I'm Dreaming of a Pumpkin-Spice Labor Day
Retailers are gerrymandering the calendar for fun. . .and profit.
I’m not necessarily opposed to the pumpkin-spicing of America. Actually, I am opposed, perhaps because I’ve never been a fan of pumpkins. Oh, I’ll half-heartedly eat a piece of pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving, because it seems seasonally correct. But this matter of developing pumpkin-spice flavored “everything” has gotten quite out of hand. Pumpkin-spice lattes, pumpkin-spice muffins, pumpkin-spice beer, pumpkin-spice mufflers (alright, I made up that last one, but would you really be surprised if Midas Muffler offered a special pumpkin-spice muffler deal?
For the record, I’m not on board with bananas, or marshmallows, either; maybe it’s the texture of these foods which bothers me. I’m the only guy huddled around the campfire, making s’mores, sans marshmallows. Purists will disagree with my stance, but, hey - slap a Hershey bar on a graham-cracker, and you’re good to go, no? And, bananas? I know they’re full of Potassium, and Potassium is probably good for you, blah, blah, blah, but I just don’t like them.
Carving pumpkins was never one of my favorite activities with the kids - that stuff inside pumpkins is disgusting! And, the whole trick-or-treat thing in the neighborhood - meh! Although, the guys with the beer-wagon had the right idea. But, Halloween, like it or not, ranks very highly in the holiday stratosphere, particularly with the youngsters. . .and, in my opinion, with creepy adults.
The league-leader is Christmas, which, no surprise to any of us, leads the hit parade with an estimated $630.5 billion in sales generated. Thanksgiving checks-in at number two in this random chart of holidays which I discovered on a Wikipedia page, but, get this, its retail spending is rolled into the $630.5 billion tagged to Christmas spending; it doesn’t even rate its own category. It really doesn’t matter what day Christmas appears on the Gregorian Calendar (I always thought it was the Julian Calendar we used here in the United States, but it turns out we have used the Gregorian one since 1752, when we lost eleven days in switching to it from the Julian Calendar - I wonder what would have happened during that eleven-day stretch - as it was, 1752 was the year Benjamin Franklin conducted his famous kite experiment - just think what might have happened, had Franklin had eleven more days to work with; the “Gregorian chant” is also something that leaps to mind when one reflects upon the legacy of St. Gregory I, who was pope from the years 590 to 604 - I don’t think fire had been invented yet then, so the faithful didn’t stand out in the rain in St. Peter’s Square in the Vatican City, waiting to see the puff of smoke arising from the chimney on top of the Sistine Chapel, indicating the selection of a new pope; perhaps there was chanting back in 1752, as those eleven days were discarded), or what day Thanksgiving appears, retailers have typically declared October to be the beginning of the Christmas (with Thanksgiving embedded) season of spending.
There is a huge drop in spending down to the third holiday on this Wikipedia chart - Mother’s Day - down to $19.9 billion in spending. Mothers everywhere are provided breakfast in bed, consisting of burned toast and runny eggs, and hand-drawn “Happy Mother’s Day” cards, with pictures of the entire family, including the dog, Barney, but curiously lacking Dad - you know, the guy who enjoys that tiny little section of the bedroom closet for his clothes. Still, $19.9 billion buys a lot of flowers and Hallmark cards (for those opting for the “Barney-free” card option). May is where Mother’s Day lands on the calendar, but in “Retailer-World,” high-tide is probably March.
Easter is next on the list, checking-in with $16.4 billion in spending, which is devoted mostly to spending on chocolates and stuffed bunnies. Eggs are also a key element of Easter, although not the runny kind featured on Mother’s Day - hard-boiled is the proper way to go. A show of hands, how many of you have discovered Easter eggs hidden under the couch two months after its official date in late March, or April? Yechh!
The Fourth of July is tagged next on the list, and is credited with $68.0 billion in spending, although the asterisk attached indicates that the spending amount includes “Back to School” spending. It seems a little silly to me to bundle spending on new sneakers and notebooks with that invested in bratwurst and fireworks; ironic that this back to school-linked holiday is celebrated as kids are just finishing their old school year in May and June.
Father’s Day appears in this ridiculous list just ahead of Halloween, and is credited with $12.7 billion in spending, whereas Halloween garners a mere $6.9 billion. I simply don’t believe those figures - where are the fact-checkers when you need them? Yes, I’ve received some lovely neckties as gifts on Father’s Day, but my biggest challenge is finding space in that tiny little section I’m allocated in the bedroom closet to house them. And, $6.9 billion for Halloween? I think my neighborhood alone has spent more than that on pumpkins, skeletons, “fun-size” candy bars, and Anthony Fauci costumes. . .in August!
The remainder of the top-ten list is occupied by: Valentine’s Day, Saint Patrick’s Day, and New Year’s Day (whose spending is also predictably absorbed in the $630.5 billion Christmas season spending). Valentine’s Day is awarded a respectable, $18.9 billion in retail spending, so for those of you who lament the loss of love in our country, I direct your attention to this meaningful statistic. You can’t buy happiness, but apparently love is for sale (Ed. note: The song, Love for Sale, was penned by Cole Porter, for the musical, The New Yorkers, in 1930, and I will neglect to point out that the song is sung by a prostitute advertising her wares, because that spin really doesn’t support my narrative).
Given retailers’ manipulation of our calendar for their own nefarious purposes, I don’t blame you for any lack of comprehension regarding to what date a particular holiday is anchored - obfuscation appears to be the primary tactic in the battle for consumer spending.
There is one place which is absolutely faithful to holidays being properly tethered to their appropriate dates on the calendar: the “National Day Calendar,” which can be found at: nationaldaycalendar.com. As an example, by visiting that website just now, I was able to learn that today features not one, but, you guessed it, THREE, declared days. Today (October 24, 2020) is:
National Bologna Day
National Food Day (why do we need a “National Bologna Day” when the same day is “National Food Day”? Shouldn’t it be included, much like Thanksgiving is unceremoniously rolled into Christmas? It kinda’ confirms a long-standing suspicion that bologna is not really food)
United Nations Day
Naturally, I was delighted by the “three-ness” of my research. So, I was compelled to peek to see what lies ahead for us tomorrow, and the next day. Imagine my disappointment to learn that tomorrow includes four declared days:
National Mother-In-Law Day (Hallmark must have a card for that)
Sourest Day (surely, a playful poke at “Sweetest Day”)
Chucky, the Notorious Killer Doll Day (I love that this one requires extra color commentary)
National Greasy Foods Day (in the U.S., that’s pretty much every day - my recommendation is to celebrate with an outing to “Five Guys” for burgers and fries)
And, the day after that includes six declared days, including an ominous one for this column, which will become self-evident - that day (October 26, 2020) is declared:
National Mule Day
National Tennessee Day
National Pumpkin Day (!)
National Mincemeat Day
National Day of the Deployed
National Financial Crime Fighter Day
With that, I’d like to extend to you my sincerest wishes to you for a “Happy Bologna Day"!”