Requiem for G.O.A.T.
Lake Superior State University's 2023 "Banished Words List" performs a valuable public service by retiring G.O.A.T.
I have long been a fan of Lake Superior State University's (LSSU’s) annual "Banished Words List,” because their commitment to “. . .safeguarding against misuse, overuse, and uselessness of the English language. . .” serves to protect us from ourselves. Rule of Three weighed-in on last year’s list of words and phrases to be banished, and concurred, for the most part, with their selections - a link to that column is helpfully attached here. . .
G.O.A.T. is a perfect example of an acronym which achieves the trifecta of misuse, overuse, and uselessness, and, which should rightfully be banished to the dustbin of history. Years ago, a goat was considered to be the opposite of a hero - someone who screwed up something - think: Bill Buckner (ground ball through his legs in the 1986 World Series); Chris Webber (called a timeout his team didn’t have left in the 1993 Final Four championship game); and Fred Merkle (I bet you didn’t have this one on your Bingo card - Merkle famously failed to touch second base on a walk-off hit in a late-season 1908 game between his New York Giants and the Chicago Cubs, resulting in the game being replayed two weeks later, and enabling the Cubs to win the pennant - technically, the miscue was unfortunately termed, “Merkle’s Boner,” because it was a “bonehead” play, but, I think we can include Merkle in the collection of old-time goats, because Rule of Three does not intend to publish a scholarly piece near-term on the topic of “Famous Boners.”
Before G.O.A.T. disappears entirely from our radar-screen, perhaps it would be useful to explore the topic a bit more deeply. It’s difficult to divorce G.O.A.T. entirely from the animal with horns and a beard, because I have intentionally planted the seed with you by featuring a logo above including just such an image.
Several famous goats leap to mind, including:
“Three Billy Goats Gruff,” contained in a Norwegian fairy tale, which dates back to the 1840’s - the story line has the goats tricking an evil troll, who lives beneath a bridge, which they wish to use to cross a stream to reach a field with lush grass for them to eat - the largest of the goats tosses the troll into the stream, where he drowns - sometimes, in dining, there are casualties.
A pet goat, Murphy, owned by the owner of the Billy Goat Tavern in Chicago, William Sianis, who brought the goat with him to a 1945 World Series game in Chicago, featuring the Cubs - the goat was bothering other fans, so Sianis and his goat were asked to leave the game - that was the genesis of the “Billy Goat Curse” which Sianis placed upon the Cubs in response - that curse prevailed for seventy-one years, until 2016, when the Cubs finally won their first World Series since 1908 (that’s right, the year of “Merkle’s Boner”). The way they check bags these days when entering stadiums likely wouldn’t allow a goat to be admitted in the first place, but I guess 1945 was a different time and place; perhaps a separate “goats only” section should be set aside in Wrigley Field - that would be a strong signal of the Cubs’ commitment to inclusiveness.
“Bill the Goat” - the mascot of the U.S. Naval Academy, might seem an unusual choice as a mascot for the Navy, but, apparently, ships used to carry live goats on board during long voyages, because goats will eat anything, including garbage and other detritus, keeping the ship clean, and then were able to provide milk for sailors to sprinkle on their breakfast cereal. Also, if the crew encountered a severe food shortage, there are likely many fine goat recipes included in Betty Crocker’s Cookbook.
But, on to G.O.A.T.. . .you may recall Muhammad Ali proclaiming himself to be “The Greatest!” His wife, Lonnie, established a corporation in 1992, labeled, “Greatest of All Time, Inc.,” acronym-ified (you’re correct, that’s not a real word - I made it up myself) as “G.O.A.T., Inc.,” intended to manage licensing activities connected to Ali’s moniker.
Members of the G.O.A.T. community, with whom you are no doubt familiar include: Michael Jordan (perhaps the first real G.O.A.T), LeBron James, Serena Williams, Tiger Woods, and Tom Brady.
Do you notice a common theme here? That’s right: these are all athletes. But, what about other areas of endeavor? Are there not standouts worthy of G.O.A.T. status in fields such as: literature, the arts, and juggling?
Ironically, rap musician LL Cool J released an album in 2000 entitled, “G.O.A.T.” It’s not clear to me if he was anointing himself as a G.O.A.T, or if the album was an homage to Muhammad Ali, or Michael Jordan, or that elusive juggler, whom the Rule of Three private investigative services team continues to seek.
imdb.com includes a list of twenty-two G.O.A.T. films (in no particular order), which does include The Godfather (Parts I and II), The Magnificent Seven, and Taxi Driver, but also appears to include an outsize number of war films (Kelly’s Heroes and The Great Escape among them, both of which are excellent films), which makes me wonder if the list should been more appropriately-titled, “G.O.A.T. films. . .According to Some Random Staffer, Who Really Likes War Films.”
Billboard’s website contains a page which reflects the “Greatest of All Time Artists” - I know, it doesn’t specifically deploy the G.O.A.T. acronym, but the sentiment is certainly there. There are 125 artists listed (and, no disclaimer regarding the particular order), led by the Beatles, followed by The Rolling Stones, and Elton John - in my book, each of those artists could appropriately rock the G.O.A.T. label.
How about “100 Best Books of All Time: The World Library List”, contained on goodreads.com? Technically, that acronym translates to: “OHBBAT,” but I think we can agree that if goodreads.com occasionally lifted its nose out of a book, it would recognize that its list is absolutely a G.O.A.T. list. Clearly the most amusing aspect of this webpage is this extremely heavy-handed warning, worthy of an 1880’s librarian:
“NOTE: This is a pre-established list. PLEASE DO NOT ADD ANY BOOKS TO THE LIST. Books not on the original list will be deleted. If you add books anyway, you demonstrate you cannot read (or understand) the “DO NOT ADD ANY BOOKS TO THE LIST”. Kind of sad for a reading oriented web site. If you add books to this list anyway, I will personally remove them while I sneer at your inability to read. DO NOT ADD ANY BOOKS TO THE LIST. Got it?”
Well, Ms. 1880’s Librarian, we have been forewarned. In spite of your general nastiness, we will persist in perusing your handiwork, acknowledging that the list is led by Pride and Prejudice, 1984, and Crime and Punishment; we will neither confirm nor deny that we have only read one of those three novels. Our batting-average improves somewhat to .500, when taking into account the top ten novels listed, but dips below the Mendoza line (that means below .200, for those of you who are not baseball fanatics), upon considering the entire list of 100 books - kinda’ sad, eh? But, at least I abided by Ms. 1880’s Librarian’s very rigid warnings.
And, let’s not neglect the field of science. Discover Magazine posits, in its “The 10 Greatest Scientists of All Time,” that the top three G.O.A.T.s in this category are: Albert Einstein, Marie Curie, and Isaac Newton. By the way, the acronym G.O.A.T. implies that there can only be one G.O.A.T., not three, or 10. I’m sure that Marie Curie and Isaac Newton are ruing their runner-up performance, but, in their post-award ceremony interviews will likely say such things as, “it’s an honor just to be nominated,” and, “Albert is absolutely deserving of this honor,” and “why isn’t there any shrimp on this buffet table?”
You may be asking yourself, as I am, at this point: “Are there any categories which have been sadly neglected when it comes to identifying a G.O.A.T.?
I believe the answer to that question is: yes.
Oh, you wanted me to elaborate? I thought you’d never ask. My “missing link” categories, and my suggested G.O.A.T. candidates include:
G.O.A.T. Homemade Picnic Tables - my nominee in this category is a picnic table handcrafted by me and my brother-in-law, Bob, back in the mid-1980’s, to accommodate the large group of family members who regularly visited the family cottage in southeast Michigan. The table we built, of weather-proof wood, was ten-feet long, and included two benches for seating which were just as long. I estimate that construction of this table took us four days to complete, included roughly seventeen trips to the hardware store, and likely cost north of $1,500 (excluding our highly-unskilled labor) - that’s $32,500 in today’s dollars, I think. And, the picnic table and benches survive to this day, although a bit of support work has been performed over the years.
G.O.A.T. Home-Based Snowmaking Operation - the clear winner in this category is my snow-obsessed son, Tim, who, at the tender age of thirteen or fourteen, dragged me to Home Depot with a very specific shopping list, including an air compressor, and some other doodads and doohickeys (aisle seven, if I’m not mistaken, contains both doodads and doohickeys), with which he set out to build his own snowmaking machine. Imagine the surprise on the faces of our neighbors, when they viewed the fresh-fallen (er, freshly-created) snow on our lawn, and no one else’s - priceless! Actually, the picnic table might have been a bargain when compared with this project, but Tim’s shopping list at least minimized the number of hardware store trips.
G.O.A.T. Award-Winning Columnist - wait, what? You thought I was talking about Rule of Three? Perish the thought - some of the greats I had in mind were: Walter Winchell, Mike Royko, Art Buchwald, Dave Barry, Jimmy Breslin, Russell Baker, and William Safire - who is your choice as the G.O.A.T.? As for me, “it’s an honor just to be nominated,” and, “Walter is absolutely deserving of this honor,” and “why isn’t there any shrimp on this buffet table?”
Now that we’ve exhaustively covered the G.O.A.T. topic, I think we can safely retire it once and for all - thanks, LSSU for providing the spark necessary to grieve and move on. Now, all that remains is to let Tom Brady know that he will no longer be known as the G.O.A.T. - I’m sure that’s the toughest news he will have faced in the last year.
Are you curious, as I am, what word led LSSU’s banished words list that first year: 1976? It was actually a phrase: “At this point in time.” Hmm, someone needs to let Tom Brady know that he shouldn’t use that phrase again.
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Mike Royko gets my GOAT vote.
My wife makes GOAT curry, sometimes even with goat.