Neighbors, "Shmeighbors"

Who needs 'em?

Robert Frost is well-known for having said, “Good fences make good neighbors.” This phrase actually appears twice in his 392-word poem, Mending Wall, first published in 1914. And, poetry scholars are quick to point out that Frost was not really espousing the sentiment contained in that phrase; rather, the poem appears to question the very need for a fence at all in this instance.

Allow me a couple of observations: first, Rule of Three is not a poetry discussion hub, so we won’t be hosting a roundtable discussion here - I can suggest several options, if that’s what you’re after: everypoet.org, which touts itself as “the preeminent interactive poetry community for informed, constructive criticism of your poems;” or allpoetry.com, which indicates that “We help you learn what you need to improve;” or, and I cannot emphasize strongly enough that this third option should only be exercised as a last resort: revisit a 2022 Rule of Three column here, at your peril. . .

Bad Poets Society

My second point is that I am much fonder of pithy soundbites, such as “Good fences make good neighbors,” than I am of literary criticism - case in point: I have often repeated Leo Durocher’s famous retort of “Nice guys finish last,” although that’s not what Leo actually said; and I’ve always liked Willie Sutton’s response to the question, “Why do you rob banks?”: “Because that’s where the money is,” although Sutton never said that either; and Richard Nixon’s claim that “I am not a crook” - well, bad example, because Nixon actually did say that.

The guy pictured atop this column also had a thing or two to say about neighbors. That is, of course, Pittsburgh’s own, Fred Rogers, and he started each episode of his Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood television show with this familiar ditty. . .

A final obscure reference relating to neighbors is a film, entitled “Neighbors.” No, I’m not talking about the 2014 Seth Rogen/Zac Efron movie, in which the plot revolves around a young couple with an infant moving next door to a fraternity house - that comedy is way too broad. No, this film reference is even more obscure than that: a 1981 movie of the same name, starring John Belushi and Dan Ackroyd, in which Belushi portrays the sensible, straightforward neighbor - a film that attempts to pull that particular rabbit out of its hat automatically earns a “10” on the Rule of Three “Filmmaking Audacity Scale” (widely utilized in certain Hollywood circles).

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Now, if good fences truly did make good neighbors, the Chinese and the Mongols (or the Tartars, or the Xiongnu people, or the Manchus, or whomever else the Chinese were girding against when constructing the Great Wall of China) would be the tightest buddies on the face of the planet. And, The United States and Mexico would be roughly 36% of the way toward being good neighbors, inasmuch as an estimated 701 miles of the 1,954 miles of border between those two nations includes a wall of some sort.

Over the years, I’ve been blessed with some great neighbors - witness this testimonial published just last year. . .

Mallard Pond

But, if I’m honest with myself, I’ve also been afforded some less-than-ideal neighbors. I recall the day we moved into a home in Glenview, a northern suburb of Chicago, some years ago. We had a load of wood delivered, from which a team was charged with constructing a swing-set for our three young children. Our new neighbor, whom I will call Chuck (because that’s his name), and who was the self-proclaimed “Mayor of Longvalley Street,” strode over, and confronted my wife, indicating that, “I don’t like fences.”

My wife responded to Chuck that we had no intention of installing a fence, which may, or may not have placated him. But, at least he suffered a fate less devastating than our neighbor on the other side, an older gentleman whom I will call Art (because that’s his name) - Carrie indicated to me one evening that Art had died. We didn’t know Art well, but, being an older homeowner living alone, he had let home maintenance fall by the wayside a bit - I don’t know that I would characterize his home as a neighborhood eyesore, but neither was it a finalist in the “House Beautiful” contest. I felt badly about Art, but, my feelings of sorrow were assuaged when I saw Art puttering around in his yard a day or two later (not improving his property’s appearance, mind you, just puttering around).

Another neighbor in another neighborhood, in the Detroit suburbs, engaged in a scuffle with our Jack Russell, and feigned injury, resulting in her filing a claim which led to our having to put the dog down.

Our driveway ended up serving as “overflow parking” for a different neighbor of ours, the instant we left town - an unsanctioned road-rally captured on the security cameras we had installed.

Yet another neighbor (with whom we shared walls) whom I will call Joanie (because that’s her name) was the president of the home owners’ association (H.O.A.), and attempted to torpedo the sale of our townhouse with an 11th-hour demand for a special assessment - she went as far as connecting with the local registrar to derail the transfer of our property’s deed.

So no, not every neighbor experience I’ve had has been positive. By the way, I’m surprised that a sitcom has not yet been developed, entitled “H.O.A.” Based upon my personal experiences, that setting is rife with comedic possibilities. Every H.O.A. board with which I am familiar includes the following:

• Autocratic H.O.A. president - this person is either retired, or extremely underutilized in his/her current job, yielding a toxic stew of too much time on his/her hands, a burning desire to lead, and an overly-officious demeanor.

• Reluctant H.O.A. board members - these board members are recruited by the president, who relies upon one of the three time-tested recruitment strategies: guilt (“I did you a favor once - you owe me.”); the promise of personal benefit (“You know that set of hedges you want to plant that are non-conforming - I can make that happen for you.”); or family ties (“Come on, you’re my husband - no one else wants to do it.”).

• Financial impropriety - alright, I can’t prove it, but, why else would anyone in their right mind want to get involved with an H.O.A., except that they were unfairly enriching themselves financially?

• Professionals enriched by H.O.A. contracts - this attribute is more readily apparent - would anyone be surprised to learn that lawncare, snow removal, and construction activities are performed by close friends of the autocratic H.O.A. president?

• Minimal attendance at H.O.A. meetings - attending an H.O.A. meeting ranks just below “preparing an annual income tax return,” and just ahead of “extensive oral surgery,” on the list of “things which people would rather not do.” An exception is the best friend of the H.O.A. president, who is the only non-board member who regularly attends the meetings, and, in some H.O.A.’s, apparently constitutes a quorum, enabling unanimous votes in support of every motion surfaced.

As I suggested: comedy gold! Look for “H.O.A.” to premiere on a TV network in the 2024 season, assuming that I’m able to successfully pitch the project, and write twenty-two episodes in the next couple of months.

I know that Fred Rogers welcomed all comers when it came to neighbors, but I have to believe that even he would have drawn a line in the sand, when it came to certain potential neighbors - there might not have been a wall high enough to make a good neighbor out of. . .

Have you had terrific neighbors?  Crappy neighbors?  Tell us about them, in the comments section below.  And, since you've got your typing fingers engaged, why not click the button here to subscribe to Rule of Three - it's free!