Let's Go To the Circus

Clever euphemisms for when dogs 'do their business.'

Ed. note: The following exchange may, or may not have taken place between the Rule of Three columnist and his mother-in-law, some years ago.

Mother-in-law: “Alright, let’s go to the circus.”

Columnist (excited at the prospect of going to the circus): “You’ve got tickets for the circus? I can have the kids ready to go in ten minutes.”

Mother-in-law (chuckling): “No, that’s just what we say to the dog, when it’s time for him to go outside and do his business.”

Columnist (disappointed): “What? You mean we’re not actually going to the circus?”

Mother-in-law: “Sorry. I think I’ve got some animal crackers in the cupboard, though.”

Columnist (growing irritated): “Animal crackers? Is the circus even in town right now?”

Our household is between dogs at the moment, so I can’t recall if we crafted euphemisms to prepare our dogs to go outside to do their business. I think if we had, they would have been less nebulous - something along the lines of, “Hey, let’s go out and take a crap now,” or “Time to pee.” Also, I don’t remember if “Go to the circus” involved No.1 or No. 2 - judging by the shovel wielded by the circus worker above I’d have to guess No. 2 (no, not Rule of Three’s No. 2 - the “Don’t be a douchebag” one - the other No. 2). By the way, the circus used to be a lot more fun when elephants and lions and tigers were a part of the show - thanks a lot, PETA! Thanks also for destroying the fur coat business. But, getting back to canine bodily functions, I’m pretty sure my mother-in-law had developed distinct phrases for each activity - I simply don’t remember what the other one was.

How about you, dedicated readers who are not currently between dogs at the moment? Do you utilize cutesy phrases when preparing your dog to go outside and do its business, as my mother-in-law did? We’d love to hear from you, in the comments section below. If your soundbite is more adorable than “Let’s Go To the Circus,” perhaps the Rule of Three editing team will consider revising this column’s headline, as it finds its way to the archives. As an aside, the archives have been known, forever, in the newspaper business, as “the morgue” - ironic, no? You know, considering the challenges currently faced by the newspaper business.

But I believe that, just because we’re between dogs at the moment, that shouldn’t disqualify me from offering helpful advice to those who might be seeking a catchphrase or two to attach to their canine companion’s bodily functions, particularly if such advice might amuse me.

Herewith are some suggestions:

• “Time for the quarterly earnings call” - inspired by those who refer to a dog’s performing bodily functions as “doing its business,” this phrase adapts a familiar activity of a publicly-held business for canine use.

• “Let’s climb Mt. Everest” - I know some dogs appear to view going outside as a challenge, and struggle to get the job done quickly, or at least quickly enough to satisfy their owners - much like climbing Everest.

• “Do it on the paper” - on the face of it, this one seems suited for those small dogs who are allowed, on occasion, to complete their task indoors, perhaps on a newspaper retrieved from the morgue - maybe if it’s raining outside. But, if the dog begins to associate the command with a specific result, perhaps the location is agnostic.

• “Bring home the bacon” - some dog owners treat the accomplishment of these simple tasks as an event worth celebrating, often by providing the dog with a treat. This command incorporates that reward into the call to action. I believe use of this phrase should always be accompanied by a treat upon successful completion. And, not friggin’ animal crackers!

• “Mail the package” - those who are fans of the U.S. Postal Service might find this one meaningful - probably better suited to describe a No. 2 action than a No. 1 endeavor.

• “Ducks on the pond” - alright, I freely admit that this one doesn’t make a lot of sense in this scenario - I simply like the phrase. Although, if you plan to adopt the phrase, you might have to seek permission from Major League Baseball first - “ducks on the pond” refers to runners on base, who will be able to score a run, if the current batter gets a hit. The more I think about it, this one may be confusing to those dogs who actually enjoy chasing ducks outside.

• “Time for lawn maintenance” - this one is too obvious, as dogs usually execute their plan on the green grass. Those who live in colder climes might need an alternative phrase for seasons during which the green grass is covered by a blanket of snow. . .

• “Don’t eat the yellow snow” - to the rescue for those facing snow-covered landscapes - also, a shout-out to Frank Zappa. . .

• “Smoke if you got ‘em” - this one makes more sense now, than years ago, when smoking everywhere, including at cocktail parties, in offices, and on airplanes, was acceptable. In order to smoke nowadays, one must go outside - you see the connection?

• “Grab your library card” - some humans like to read while doing their business (I hear) - this call to arms might resonate with that niche of dog-owners.

• “Get over the goal line” - sports analogies can be useful in many applications - this one is motivational and encourages a successful outcome. See also: “Swing for the fences,” “Score a goal,” “Take the rock to the hole” and “Go for the gold.”

• “Secure a beverage” - this bit of advice, as you know, is Rule No. 1, and forms the cornerstone of Rule of Three’s philosophy, so it seems appropriate here - definitely a euphemism for No. 1. By the same token, Rule No. 2 (“Don’t be a douchebag”) could quite effectively support efforts attached to No. 2 activities (and, that advice needn’t be reserved just for humans, including those humans who neglect to retrieve their dog’s No. 2 and place it carefully in a plastic bag). Perhaps we’re just being “homers” here, but we also believe that Rule No. 3 (“Amuse yourself”) can also be deployed here in some way (yes, we know there’s no No. 3 when it comes to canine bodily functions, or, human bodily functions for that matter, but this exercise calls for all of us to “think outside the box,” which we similarly believe could be an effective euphemism).

• “Bottoms up” - as double-entendres go, we think this one could be a big hit, inasmuch as it offers a toast to a successful outcome, and also refers to a part of a dog’s anatomy which plays a role in the activity.

• “Drop off the dry cleaning” - in that the activities in question represent a normal, mundane part of life, what better metaphor than an activity that also represents a normal, mundane part of life?

• “Let’s go to Pamplona” - now, the running of the bulls is anything but a normal, mundane part of life, but the phrase itself is quite elegant, no? This command is perhaps best suited for the larger, muscular, masculine dogs.

• “Let’s run it up the flagpole” - a patriotic salute for the noble canine companion.

• “Just do it (in the grass)” - Nike has sold an awful lot of shoes with this mantra - perhaps it would be as successful in encouraging dogs to do their thing.

So, there you have it - winning suggestions for you to adopt, as you motivate your dog to accomplish the task at hand. Feel free to take ‘em for a spin, or run them up the flagpole or conduct a focus group. We look forward to your feedback in the comments section below. Just, you know, don’t tease your son-in-law by dangling false promises of exciting adventures in front of him.

Did your canine companion take to any of these suggestions?  Perhaps next week Rule of Three will tackle the issue of motivating cats to. . .well, do anything.  Click the button right now to subscribe, and find out - it's free, man!