I Heart "Insert Name of City Here"
A guide to successfully shifting your civic allegiance - part three of a three-part series.
The third, and final, installment in a series of columns about living in certain metropolitan areas of the United States.
As a reminder:
I believe that the identity of a metropolitan area is best defined by three critical components:
Food - this category includes both dining out and what people cook at home.
Sports - professional (and college, and other) sports teams operating in a city provide an opportunity for residents to become quite passionate about their local teams (and, as it is inseparable from sports, their local beers).
Other Attractions - each city possesses its own civic “treasures” which help to reinforce its unique brand (I know what you’re thinking: Wait a minute - this third “catch-all” category is really just a cop-out, which enables you to adhere to your ridiculous “Rule of Three” - what about its music scene, nightlife, business environment, city motto, local celebrities, official city bird, official city flower. . .? First of all, I’m pretty sure there’s no such thing as an official city bird, or official city flower - those are state things, so get off your high-horse; secondly. . .my column, my rules!)
The second column in this award-winning series ended with a brief stay in “Sun City”: beautiful El Paso. This final piece of the puzzle returns us to the not-so-sunny midwest, in the form of Toledo, Ohio. Have you ever seen the old TV sitcom, “M*A*S*H*”? (By the way, what’s the deal with the asterisks? Is there some question regarding the authenticity of the sitcom, similar to Roger Maris’ sixty-one home runs? Is our alphabet itself being called on the carpet here?) Well then, you know virtually everything there is to know about Toledo. The character played by Jamie Farr, Corporal Max Klinger, was a Toledo native, and constantly raved about Toledo things near and dear to his heart: Tony Packo’s and the Mud Hens. And, given the Korean War setting, there were Jeeps, too; that’s right: made in Toledo Jeeps. Farr is a Lebanese-American native of Toledo, and both Tony Packo’s and the Mud Hens actually exist.
Toledo
Food
Jamie Farr is not the only Lebanese-American living in Toledo - there is a sizable segment of that ethnic group in Toledo; hence, the presence of some great Lebanese restaurants, including, “Beirut,” owned by Labib Hajjar, and some other family members; that same family owns a couple of other restaurants, “Byblos,” and “Poco Piatti” - all well worth a visit.
The aforementioned Tony Packo’s is also a landmark in Toledo, serving up Hungarian-style hot dogs, and fried pickles to locals, and celebrities alike; the celebrities are asked to sign hot dog buns, which are then framed, and hung on the wall, like hunting trophies. Wait, you just buzzed right past “fried pickles,” by diverting our attention to some sort of strange celebrity hot dog bun ritual - what’s with the fried pickles? I’m glad you asked, my friend. Unleashing the unlimited power of my crack research team (you know, I Googled, “Tony Packo’s fried pickles”), I came up completely empty. There’s likely some wonderful origin story about how Tony Packo’s fried pickles came to be (perhaps, “Tony tripped over the mop left sprawled on the floor by his good-for-nothing cousin, Bobby, as he was carrying a plate of freshly-cut pickles to the hot dog prep-station, inadvertently tossing them into the air, and helplessly watching them tumble into the fryer; Tony thought, ‘That friggin’ idiot, Bobby, I should fire his lazy ass, but then Uncle Louie would never forgive me, and, you know, Louie seems connected, and the next thing you know, I’ve got a broken nose, and my health insurance may not cover all of the cost to fix it, and, while I’m out getting it fixed, who’s running the business. . .but, hmm. . .I wonder what will happen if I wait three-to-five minutes, and then retrieve the pickles from the fryer, and serve them to hungry and willing customers - this could be just the thing for us!’”), but no one has yet chronicled that tale.
There are steakhouses in every city in America, but Mancy’s Steakhouse, in Toledo, which was founded in 1921, and is still family-run, is simply one of the best around.
Sports
Toledo lacks professional sports teams in any of the four major American sports, but the iconic Mud Hens have occupied the hearts and minds of Toledoans for a very long time.
The Mud Hens, a Triple-A affiliate of the Detroit Tigers, moved into a downtown-based ballpark in 2002, which is a beautiful, inexpensive, and convenient setting for some pretty good (almost major league) baseball; my favorite part of the park is the sculpture, entitled, “Who’s Up",” designed by Emanuel Enriques, incorporated into the fence around the ballpark outside right field, and which features a group of youngsters peeking through a knothole in the fence to see the game.
A minor league hockey team also plays in Toledo: the “Walleye,” named for one of the fish abundant in nearby Lake Erie; perch are also hooked regularly in Lake Erie, and served up in restaurants around town.
Although Detroit and Ann Arbor are much closer to Toledo than either Columbus or Cleveland, most Toledoans’ professional sports fansmanship (Ed. note: made-up name alert) is misguidedly directed toward Cleveland’s Browns, Indians, and Cavaliers; and Columbus’ Ohio State football team, rather than the much closer geographically, Michigan Wolverines, and Detroit’s Lions, Tigers, and Pistons - there’s no accounting for taste. I suppose blood is thicker than water, and arbitrary state lines are more meaningful than mere geographic proximity. In fact, the “Toledo Strip” was a hotly-contested piece of geography back in the 1830’s, with both Ohio and Michigan laying claim to it. Ohio ended up with it, and Michigan was awarded the Upper Peninsula (U.P.) as a consolation prize; I’ll let you be the judge regarding which state got the short-end of the stick on that deal.
Other Attractions
Toledo has all the trappings of a much-larger city, including crime, poverty, and corrupt government officials. Ha ha! Just kidding - although Toledo certainly has all of those things, they also have:
a world-class art museum - the Toledo Museum of Art.
a terrific zoo - the Toledo Zoo and Aquarium - relatively new home to a seventeen-foot-long, saltwater crocodile, imported from Australia, who spent his time there devouring cattle - youch!
a wonderful, hands-on discovery-center type museum for kids (and, big kids, too) - Imagination Station.
a fabulous symphony orchestra - the Toledo Toledo Symphony Orchestra, of which I am an esteemed alumnus. Perhaps I should explain. Several years ago, the orchestra provided a “Pro-Am” opportunity, similar to professional golf tournaments, in which players are paired with professionals to play a round of golf. Only in this case, we (the “Ams”) were placed on stage at the beautiful Peristyle Theater, at the Toledo Museum of Art, and allowed to perform with the orchestra, then under the baton of Stefan Sanderling, who led the orchestra to its only Carnegie Hall appearance, in 2011. Maestro Sanderling provided feedback to the “Ams,” with his heavily German accent, during our two rehearsals, which usually began, “That was absolutely perfect. . .beautiful. . .just a couple of tiny little things. . .” And then he proceeded to criticize every single thing we had done, including our clothes. I’m kidding, he was quite gracious to us; but, you could tell he was quite a taskmaster. He also suggested to the “Ams” that it was perfectly acceptable to sit out a few notes, or musical phrases, if we lacked confidence in our ability to play them perfectly; in essence, he was asking us to “take a dive”. . .you know, for the good of the team.
And, in the interest of full disclosure, we should discuss the elephant in the room - no, not the elephants lumbering around at the zoo - rather, the algal bloom, which appears every summer in Lake Erie, and is concentrated near the drinking water intake crib for Toledo. It’s perhaps not the bright florescent-green color which Chicagoans enjoy every St. Patrick’s Day on the Chicago River, but it doesn’t disappear as quickly as that does, either. A few years ago, city residents were advised not to even wash dishes, or bathe, using that water - ewwww!
From Toledo, it’s now time to travel eastward, to the confluence of three rivers: the Allegheny, the Monongahela, and the mighty Ohio river: Pittsburgh; here’s hoping those rivers don’t sport that same yucky green color!
Pittsburgh
Food
Primanti Bros. is a classic Pittsburgh-based restaurant, which serves hearty corned beef and pastrami sandwiches on the whitest bread ever created, and includes coleslaw and french fries on the sandwich itself.
And, the presence of french fries is not limited to sandwiches in Pittsburgh - a “Pittsburgh salad” is one that includes french fries in the salad - that’s right, french fries in the salad. I wouldn’t be at all surprised to discover that a “Pittsburgh apple pie” includes french fries baked right in.
A well-known longtime Pittsburgh-based company is Heinz, which produces many different food products, including pickles. Pittsburgh features many pickle-themed events and products, including beer, street festivals, colas, tchotchkes (that’s, “stuff” to the layperson), and self-driving cars - I’m kidding about the self-driving pickle car - that’s patently absurd. . .no self-respecting automobile manufacturer would ever produce a green car. Heinz merged with Kraft several years ago, and “Kraft Heinz” is now co-headquartered in Pittsburgh and Chicago; what could go wrong with that? I think the first two big decisions made by this merged organization - what to call the new company; and where to locate its headquarters each reflect well-reasoned, sound, clear decision-making.
Sports
Pittsburgh’s sports franchises reflect all the colors of the rainbow: black and gold. At least it makes supporting its professional teams easy, from a wardrobe standpoint. Those teams include:
Baseball (Pirates) - the (black and gold) Pirates have been pretty weak for a number of years, although they have enjoyed success at various points back in time. And, the Pirates can boast some truly special ballplayers, and historic moments, including Roberto Clemente, Willie Stargell, and Bill Mazeroski’s (“Maz’s”) walk-off home-run in the ninth inning of game seven of the 1960 World Series to beat the Yankees. Statues sprinkled around the outside of PNC Park include statues of: “Maz”, Clemente, Stargell, and Honus Wagner (pronounced, “Hon-us”, rather than “Hone-us”, which is important if you find yourself bidding on the most valuable baseball card ever, Wagner’s 1909 card published by a cigarette maker, and the reason Wagner asked that distribution of the card be curtailed, inadvertently creating huge market demand; the most recent sale of one of these cards was just a couple of days ago, for $3.25 million - that Honus was crazy like a fox, eh? Although, in fairness Honus has not benefited from any of these sales), a collection which severely violates the “Rule of Three”. But, which one of these four would you yank?
Football (Steelers) - the Steelers (also, you guessed it, black and gold) have had a hand in anointing the city with one of its top nicknames, “City of Champions,” owing to the Steelers winning a bunch of Super Bowl titles in the 1970’s. Another key moment remembered fondly by Pittsburghers is, “The Immaculate Reception",” a ridiculous ricochet catch by Franco Harris, enabling a win over the Oakland Raiders in the 1972 AFC divisional playoff game. Franco’s catch is immortalized by a monument at the exact spot of the catch, in Pittsburgh’s North Shore, and by a statue at the Pittsburgh International Airport. Pittsburgh takes its sports icons seriously.
Hockey (Penguins) - the Penguins sport black and gold sweaters (why do they call them sweaters? I can’t envision anyone’s grandmother knitting a Penguins jersey, by the fire), and play their home games at PPG Paints Arena, the brightest sports stadium I’ve ever set foot inside. Hockey is big in Pittsburgh, so please don’t tell anybody that I’m only a lukewarm, occasional fan of any brand of hockey - I need to maintain my “street cred” on this front.
As for beers, “Iron City” is a local beer, which has been around for a very long time, but I never see anybody drinking one, or ordering one in a bar; it’s probably one of those nostalgia things, which is better viewed in the rear-view mirror.
Other Attractions
Pittsburgh is also known as the “City of Bridges” - a well-earned title, in that, with 446 bridges, it outpaces another city known for its bridges: Venice. And not all of them are black and gold; although a couple of them are.
“Steel City” is another nickname owned by Pittsburgh, which, even though memorialized by its NFL football team, is not one that locals wish to perpetuate, due to the “rough patch” encountered by the industry some years back. The city has executed a pretty effective pivot, and now hosts a number of new technology companies, and self-driving cars in its business community. And, as a public service, I’d like to dispel the scurrilous rumor that self-driving cars developed in Pittsburgh are programmed to frequently execute the “Pittsburgh Left,” a maneuver in which the motorist at the head of the line at a red light performs a left turn right when the light turns green, before the motorists directly across the intersection who intend to drive straight through the intersection can proceed, as is the custom (and the law) in every other city in North America.
A grand tradition at Steelers games is the waving of the “Terrible Towel,” which debuted in 1975, and is available with, you guessed it, two colors: black and gold. I’ve got one in my home, and it would probably be quite useful around the house in mopping up spills and whatnot, but don’t ever suggest that to a Steelers fan - I learned that lesson the hard way.
As you know, Pittsburgh is also known as the home of “Three Rivers”: the Allegheny, Monongahela, and the Ohio rivers - I suppose it’s predictable that I would be fascinated with that aspect of my current hometown. In fact, I’m sure my fellow Pittsburghers will instantly recognize the similarities between the view of “The Point” in downtown Pittsburgh, and the view from my driveway