I Think I Need a Tattoo

"WWDBD" ("What would Dave Barry do")?

For much of recorded history, tattoos were the province of marines, outlaw bikers and prison inmates. These days, it seems, tattoos have become ubiquitous.

That’s right, tattoos are everywhere, being prominently featured by basketball players (NBA and college alike, and probably in high school now, and I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that grade schoolers are sporting them also); chefs; and musical performers.

Being the ever-curious types, we here at Rule of Three have wondered (aloud): What other cohorts are impacted by this tattoo wave? Do award-winning humor columnists need to secure a tattoo? Relax, I’m not talking about me; I’m thinking more about my Substack colleague, Dave Barry, who was a longtime syndicated humor columnist, while with the Miami Herald, and who was awarded an actual Pulitzer Prize in 1988, and has no doubt garnered other awards along the way. Barry recently launched a column on Substack, to which I have subscribed (although as a free subscriber - I mean, I have long admired Dave Barry’s writing, but, you know, $50.00 a year is a lot to ask for maybe one column per week about (according to Barry’s introductory column) scary things showing up in people’s toilets).

Now I don’t know Dave personally, but, as I pointed out I am one of his free subscribers, and a fellow humor column Substacker to boot. So, I think he would probably appreciate Rule of Three performing exhaustive research on his behalf, should he desire to “take the plunge” and ink himself up, assuming he’s not already tatted up.

When considering a tattoo, I imagine that the critical decision-points are the “what” and the “where” elements - i.e. what artwork (or words) would you like to have tattooed on your body and where exactly on your body will the tattoo be placed.

As to the artwork, hola.com (perhaps the ultimate authority on tattoo trends, perhaps not) reports that the most popular tattoos in the U.S. (in order of popularity) are: butterfly, rose, dragon, flower, snake, traditional, lion, matching (I suppose that means you feature the same tattoo as your significant other, which, if I can be frank with you here, is fraught with challenges, mostly relating to the extremely short life-expectancy of relationships), skull, tribal, minimalist and moon artwork.

Now I don’t think “traditional” means that you ink that particular word on a part of your body - that doesn’t make any sense, man! But, I must confess that I don’t know what a traditional tattoo might be - please feel free to weigh-in in the comments section below - we could use the help. I think my favorite from hola.com’s list is the minimalist tattoo - I envision that one to simply be a microscopic dot placed strategically on one’s body; that way, you could say, “Hey, wanna’ see my cool tattoo?” And, when your friend says, “Where? I don’t see anything,” you can pull out a magnifying glass and highlight the tiny little dot for them. That’s a far cry from the anchor tattoos Popeye sported on each of his massive forearms or the “Mother” tattoos which were popular in olden times (you know, before Instagram).

We next turned to newbeauty.com (which might also be the ultimate authority on tattoo trends, but, then again, maybe not) regarding placement of tattoos on the human body. Their research revealed that 63% of tattoos are located on the arm; the wrist features 37% of all tattoos; the upper back and chest areas appear third and 4th, respectively, on the list; as a professional accountant, I immediately spotted the problem with this information: the first two locations account for a combined 100% of all tattoos placed, leaving precious little room for the next two contenders for body artwork. This math wrinkle caused us to (reluctantly, because, you know, our marketing research team’s time is valuable) conduct a bit more research, and, boy. are we glad we did, because, by visiting tattooing101.com, we learned that “. . .it’s best to pick a location that matches the size of your design.” In other words, if your chosen tattoo design is relatively small (or, even minimalist), the wrist or the space behind the ear might be right for you; whereas a large design containing many different art elements is better placed on your back or upper arm.

Some things we learned about tattoos along the way. . .

Be careful about how many colors you toss into the mix - this guy’s collection reads like a graphic novel. . .

I think this guy misunderstood the concept of “six-pack abs”. . .

I hope this guy secured a sponsorship deal from Monster Energy - he went to great pains to promote their product. . .

This woman apparently couldn’t find cat eye glasses to purchase, so she had them installed in ink. . .

I’m not sure this guy understands how beer is served - it’s either served in a bottle or it’s poured into a glass from a tap - c’mon, man!. . .

I believe this is a new D-1 college athlete, taking advantage of the many sponsorship opportunities made available to him by the new NIL guidelines. . .

And then there’s Pete Davidson, a former Saturday Night Live performer, who had amassed around 200 tattoos, before deciding to have them removed - apparently, a very painful, costly and time-consuming process. Here’s Pete, pre-removal, flying the tattoo colors. . .

So, Dave Barry, I hope you appreciate the hard work put in by the Rule of Three research team, which will be useful to you as you make that difficult decision regarding what tattoo to place on what part of your body. My personal suggestion: Have the phrase, “I’m not making this up” tattooed along your arm - it’s an integral component of your brand, and might help you sell some books; it might also serve to drive subscriber gains of your Substack column, because, you know, $50.00 per year is a lot to ask for maybe one column per week about (according to your introductory column) scary things showing up in people’s toilets).

And, even though Dave Barry has earned one more Pulitzer Prize than I have, I still consider myself to be a member in good standing in the Substack humor columnist fraternity. And, I’ve already chosen the artwork to be used for my tattoo. . .

Now, the only decision that remains for me is where on my body to place this tattoo. I’m leaning towards the wrist, but I’m willing to listen to reason, if there’s a better option. Because, once the ink is applied, like our friend Scotty P. (a character featured in the film We’re the Millers), pictured atop this column, I want to have “No Ragrets.”

A subscription to Rule of Three does not come with a free Rule of Three tattoo, but, if you are so moved to have one applied, that would certainly be a nice gesture - simply type your email address and click the button below to subscribe now - it's free, man!