Laughing All the Way Bank & Trust Co.
Playful business names need not be limited to: hair salons; dog groomers; and hot dog joints.
The prevailing wisdom has been that adopting a “cutesy,” pun-derived name is acceptable for a business such as a hair salon, or a dog groomer, or, perhaps a hot dog joint. Hair salons, in particular, it seems to me, have declared open season on such monikers. Some of the more amusing names I have seen (and, in fairness, I’m relying on my feeble memory here, so some of these may only exist in my imagination):
Hair Affair - perhaps this name is intended to spark an air of adventure and clandestine activities - I mean, it’s hair, for Chrissake!
Mane Event - conjures images of horses, no? I’m not sure that’s appropriate for anyone but Fabio, that male model back in the 1980’s and 1990’s who appeared on bunches of romance novel covers (no, I didn’t read those books, but I know things).
Lox - I suspect this establishment adheres to strict Orthodox protocols?
The Cutting Room - I envision screening classic films such as, Casablanca, and Citizen Kane, whilst getting my hair cut.
Do’s - while there certainly are, ‘do’s, I’ve seen just as many “don’ts,” when it comes to hair styling.
Head Games Style Team - Whoa! Don’t mess with my head, man!
Great Head Hair Salon - an alternate spin on use of the word, “head” - if I’m law enforcement, I’d keep a close eye on this place, and watch closely for patrons who appear to have received a “Happy Haircut.”
The Best Little Hair House - all this time, I was visiting hair salons simply to get my hair cut - who knew other services were being provided?
Curl Up & Dye - this one’s a bit dark, no?
Hairport - ready for takeoff.
Bad Hair Day - I think these guys should have been a bit more specific with their branding - perhaps “Bad Hair Day Elimination,” or “Prevent Bad Hair Day” - I mean, I’m quite capable of mounting a bad hair day all on my own, without visiting a hair salon.
Shear Madness - apparently, this hit play was actually set in a hair salon, and aimed to solve a murder, with significant input from audience-members; I’m not sure this is the way to grow a respectable business - aligning yourself with an unfortunate event - I picture manufacturers of horned fur hats highlighting the “Capitol Insurrection Q Shaman” connection in their marketing materials, and realizing disappointing sales results.
Ace of Fades - cute, but perhaps a bit too “niche-y?”
As for dog groomers and hot dog joints, given the common thread they each share (you know, “dogs”), you might encounter similar names for these businesses, which could create confusion for you regarding whether to bring along your dog, or your appetite. These names have included:
Pup in the Tub - if you guessed dog-groomer, you’re right! That one could have gone either way (you know, if the hot dog were served in a curved, cardboard receptacle).
Mustard’s Last Stand - there are likely hundreds of hot dog joints sporting this name, which requires at least a passing familiarity with American history to understand the pun.
Laundromutt - now, this is an idea I can get behind - going to a laundromat, and stuffing the dog into a washing machine, although the ASPCA might have an issue with that scenario.
Doggy Bath & Biscuit - hopefully, these two activities are conducted separately; I learned this lesson myself the hard way.
Shampooch - this one is adorable, right?
Clippendale’s Pet Grooming - a play on the name, “Chippendales,” which was a troupe of male strippers - appropriate if you’re planning on sending your dog out into the streets in search of bitches (hey, I meant no offense - a bitch is a female dog).
Show Dogs - this one is actually a hot dog joint name, but it could’ve just as easily been a dog groomer.
Junkyard Dogs - again, a hot dog joint - you see how easily interchangeable these names are?
The Savage Weiner - alright, I’ll grant you that this one wouldn’t work very well as the name of a dog grooming business, but I would argue that it’s pretty distasteful as the name of a hot dog joint as well.
Fatso’s Last Stand - perhaps this one was named after General George Custer’s slightly-lesser-known, younger brother - one who may not have sported George’s, long, flowing, curly, blonde locks (like Fabio, right?), and who may have struggled with controlling his weight - but, that’s no cause for name-calling - bullying is real, and needs to be stopped.
Dog in the Park - this is a dog’s natural habitat, right? Except when it’s a hot dog. I’m curious as to whether this joint is located within a park setting, or adjacent to a park, or if they are simply encouraging you to buy a hot dog, and then walk to a park to eat it - so many questions.
We Let the Dogs Out - if only the Baha Men had known about this place back in 2000, we all could have been spared their silly, Top 40, disposable song.
Award Weiners - another one using the word, “weiner,” but this one seems a little less creepy.
It occurs to me that, much like the longtime, “unofficial” ban on black players in baseball’s major leagues, until Jackie Robinson’s ascension, there has been a gentleman’s agreement that, while such playful business names detailed above have been deemed acceptable for the types of businesses discussed there, an extension of such a courtesy has not been provided to other, more staid businesses, such as: banks, churches, and funeral homes. Hmm. . .how might that look?
Editor’s note: We advised Mr. Southern that exploring this theoretical topic further would likely offend sensitive readers, what with the potential blasphemy and all, but he persisted against our stern warnings.
Let’s begin with banking, one of America’s most venerated institutions (most of the time), and which has fostered a tremendous sense of trust and confidence for many years. Words like, “trust,” and “fidelity,” and “commonwealth,” are baked right there in the names of banks. I’ve telegraphed one of my renaming suggestions, in the title of this column, but here is my complete list of three suggestions:
Laughing All the Way Bank & Trust Company - when someone is “laughing all the way to the bank,” they are enjoying themselves, while benefiting financially - how great is that? Usually, I deploy my naming talents in the arena of naming bands - i.e. “That would be a great name for a band!” But, let’s face it, this name would not be a great name for a band. But, it would be a great name for a bank!
Willie Sutton’s Bank - now, you may not be struck by this suggestion, but, believe me, it’s quite clever. Willie Sutton was a bank robber active in the 1930’s (he was less active in the years that followed until his death in 1980, because much of that time was spent in prison), who responded (perhaps apocryphally) to the question posed to him by a reporter, “Willie, why do you rob banks,” with, “Because that’s where the money is.” I wish today’s politicians could answer a question with such brute honesty. The promotional copy writes itself: "Why bank with Willie Sutton’s Bank? Because that’s where the money is.”
Piggy Bank - this one is a little too obvious, perhaps, but consider its marketing implications when it comes to appealing to young people - an old marketing maxim (which may or may not actually exist) is, “Get ‘em hooked while they’re young, and you’ll have customers for life.” Plus, pivoting away from providing free toasters to new banking customers to, you guessed it, piggy banks, is a natural evolutionary step for ‘Piggy Bank’ (“What’s that?” you say, you never heard of a bank providing a free toaster to a new banking customer? Well, clearly, you weren’t around in the Ike days (the 1950’s), when times were simpler, and online banking wasn’t “a thing.”
As for churches, how about:
A Pew Good Men - many current churchgoers “. . .can’t handle the truth!” right now - perhaps this rebranded church could set them straight.
Gladly, the Cross-Eyed Bear Church - don’t tell me you haven’t heard this old joke - a youngster leaving church services with his parents wonders aloud about the vision-impaired bear they had just sung about in church, while singing the hymn, “Gladly, the Cross I’d Bear.” No, I didn’t create this painful pun - I’m simply reporting it.
First Church of Dog - finally, a house of worship designed for those dyslexic believers. And, it has the added benefit of offering a place for dog-lovers to feel a sense of belonging. There might even be natural tie-ins with dog groomers and hot dog joints. (Ed. note: You see, this is what we were concerned about - this section appears to poke fun at organized religion, and our legal team is simply not prepared to battle the inevitable blowback).
And, finally, let’s reveal our naming suggestions for funeral homes:
Well-Urned Rest Memorial Services - the trend in the ultimate disposition of dead bodies has shifted lately to cremation, rather than burial. This suggestion highlights the final resting-place for many “clients” these days.
Six Feet Under (Social Distancing) Funeral Home - oh, come on, I can’t be the only one to recognize the equivalence of the current pandemic-prompted, social distance recommendation of six feet with the longstanding standard of burying dead bodies six feet deep.
Great Headstone Memorials - again, for those law enforcement agencies out there, and allow me to suggest that I use this phrase with great reluctance, because I know that it’s just plain wrong, they should be on the lookout for “Happy Endings.”
I’m sure you can think of other business segments which have resisted the urge to deploy playful branding - feel free to let your imagination run wild; just make sure you ignore the advice of your editors as you prepare to share them. (Ed. note: Again, allow me to point out that this piece was published without our blessing.)