Ma Barker is Back in Business. . .

. . .operating a criminal enterprise at the Extended Parking Lot at the airport.

I did not expect, upon boarding the shuttle bus at the Pittsburgh International Airport terminal for the Extended Parking Lot to retrieve my car (Pro tip: When parking at the Pittsburgh International Airport, choose the “Extended Parking Lot,” rather than the “Economy Parking Lot,” because the “Economy Parking Lot” does not feature a shuttle bus to the airport terminal - you must walk there, and, although it appears as if the airport terminal exists on the horizon, it is much like a mirage one views while lost in the desert, and doesn’t actually exist), to encounter a modern day Ma Barker and her band of notorious criminals.

But, as I was exiting the parking lot, ready with my ticket and my credit card, I was second in line behind a car parked at the exit terminal, with a man standing outside the car. As I waited, he approached my car, and, after I lowered the window, he indicated that his mother was unable to complete the transaction in the exit terminal, which would prompt the exit gate to rise, enabling her escape (note that I have chosen the word “escape” intentionally, rather than more mundane options such as: departure, withdrawal or leave-taking).

I waved my ticket and credit card at him, in an attempt to impress upon him that I was prepared to complete my transaction, and effect my departure (note the more benign option used here), if only his mother would back up out of the way, and allow me to proceed to the exit terminal.

He agreed and returned to his mother’s car, climbing into the back seat. The car proceeded to back up, clumsily, the back tires jumping up and over the curb. I honked at them, attempting to alert them to the wayward backing up movement, but to no avail; the car continued backwards, further off the roadway. The car was then far enough back from the exit gate to drive forward out of the lane; it did so, landing with a thud as it returned from its temporary home over the curb. The car moved far enough out of the way that I was able to continue forward to the exit terminal.

Once parked by the terminal, I inserted my ticket, and followed that up with my credit card. As the terminal returned my credit card to me, the man approached and asked if I would be willing to conduct a tutorial for his mother, in order that they may also exit the parking lot. He further asked that I pass him my credit card so that the training could be performed with a tool proven to be successful. It was at this point that I began to believe that some sort of scam was being perpetrated. I politely declined to provide him with my credit card, and, noticing that the exit gate had arisen, wished him well and took my leave.

Now, I suppose this experience could have been an innocent mishap on the part of a befuddled mother and a well-meaning, but dimwitted son.

My mind traveled in a different direction, however. I had by now christened this unseen mother, in my mind, as “Ma Parker.” As I assigned this nickname to this woman, I wondered if the underworld had a code similar to that embraced by the Motion Picture Association, in which no two actors were able to claim the same name, leading to actors changing their names in order to stake a unique brand identity. I mean, there already was a quite famous “Parker” in the crime universe: Bonnie Parker, of Bonnie & Clyde fame, although I felt I was on safe ground because, to my knowledge, Bonnie Parker never became a mother, and never adopted the moniker “Ma” during her brief but illustrious career. After all, there are many actors with the last name “Johnson,” including: Don Johnson, Dwayne (“The Rock” Johnson”) and Russell Johnson (you know, the actor who played the Professor in Gilligan’s Island).

As I considered the steps necessary to build a successful criminal organization, it became all too clear to me. What better cover for a gang dedicated to criminal activities than a harmless matriarch, who is positioned as being unable to perform such ordinary tasks as paying for parking or backing up a car without crashing over the curb? Diabolical, no?

This harmless backdrop could serve its organization well, as unsuspecting air travelers. simply attempting to exit the Extended Parking Lot, could be accosted, far from airport security cameras and security staff, and pressured to relinquish credit cards, providing sustenance to a thriving criminal operation.

The original Ma Barker had four sons: Herman, Lloyd, Arthur and Fred, each of whom were involved in the family business, which included: highway robbery, bank robbery and kidnapping. Herman killed himself in 1927 during an altercation in which he killed a policeman, rather than face prosecution; the other three boys were incarcerated in 1928, albeit in three different penitentiaries.

Upon his release from prison in 1931, Fred joined up with Alvin Karpis to form the Barker-Karpis Gang; Arthur joined the team a year later, when his prison sentence was completed. Ever the doting mother, Ma Barker traveled with the gang, perhaps to ensure that her boys were properly fed and well rested, as they conducted their life of crime. I can picture Ma Barker walking her boys to the bus stop, and advising them to have a good day at criminal activities - “I packed fruit snacks in your lunch bag, boys.”

The Feds put an end to the Barker-Karpis reign of terror in January, 1935, as Ma Barker and Fred were killed in a shootout in Florida, a Tommy gun clutched in Ma Barker’s dead hands.

So, the next time you are exiting the Extended Parking Lot at the airport, remain vigilant for the sudden appearance of a member of Ma Parker’s gang - they can be quite crafty. Just, you know, remember to enter the Extended Parking Lot, rather than the Economy Parking Lot, because the airport terminal doesn’t actually exist when one has parked at the latter.

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