"One Less Egg to Fry"

Where we explore nonsensical lyrics.

Writing lyrics is a risky business. The popularity of enduring lyrics is quite subjective: what strikes you as awesome and timeless might leave me cold. During the extensive research phase I conducted in crafting this column (you know, I visited a couple of websites), I identified some common themes (more accurately, some common names of songwriters) attached to lists of lyrics typically believed to be memorable. These lists included such names as: Michael Jackson; John Lennon/The Beatles; Bob Dylan; Don McLean; Simon & Garfunkel; The Eagles; Rolling Stones; Fleetwood Mac; Whitney Houston; Journey; Led Zeppelin; James Taylor; and Neil Young. Admit it, you can hear one of their best-known songs in your head right now. Which one? Be honest with me - I won’t tell anybody. Imagine? Like a Rolling Stone? Stairway to Heaven? American Pie? You’re welcome!

And, a cottage industry (or, at least one well-known website) has developed which is dedicated to the most frequently misheard song lyrics (kissthisguy.com), which includes such classics as:

• Madonna’s Like a Virgin’s lyrics heard as, “Like a virgin, touched for the thirty-first time.”

• Elton John’s Crocodile Rock’s lyrics heard as, “I remember when Iraq was young.”

• Jimi Hendrix’s Purple Haze’s lyrics heard as, “‘scuse me, while I kiss this guy.”

But, let’s not dwell on memorable lyrics, or lyrics which are memorable because they have been mistaken for something else. Let’s instead focus on those lyrics which are bad, because they don’t make any sense. In some cases, the accompanying music is bearable, but the lyrics are incomprehensible.

One such example, in my opinion, is MacArthur Park, written by Jimmy Webb in the late ‘60’s. Come on now, don’t pretend as if you don’t know that song - I know you do. You know: “Someone left the cake out in the rain; I don’t think that I can take it; ‘Cause it took so long to bake it; And I’ll never have that recipe again.” Wait, what?

Burt Bacharach is a guilty pleasure of mine, including such all-timers as: What the World Needs Now is Love; Walk on By; (They Long to Be) Close to You; The Look of Love; I Say a Little Prayer; Do You Know the Way to San Jose; This Guy’s in Love with You; I’ll Never Fall in Love Again; Raindrops Keep Fallin’ on My Head; and many more. But one of his songs which has always puzzled me is, One Less Bell to Answer. Now, I understand the woman in the song is conflicted because the man in her life is gone, but she appears to still love him; that’s not my hang-up. I’m struggling with the fact that she keeps whining about “one less egg to fry.” I mean, how much energy has this woman expended cooking eggs for this guy? And, what is she doing to them that it has caused her so much pain? I’m not a fan of runny eggs, so I like my fried eggs over hard. And, all-in, from cracking the egg to “spatulizing” the egg from the pan to the plate, amounts to three minutes, four minutes tops (by the way, I recognize that “spatulize” is not really a word - I made it up; but it should be a word - it’s quite descriptive, no?). Maybe she’s going a little batty, because it sounds as if her doorbell is ringing all day long; maybe she’s constantly ordering stuff from Amazon. I think that would drive me nuts too.

The third song in our lineup of lyrics of which I cannot make sense is a holiday classic, and is also included in that rare category of songs which include parentheses at the front of the song title, such as the Burt Bacharach hit, (They Long to Be) Close to You, highlighted above: (There’s No Place Like) Home for the Holidays. The first verse, which begins, “I met a man who lives in Tennessee, he was heading for, Pennsylvania, and some homemade pumpkin pie!” ends with, “From Atlantic to Pacific, Gee the traffic is terrific!” The traffic is terrific? Now I know it rhymes with Pacific (sort of), but what the hell does that mean? Were the traffic-lights synced to green on his way north from Tennessee? He didn’t encounter any fender-benders along the way? And, what about the folks who were travellin’ from Pennsylvania down the Dixie sunny shore? I know for a fact that, if they were on I-95 south, they would have encountered at least some pockets of congestion. You see: nonsensical.

Given the subject matter of today’s column, I think I owe you a bonus selection. And, the category is: Decidedly Awful Songs Which Should Never Have Been Recorded, and Which Were Released in 1976. The top three nominees:

• Afternoon Delight - Starland Vocal Band (1976) - ouch!

• Muskrat Love - Captain & Tenille (1976) - double ouch!

• Friday - Rebecca Black (2011) - alright, you caught me - this song was not released in 1976, which could have been named, “The Year of Terrible Music", rather than 1976, but, let’s face it, this is by far the most banal and senseless song ever produced, and deserves a spot in the “1976 Hall of Fame of Decidedly Awful Songs Which Should Never Have Been Recorded” - if you haven’t seen this music video you owe it to yourself to queue it up - I guarantee that you will be horrified.

I think after all this negativity I owe you a palate-cleanser. And, I know what you’re thinking: Uh-oh, here comes a Steely Dan recommendation, because, you know, Steely Dan is awesome! No, I’m going in a different direction here: Antonio Carlos Jobim’s, “The Girl from Ipanema,” released in 1962, a jazz-tinged, Brazilian bossa nova hit, performed most famously by Astrud Gilberto and saxman Stan Getz - it is truly sublime. Enjoy!