I Enjoy a Hearty Chuckle

Rule of Three's annual Halloween candy review.

It’s now a few days after Halloween, and you are likely experiencing post-Halloween recriminations for one of the three common afflictions endured by Americans: either you have been secretly poaching candy from your child’s trick-or-treat bag while they are sleeping; or, you have snapped up a ridiculous amount of discounted candy at Walmart, priced to sell once Halloween is past; or, you feel guilty that you turned out your porch light, and escaped to a local restaurant while trick-or-treating was occurring, crushing the dreams of youngsters in your neighborhood.

Halloween is not intended to be a “buzz-kill” - it’s supposed to be a light-hearted, fun-filled holiday. I mean, kids (and, some misguided adults) enjoy the opportunity to play dress-up and receive free candy (and, the occasional toothbrush - usually from the neighborhood dentist - otherwise, it would just be weird), while traipsing around the neighborhood, typically in the rain and cold.

So, what specific candy have you been pilfering from your child’s trick-or-treat bag after dark?

Well, if your neighborhood adhered to choices endorsed by the kitchn’s list of “The 15 Best Halloween Candies, Ranked” (By the way, what’s with losing the “e” in the word, “kitchen?” Was the website domain claimed by somebody else? Or, is this a business venture mounted by “The Weeknd,” a Canadian singer/songwriter, who similarly misplaced his “e,” but can be forgiven, because his real name is “Abel Makkonen Tesfaye,” and perhaps simply wanted something shorter - in his shoes, I would have considered adopting “Abe,” but, you know, it might not have been the vibe he was after - there are very few musicians named Abe, I believe), then you are likely contemplating one of these options:

• Nerds - topping the kitchn’s list was this candy, which is crackly, tart, fruity candy - I would have expected one of your popular chocolate candies to top the list, but Nerds has its place, I suppose.

• Twix - see, chocolate is not far behind, and, Twix is a fine choice, given that it’s a cookie draped in caramel and chocolate.

• Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups - a true classic! And, who can forget those campy TV commercials in the 1970’s featuring two people walking down the street - one eating a chocolate bar, and the other eating peanut butter from a jar - the two collide, and the first exclaims, “You got your peanut butter on my chocolate!" and the other retorts, "You got your chocolate in my peanut butter!" - they then decide that combining these two great tastes in one snack is brilliant. Boy, if I had a nickel for every occasion in which I walked down the street, clutching a jar of peanut butter, sticking my fingers into it, and then into my mouth with a big chunk of peanut butter, well, I would have in hand the net revenue derived from publishing Rule of Three during the last three years - that’s right, zero!

• Starburst - another fruity choice, with a nice mix of flavors - I approve.

• Snickers - a personal favorite, and, I’m a bit surprised that it slipped down the list to number five. When I was in my “child’s trick-or-treat bag of candy-pilfering” prime, Snickers was always the prize I was after.

• Fun-Dip - this one seems pretty unimaginative to me - it’s basically a plastic popsicle-stick that you lick and dip in a packet of sugar - alright, it brings the sugar-rush, I guess.

• Nestle Crunch - more chocolate, this time covering puffed rice, which provides the eponymous crunch - good stuff, this.

• Twizzlers - chewy bands of fruity goodness. It has always amused me that this candy is marketed as a “low-fat” snack - confirmed by the below nutrition facts label, but, Twizzlers is also pretty heavy on the sugars and the carbohydrates, yielding significant caloric intake - I know, I know, nutrition facts have no place in a column reviewing Halloween candy - my apologies for the cold, hard smack of reality.

  

• Milky Way - one of the featured performers in the chocolate bar pantheon, I’ll refrain from posting the nutritional facts tag for this one, because no one really knows what “nougat” is, and no one really wants to find out.

• Skittles - small, powerfully-flavored fruit pellets, with an “S” embossed on them - I’m not sure how they skirted a lawsuit with the creators of Superman, but they seem to have been successful.

• M&M’s - aside from the recent flap regarding a makeover provided to the green spokescandy character, whom I will call, “Green,” because that’s her name, M&M’s have charted a pretty solid run for years. I kinda’ miss Green’s go-go boots, but, I recognize that sneakers are a more sensible footwear choice for women and spokescandies alike.

• SweeTARTS - sweet and tart (which is pretty much implied in the product’s name), they’re quite popular, understandably landing on this list.

• Jolly Rancher - the first appearance on this list of a true hard candy, Jolly Ranchers are also pretty easy to like.

• Butterfinger - I’ve always felt that Butterfinger is something of an acquired taste - given a choice regarding chocolate bars, I’m much more likely to opt for a Snickers, or a Milky Way, or a Three Musketeers, which didn’t even crack the top fifteen on this list. Butterfinger does have Bart Simpson in its corner, so that’s something.

  

• Kit Kat - another entrant in the chocolate-covered cookie category, Kit Kat offers a nice crunch to the Kit Kat enthusiast.

You might notice, as I have, a few key omissions on kitchn’s Halloween candy favorites list. Chief among them are: Hershey Bar, Life Savers, Gummy Bears, Airheads, Tootsie Rolls, Dots, Swedish Fish, Sour Patch Kids, Milk Duds, Smarties, Junior Mints, Almond Joy, Mounds, Lemonheads, Dum-Dum Lollipops, Blow Pops, Dubble Bubble and Bazooka Joe chewing gum (personally, I think chewing gum doesn’t belong in the Halloween candy sweepstakes, but others do), Hershey’s Kisses, Tootsie Pops, Hot Tamales (seems like kind of a niche candy, but apparently a big seller come Halloween) and Candy Corn (a candy with very strong ties to Halloween).

Did we miss any candy favorites here? Let us know in the comments section below, and we’ll likely ignore your input.

What about the other end of the spectrum - you know, the stuff that you hated seeing in the bowl after yelling, “Trick or treat!?” Some that I would nominate are: Circus Peanuts, Bit-O-Honey, Necco Wafers and Good & Plenty. Also, homemade popcorn balls. And, toothbrushes. And, houses with the porch light turned off.

Are there other items on the trick-or-treat list for which you hold no love? We appreciate your feedback, because we’ll definitely scrub them from our list of treats to distribute to kids for next year - just kidding, we’re experiencing post-Halloween recriminations for turning off the porch light and escaping to a local restaurant while trick-or-treating was occurring, crushing the dreams of youngsters in our neighborhood.

Predictably, I do enjoy a hearty Chuckle, which has managed to avoid mention on any list researched for this piece, good or bad. It’s as if Chuckles have been permanently scrubbed from the internet - I believe it might be the work of the “Deep State.” Perhaps the U.S. House of Representatives could find the time to conduct an investigation into why Chuckles have been “disappeared,” sandwiching hearings around their currently busy schedule, which includes entertaining the expulsion of George Santos, considering the censure of Rashida Tlaib for antisemitic activity, sympathizing with terrorist organizations, and leading an insurrection at the United States Capitol Complex, and considering the censure of Marjorie Taylor Greene (presumably for just, you know, being a uniquely offensive person). You think I’m making this stuff up? These issues are included in a list of “Items that may be considered,” on the current week’s docket, housed on an official House of Representatives website.

Regardless, in my opinion, Chuckles are quite tasty - chewy, but not painfully so; and, you get five unique flavors in each package - delightful, all the way around. Just, you know, don’t share my beliefs with anybody - I don’t need the weaponized DOJ sniffing around my business.

I only hope that, when you’re reaching into your child’s trick-or-treat bag to retrieve a treat, you don’t wind up with a Bit-O-Honey, or a toothbrush, or your fingers caught in a mousetrap - that sounds like something Bart Simpson would do to protect his stash.

I would suggest that you might be fortunate enough to retrieve a sleeve of Chuckles from your child's trick-or-treat bag, but we both know that the "Deep State" has engineered the complete eradication of Chuckles - it's as if they never existed.  You won't have that problem with Rule of Three - simply click the button here to subscribe now, and it'll be there in your inbox, every Saturday. . .and, it's free!