Quick, what time of year is it? “Ah, I know, it’s “Fall Foliage Season!” Yes, there are certainly some pretty colors to be found in many of your northern geographic areas of the United States right now, but that’s not the headline here.
“Sure, it’s “Pumpkin Spice Everything Season!” That is incorrect, and please go sit in the corner right now, and think about what you’ve done.
“Oh, I know, it’s “National Kick Your Puppy Month!” Wait, what? No, that’s not what we’re talking about here - I honestly hope that’s not a thing - and, I intend to forward your contact information to the FBI right now - you should expect a knock on your door from a team of agents dressed in windbreakers.
No, as any civic-minded American should well know (because we are being bombarded non-stop with commercials and yard signs and news coverage (including the faux variety), highlighting one candidate or the other), it’s “Election Season!” Yay!
I’m as civic-minded as the next guy, but I have very little patience for what passes for political candidates these days, from either side of the aisle; it’s not a contest. . .but, given that I currently reside in the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, clearly I win. In fact, I draw my voting inspiration from an episode of the old Mary Tyler Moore Show, in which Gavin MacLeod’s character, Murray Slaughter, said: “With councilmen, municipal judges and sewer bonds I vote the straight [eeney-meeney-miney-] moe ticket.”
As a public service, Rule of Three will endeavor, with this column, to equip you with the tools necessary to enter the voting booth in November with the confidence, grit, and determination to perform your civic responsibility to the best of your ability. . .or at least to adhere to Murray Slaughter’s advice, and get it over with quickly. (Ed. note: Wait a minute, I didn’t sign up for this. When we launched Rule of Three we agreed that any topic which satisfied Rule No. 3 was fair game, with the exception of politics, religion, and the Kardashians - I will not stand idly by, and have you alienate 50% of our readers.)
Political campaigns these days live and die by the latest poll numbers. So too, I would argue, does our standing within each of our personal ecosystems, which includes our household, our workplace, and any other group setting in which we are regular members, such as churches or synagogues or mosques, and bowling leagues, and barber shops.
As I reflect on my poll numbers during my sixty-two year (and counting) campaign, I can recall points at which my favorability rating was pretty high. I can also fairly definitively point to some historically low numbers at times.
As with JFK, during the early Camelot days, my poll numbers were pretty high in the early 1960’s. As a “cute-ish” baby and toddler in those years, it was easy to maintain those numbers; there were relatively few opportunities to soil my reputation, other than the occasional spit-up incident, or tussle with other toddlers over toy trucks, or public crying jags for no reason. My own “Bay of Pigs” and “Cuban Missile Crisis” challenges remained in the future at that point.
As our family welcomed additional children, my poll numbers no doubt slipped a bit - the new “flavor of the month,” you know. But, I believe there was no lasting damage done, and I remained “in the conversation.”
It became a different story as I became a surly teenager, and entered high school. It’s easy to pass off such “knuckleheadery” as the indiscretions of youth, as so many politicians do, but one must acknowledge the harm done to poll numbers at each point during the campaign.
I’d like to think that, as I embarked upon a professional career, and married, and began developing a young family, my favorability rating rebounded a bit, but I do recognize that my actions from time to time negatively affected those numbers. Let me be clear: there was no “gotcha’” moment, requiring me to appear on Sixty Minutes, and emphatically deny all allegations, but, leaving the toilet seat up occasionally, or neglecting to share a phone message, or missing a commuter train, did cause my poll numbers to sag from time to time.
As my own children became surly teenagers, their approval ratings predictably sagged, and you might think that dynamic would have served to boost my own poll numbers - alas, not so much.
As we became empty-nesters (except for Jeffrey, the cat), I faced relatively little competition in my home district. Yes, I wasn’t above a bit of negative campaigning in those days: “You know, it wasn’t me who left that dead bird on the doorstep. . .I’m just saying,” and “I forget, is Jeffrey allowed to sleep all day on the living room couch?”
After Jeffrey wandered off one night, never to return, I was instantly running unopposed. Again, you might think that dynamic would have served to boost my poll numbers - again, not so much.
And, inside the Beltway (you know, at the office), thanks to recent global factors in play, such as “The Great Resignation,” and “Quiet Quitting,” I have faced minimal opposition in my long-running campaign. That’s not to say there isn’t some “dark horse” candidate lurking in the weeds, but I do study the faces I see on Zoom calls closely, in order to detect those with excessive ambition - sadly, I haven’t seen that in a very long time.
I do monitor my poll numbers constantly, and suggest that you should as well. Politicians attempt to boost their numbers with attack ads, and flyers in your mailbox; jewelry, and the occasional night out (and putting the toilet seat down) might be more appropriate solutions in your quest to pump-up your approval rating.
And, I urge you to exercise your right as an American to vote in the upcoming midterm elections. Grab yourself a pumpkin-spice latte (not to drink - heavens no! They’re disgusting! But, instead, to be armed with something to splash in the face of an unwanted electioneerer (it is too a word!) as you prepare to enter the polling place); admire the beautiful fall foliage; and take Murray Slaughter’s advice, and vote the straight “Moe” ticket. Just be careful not to kick any innocent puppies in the process.
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