and you are invited to be a guest on The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast in the 1970’s, you’re going to want to be prepared with some venomous insults to hurl at the roastee. There are many research options available to you; by Googling “best insults to hurl,” Quora.com offers “What are some of the best insults I can say to anyone?”; Reddit.com provides “What are some creative and funny insults you can hurl at someone?”; thoughtcatalog.com shares its “180 Best Insults to Destroy Your Enemies”; and Parade.com features a piece headlined, “101 Funny Insults to Roast Friends or Frenemies.” I’m sure these sources are chock-full of solid choices for you to adopt. As you might expect, Rule of Three’s Celebrity Roast Preparation department has prepared a few (yes, three) suggested nuggets for you:

• “I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed man.”

• “You have delusions of mediocrity.”

• “I don’t know what your problem is, but I’m guessing it’s hard to pronounce.”

Now it’s your turn. Let’s turn the comments section into a reboot of The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast - let ‘em fly!

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