No, this piece is not going to cover the type of exchange contained in a well-publicized videotape, released during the 2016 U.S. presidential campaign, which was dismissed as “locker room talk.” I apologize if you tuned in specifically for details regarding that incident, but, your confusion serves as an excellent reminder that, as a dedicated reader of Rule of Three, you must read not only the column headline, but also the “subhead,” which in this case clearly outlined the intended purpose of the column. Allow me to further suggest that you should read the entire column, because, as you know, oftentimes you discover that the column did not connect in any way, shape or form to either the headline, or the subhead - Rule of Three is a wild ride, my friend!
But, since you brought it up, let’s take a slight detour, and consider the issue of locker room talk. Not being a professional athlete, it’s been some years since I’ve spent significant time in a locker room. But, I remember things, and given that some of the time I spent in locker rooms was as a 14-year-old boy, who, FBI profilers will attest, are prime candidates for engaging in “locker room talk,” in that 95% of their mental capacity is devoted to the topic of sex, I feel qualified to report accurately on the prevalence of “locker room talk.”
Simply put, it doesn’t exist. Men (including 14-year-old boys) are not widely known for sharing their perspective on anything of any import, and, being riddled with insecurities, sexual encounters are the last thing any of them would wish to discuss. Further, I would argue that, given the outlandish salaries currently being paid to professional athletes, “locker room talk” is more likely to include discussions of planned exotic vacations, and massively expensive sportscars parked in the driveways of mansions owned by these athletes, and the latest unique investment opportunity being pitched by their financial advisor.
These findings, however, come with a disclaimer: We have all known a handful of “outliers,” whose preoccupation with, and interest in discussing such things (incessantly!) makes us extremely uncomfortable, and anxious to avoid any and all contact with them. You might find these miscreants in your group of soccer parents, or at church, or in the White House. My advice to you is to run, don’t walk.
Whew! I’m glad we got that out of the way. Now, on to the pressing (alright, it’s not really pressing, but, can we agree that it might be at least mildly amusing?) business of inspiring locker room speeches.
The Rule of Three research team discovered very little audio, or video, or written evidence of actual locker room speeches, other than reference to Herb Brooks’ “Miracle on Ice” 1980 U.S. Hockey Team speech, and a Ray Lewis speech to a Baltimore Ravens NFL team, and something from Tim Tebow. But, no worries, Rule of Three is not above tapping fictional content for such gems, and thankfully, Hollywood has obliged.
Some of the most recognizable inspirational speeches include:
Herb Brooks - “Miracle on Ice” - Hey, I said we couldn’t locate actual Herb Brooks video, but the movie that was made about that stunning U.S. Olympic victory over the Soviets, starring Kurt Russell, is easy to find. Brooks’ speech was quite stirring:
“Great moments are born from great opportunity.
And that's what you have here tonight, boys.
That's what you've earned here, tonight.
One game.
If we played 'em 10 times, they might win nine.
But not this game. Not tonight.
Tonight, we skate with 'em.
Tonight, we stay with 'em, and we shut them down because we can!
Tonight, we are the greatest hockey team in the world.
You were born to be hockey players—every one of ya.
And you were meant to be here tonight.
This is your time.
Their time—is done. It's over.
I'm sick and tired of hearin' about what a great hockey team the Soviets have. Screw 'em!
This is your time!!”
Of course, Cold War politics can provide a meaningful backdrop to a straightforward hockey game, but not all coaches are afforded that opportunity.
Coach Norman Dale - “Hoosiers” - Hoosiers is a great movie, inspired by a small-town Indiana high school basketball team, Milan High School, which won the 1954 state championship, and stars Gene Hackman as the coach. Coach Dale’s speech was quite memorable:
"If you put your effort and concentration into playing to your potential, I don't care what the scoreboard says at the end of the game. In my book, we're gonna be winners! OK?"
That’s not actually how sports competitions work, but Coach Dale can be forgiven for his inspirational hyperbole.
Knute Rockne - Notre Dame Football - How can we not include something from Knute Rockne in this compendium of inspirational locker room speeches? You thought I was going to turn to Pat O’Brien, as Rockne, in the 1940 film about his life? Perhaps the scene in the hospital room with George Gipp, played by Ronald Reagan? Win one for the Gipper? No, that’s too easy - below is actual video of the real Knute Rockne offering a locker room speech, in which he offers some very-specific on-field advice, and concludes with five (count ‘em, five!) exhortations to “Fight!”
I don’t know about you, but absorbing these three iconic locker room speeches makes me want to suit-up and head out the tunnel, onto the field (or, court, or ice, as the case may be), although I’d first look around and make sure that the Michigan State football team wasn’t lying in wait for me in the tunnel.
But, I recognize that these aren’t the only types of inspirational locker room speeches which might be deployed - in fact, I believe there are three other distinct subgenres of such speeches, including:
The “Complete Asshole” Approach - This well-known strain of coaching philosophy was popularized by longtime University of Indiana basketball coach, Bobby Knight. I, myself, have never been particularly inspired by this type of leadership, having experienced it on occasion in offices during my career. An example of a locker room speech from someone in this coaching fraternity follows:
“Alright, you tiny-brained peckerheads! Your performance in the first half out there was the most embarrassing display of #@&%!*#@% that I’ve ever seen, in my 48 years of coaching! I would try to offer some advice to you
about teamwork, but I don’t think you would be able to absorb even one
miniscule shred of it! So, let’s get back out there, and you guys can
continue laying a turd on the court, and I’ll sit on the bench and do my
crossword puzzle, and then we can get the hell out of here, after you’ve
made a mockery of God, this university, and the game of basketball! You
guys suck!”
The “Zen” Approach - This style of coaching is probably best exemplified by Phil Jackson, who successfully coached both the Chicago Bulls and the Los Angeles Lakers, during his long coaching career. A sample locker room speech from someone espousing this philosophy might unfold like this:
“Lamar, come on in here, and give us your thoughts on Kant’s metaphysics, and how that might impact our results in the second half. After that, I think Kenny would like to offer a perspective from his recent exploration of Jungian psychology, which we may find helpful with the challenge we are facing in this particular ballgame right now. Let’s first gather in a circle, in order that we may conduct our halftime chant, which will properly cleanse our minds for the balance of the game.”
The “Data Wonk” Approach - Billy Beane wasn’t a coach, he was instead the general manager of the Oakland Athletics baseball team for a number of years, beginning in 1997. Beane’s approach to fielding a winning baseball team centered on statistical analysis, called sabermetrics, which would enable a team such as the Oakland Athletics, who were outgunned financially, to effectively compete on the field; Beane’s exploits were chronicled in a film called Moneyball, in which Beane was portrayed by Brad Pitt. A locker room speech by an adherent of this coaching philosophy would perhaps sound like this:
“Now, Jimmy, the data tells us that we are 16% more likely to win the game when you shoot 3-pointers, rather than Freddy here, so, let’s plan to ensure that we pass the ball to Jimmy in the second half. Also, the new Nike sneakers we began wearing in last Tuesday’s game have yielded an average of 2.7 more points than the old ones, so, armed with that data, we can shift out of our man- to-man defense into a 2-1-2 zone defense with exactly 7:32 left to play in the second half, without sacrificing points to the other team. Alright, bring it in - ‘Adequate margin to win!’ on three.”
So you see, there are many options from which to choose, when crafting your personal inspirational locker room speech strategy. Just, you know, try to avoid “locker room talk” when you do so - that has absolutely no place in locker rooms.
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