My Life Coach was 'The Dick Van Dyke Show'
All I really need to know I learned from watching 'The Dick Van Dyke Show' reruns.
When I was a kid, growing up in the 1960’s and 1970’s, I watched a statistically-improbable number of The Dick Van Dyke Show reruns, likely on Chicago’s WGN - channel 9, for those of you keeping score at home. WGN had a steady rotation of classic 1960’s sitcoms, including: I Dream of Jeannie, Gilligan’s Island, The Andy Griffith Show, Get Smart, The Addams Family, The Munsters, Bewitched, The Flintstones, The Beverly Hillbillies, Green Acres, The Jetsons, The Brady Bunch, Gomer Pyle: USMC, My Favorite Martian, My Three Sons, Hogan’s Heroes, F Troop, Petticoat Junction, That Girl, Family Affair, McHale’s Navy and Hazel. Sure, I watched them all, camped out in front of the large TV in the family room in our home located in the North Shore suburb of Kenilworth, after school. But, I drew upon the experiences of Rob, Laura, Buddy and Sally, Mel, Millie and Jerry, Ritchie, and even Alan Brady, the primary characters in The Dick Van Dyke Show, to guide my life choices, as I moved into adulthood, building my professional career and family life.
And, The Dick Van Dyke Show dispensed plenty of advice during its five-year run, which included 158 episodes. Rule of Three’s Classic Sitcom Review Division has spent countless hours reviewing and documenting lessons learned from these TV gems - lessons which we intend to share with you right now. Herewith, Rule of Three’s top-ten list of the most memorable life lessons gleaned from The Dick Van Dyke Show:
"The Sick Boy and the Sitter" - this was the pilot episode, in which Rob, and his comedy-writer team of Buddy and Sally are asked to attend a party at the home of their boss, Alan Brady, primarily because they will be asked to perform, to entertain Brady’s guests. Rob’s wife, Laura, believes their young son, Ritchie, is sick, and doesn’t want to leave him at home with a babysitter. Rob and Laura end up attending the party, and, upon returning home, discover that a doctor is on the scene. The viewer is led to believe that Laura’s intuition was correct, and that Ritchie’s health is endangered. The plot twist is that the babysitter had an accident, and Ritchie is fine.
Key Learning - From this episode, I learned about the mystical concept of “woman’s intuition,” which suggests that women have a “sixth sense” in terms of sensing danger, or something amiss. In my experience, “woman’s intuition” is no better than a 50/50 proposition (please, ladies, no angry letters or emails), and is no more powerful than “man’s intuition,” which is not really a thing. But, I’m smart enough to pay lip-service to “woman’s intuition” when it surfaces, so, thank you, The Dick Van Dyke Show. Also, many of us can empathize with the tug between professional commitments and family commitments, a theme repeated a few episodes later, in “Washington vs. the Bunny,” in which Rob must travel out of town on business, causing him to miss Ritchie’s star turn in a school production as the “Main Bunny.” Man, I’ve been there. . .well, not specifically missing a child’s performance as the “Main Bunny,” but, I’m sure I sacrificed other family things to professional commitments (see my wife for a complete list).
"When a Bowling Pin Talks, Listen" - this episode centers around Rob, suffering from writer’s block, accepting a comedy sketch idea from Ritchie, which he saw on a children’s TV show - i.e. the idea was thus, inadvertently, stolen. In order to prevent the Alan Brady Show from being sued, Rob and his team attempt to spike the piece, to no avail; Brady decides to pretend as if the “stealee” was actually the “stealor” (you know, the best defense is a strong offense thing), and ends up doing a guest spot on the competing show, and gets a pie in the face (this is the early 1960’s, man - a pie in the face was high-brow comedy).
Key Learning - this episode taught me that if you’re going to steal, then you should also lie about it; also, if possible, blame somebody else for actually committing the crime, preferably a young child, unable to defend himself. I’m kidding, of course. . .everybody knows that young children will eagerly use any opportunity to throw you under the bus. I do credit The Dick Van Dyke Show with at least sharpening my senses to the fact that there are people out there who will steal, and lie, causing me to distrust everyone. Also, I long for the good old days which featured plenty of TV shows with “pie in the face” comedy - simpler times.
"All About Eavesdropping" - Ritchie’s toy intercom is left on, providing an opportunity for Rob and Laura to eavesdrop on Millie and Jerry, their next door neighbors. Millie and Jerry have some negative things to say about Rob and Laura, resulting in a frosty evening with the two couples. Ultimately, Rob and Laura admit to eavesdropping.
Key Learning - you know the aphorism, “Dance like no one is watching?” Well, that has absolutely nothing to do with the message delivered by this episode, which suggests to me that you should “Talk as if someone is always listening.” Additionally, I have no desire to know what my neighbors think of me, or my crabgrass, which, ironically formed the basis of yet another The Dick Van Dyke Show episode, entitled “A Vigilante Ripped My Sportscoat.”
"October Eve" - in this episode, Laura had commissioned a painting of herself years earlier as a gift for Rob - she posed fully-clothed, but the little-known artist painted her in the nude. Upset, she splashed paint on the picture, believing she had ruined it. Years later, the artist, now very well-known, is displaying the restored painting in a prominent Manhattan art gallery. Rob approaches the artist, and indicates that he has a receipt for the painting, reflecting a very small amount paid back then - he is bluffing, but the bluff works, and the painting will be sold to a private collector who intends to hang it in his home in a remote village in South America, far from public exposure.
Key Learning - I have thus far avoided posing for an artist, either clothed or unclothed - I believe lovers of fine art everywhere have The Dick Van Dyke Show to thank for sparing them the horrific work of art that might have sprung from a decision to pose, on my part. Also, this episode reinforced with me the importance of maintaining organized files of receipts - important not only regarding potential encounters with the IRS, but handy in other situations as well.
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“The Man from Emperor” - in this episode, an old friend of Rob’s, a thinly-disguised Hugh Hefner character, shows up to offer him a job with his very successful men’s magazine. Although the job is quite attractive, Rob (with advice from Laura) struggles with his moral values and convictions, and ultimately declines the offer.
Key Learning - I learned from this episode that not every job adheres to the prototypical standard of toiling in a dreary, lifeless office. Unfortunately, even though I believe that to be true, I haven’t been able to find such jobs, and have opted instead to toil in dreary, lifeless offices throughout my career - in one case, in a dreary, lifeless former barn.
"It Wouldn't Hurt Them to Give Us a Raise" - one of my favorite episodes, this one highlights how convoluted corporate structures can be, typically constructed to minimize the impact of taxes. Rob visits with the company’s accountant, seeking raises for Buddy and Sally, an unsuccessful pitch, but inadvertently earns one for himself.
Key Learning - aside from preparing me for a view of intricate corporate structures and the pretzel logic which sometimes attends corporate decision-making, I also learned the Machiavellian art of pretending to seek benefits for others, in the hope of enriching myself.
"Stretch Petrie vs. Kid Schenk" - an old friend of Rob’s surfaces, seeking a favor, in return for a long-ago favor he did for Rob. Rob wrestles with his conscience, and must decide whether to honor an old friend’s request, or do the right thing, ethically.
Key Learning - nobody ever asks me to help them out, which begs the question: Am I considered to be inconsequential in terms of influence, or is it assumed that I am unwilling to help? Either answer does not reflect well on me. I think I need a new set of friends.
"Coast to Coast Big Mouth" - another of my favorites, this episode features Laura’s appearance on a game show, in which she reveals that Alan Brady is bald, a revelation which upsets the vain Brady. The scene in Brady’s office, in which several mannequin-heads are perched on his desk, sporting his various toupees, while Brady does battle with Rob and Laura, is worth the price of admission.
Key Learning - I can’t say that I really learned anything useful from this episode, but, as homage, I do have a mannequin-head in my office, and offer visitors the unique honor of choosing the “Hat of the Day,” to be selected from my vast collection of baseball caps, to be placed atop the mannequin’s head.
"Talk to the Snail" - believing that he and his comedy-writing team are slated to be fired, Rob entertains an offer to write for a children’s show, featuring Jellybean the Snail. The anthropomorphism (alright, I admit it, I’ve been searching for an occasion to drop this very real word into casual conversation for quite some time now) of the snail character in this episode is comedy gold.
Key Learning - the well-known saying, “Never work with animals or children” is attributed to W.C. Fields. Solid business advice, that. Fields also said, “On the whole, I’d rather be in Philadelphia.” And, “I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.” During the course of my life, I have been in Philadelphia (check); I typically vote against candidates, rather than for them (check); and have never worked with animals or children (check). But, this column is not about adopting the wisdom of W.C. Fields to guide my life choices; rather, the focus is on lessons delivered by The Dick Van Dyke Show. And, I have been a good student: I have never worked for a snail.
"The Making of a Councilman" - convinced to run for a city councilman seat in New Rochelle, Rob eventually determines that, although he is tall and has an engaging smile, his opponent is much more qualified for the role than he is.
Key Learning - according to hottestheadsofstate.com, which ranked the U.S. presidents in terms of “hotness,” the three at the top of the list were: Franklin Pierce, James K. Polk and John F. Kennedy. At the bottom of the list were: John Adams, Chester A. Arthur and William Henry Harrison. Now, in order to cross-reference these findings with rankings of the “Best U.S. presidents of all time,” as detailed by stacker.com, we searched for these six presidents on that list, and determined the following: Pierce was no. 41 on the list, suggesting that attractiveness doesn’t correlate to effective governance; Harrison checked-in at no. 39, which indicates that he was not considered to be particularly attractive, nor an effective leader - bear in mind that he was president all of thirty-two days, before dying of pneumonia, so the sample-size for his presidential leadership was pretty small; Arthur appears at no. 30, registering weak performance on both scales; Polk, on the other hand, landed at no. 18, a respectable spot for an attractive man to be; Adams was awarded no. 15, which more or less supports the hypothesis; and Kennedy holds the no. 8 spot, a strong result on both lists. My only question is: How did Lincoln rate only no. 31 on the “hotness” scale? The smart money had him at least in the 40’s - predictably, he did receive the no. 1 ranking on stacker.com’s list of best presidents.
Rule of Three is pleased to provide you with the boundless array of life-lessons we have absorbed from The Dick Van Dyke Show. Next week: a summary of the life-lessons which my mother thought we were learning from watching Brady Bunch reruns - in reality, we were laughing at them, not with them.
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