When looking to purchase a product or contract for a service, consumers regularly turn to others for advice. Increasingly, they are not seeking this advice from trusted family members or friends, but instead look to random strangers who have shared their thoughts in the “reviews” section on Yelp and many other apps and websites. Remember when George Bailey, prompted by a cigarette advertisement in It’s a Wonderful Life, decided to ask his dad for help when he suspected the pharmacist of unwittingly combining poison with a medication?
Perhaps the advertising tagline today would be, “Ask a random stranger, he has time on his hands, and has invested some of that time in promulgating his (unsolicited) views on a website.”
But, what do we know about these random strangers, in whom we have placed such trust? We here at Rule of Three believe that reviews should be provided on those providing reviews regarding products or services. What? Too meta for you?
We here at Rule of Three learned a good many things during the course of our exhaustive research regarding reviewers. One of the first places we examined was Yelp, which, according to their website, “. . .connects people with great local businesses.” A cornerstone of Yelp’s services is publishing reviews from random strangers, so that element dovetails nicely with the mission of this column.
The first sample we chose on Yelp’s site was Applebee’s Grill & Bar - yes, we clicked on the restaurant category, and Applebee’s was the very first listing (Rule of Three’s Research Department is nothing if not lazy). First of all - Applebee’s - really? You need to visit Yelp to gain an understanding of what Applebee’s provides? In any event, Yelp reflected thirty-eight reviews for this particular Applebee’s, located in Cranberry Township, PA, which yielded an apparent average rating of about 2-1/2 stars, out of a possible five stars - that sounds about right for Applebee’s.
In order to provide you with a bit more insight into those 2-1/2 stars, allow me to share with you a relatively positive review, this from Curt W., who lives in Cranberry Township, and offered Applebee’s four stars, indicating that: “Applebee's is never going to have any surprises. They do a good job all the time. Their employees seem to enjoy their jobs. I had their "whiskey cheeseburger" without tomato ( don't care for raw tomatoes) . The sandwich was very sloppy because it had so many ingredients....... But...........it was delicious. I really enjoyed it along with the perfectly done Fries. To make it a really good experience our server, Leah, was great and the Mgr coming by the table to check on us was a nice touch. We will be back!”
Now, you should know that Curt W. has been tagged as an “Elite 2023” reviewer. What exactly does that mean, you ask? According to Yelp’s website, the “Yelp Elite Squad” (“YES!”) “. . .is a diverse community of passionate writers, photographers, and adventurers.” And, apparently belonging to a diverse community of passionate writers, photographers, and adventurers entitles you to enjoy “. . .scoring exclusive invites to amazing local events and meet-ups. From cocktails on boats to playdates with penguins. . .” In other words, free stuff.
Anyway, thanks, Curt W., for the helpful advice regarding what to expect during our next visit to Applebee’s, including the insider knowledge that it is possible to order the whiskey cheeseburger without tomato. We were also quite excited to hear about the unexpected visit to your table from the Monsignor. What’s that? We’ve just been informed that “Mgr” might not be the abbreviation for Monsignor, but instead might mean “Manager”; well, that’s very different, and not at all exciting. Also, enjoy your playdate with penguins.
In order to provide you with balanced reporting, we feel it’s only fair to share with you one of the less-positive reviews, which served to trim Curt W.’s four stars down to an average of about 2-1/2 stars. For this, we turn to Sarah K., from Buffalo, NY, who reported that, “I would give this place less than 1 star if I could. The employees are rude, the food and service are terrible. I saw my waiter and a young waitress having sex in a car in the parking lot. Who wants to eat somewhere when there are people having sex in the parking lot? Isn't that against the law?? It's unsanitary and gross!! All I could think about was pubes being in my food, like the movie waiting. I may never eat out again after that experience. Truly, in the time of covid, it's hard enough to eat out, knowing the staff is less than sanitary, makes it obsolete for me. I will not return. The manager is aware of the activities and made no necessary changes.”
Well, Sarah K., I don’t know how things are done in Buffalo, but here in Cranberry Township, it’s quite common for waiters and waitresses to have sex in a car in the parking lot - perhaps it’s simply too cold and snowy in Buffalo. The other question we have regarding your review is your reference to “the movie waiting” - to clarify, is there a movie entitled, “Waiting” that somehow escaped the attention of the Rule of Three Film Criticism Division? Or, are you referring to a fairly recent movie theater phenomenon, in which theaters employ waiters and waitresses who deliver food and drinks directly to your movie theater seat? It is perhaps this lack of clarity in your reporting which has prevented you from earning your “Yelp Elite Squad” badge of honor, and deprived you of the opportunity to enjoy a playdate with penguins. Additionally, the fact that the manager (and, presumably, the Monsignor) is aware of the activities and made no necessary changes suggests to me that the manager was simply subscribing to the time-tested theory that “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”
Rule of Three is considering enhancing its subscriber benefits to include playdates with penguins - if that appeals to you, simply click the button here to subscribe to Rule of Three - it's free!
Another website which relies upon reviewer feedback to spur purchases is Amazon. A visit to Amazon’s website, and a subsequent click to the “Best Sellers” section directed our attention to “Crocs Unisex-Adult Classic Clog”, which has attracted 407,449 reviews, and has earned an average rating of 4.8 stars out of five. After thoughtfully reading each and every review, Rule of Three can report that. . .alright, you got us, we didn’t read every friggin’ review - we cherry-picked a couple, chosen entirely for comedic value - still, 407,449 reviews - that’s something, huh?
Dani E. entitled her review “Can’t beat crocs”, and she reports that, “I have real crocs and my daughter had some knock-off crocs. (I thought were generally the same!) Well… I borrowed hers one day as they were by the door and I was in a hurry to run outside and do something. At every step I could feel every rock on our gravel driveway poking into my feet through the knock-offs! When I got back inside I told her those were trash and ordered these to replace the old ones. She is thrilled with how they look and feel. She wears them all the around the homestead; in the creek, up and down the gravel driveway, around the house, etc. They are WAY better than any knock-offs and will last her for years.”
Dani E., that is a ringing endorsement: “They are WAY better than any knock-offs and will last her for years.” That is literally music to the ears of Mick Jagger and the boys in the Rolling Stones, but kind of disheartening to the likes of: “Jumping Jack Flash”; “Stony Rollers”; and “The Ultimate Stones” - three Rolling Stones cover bands. Also, that gravel driveway of yours sounds like quite a challenge to navigate - maybe consider pavement of some sort. And, we would be remiss if we didn’t ask who bought your daughter the “knock-off crocs” - trying to save a little dough, eh, Dani? Is your daughter not worth the price of the real ones? I suspect that your parental cruelty has inflicted tremendous harm on your poor, innocent daughter, which will require years of therapy.
And again, in the interest of fairness, on the lower end of the star scale in the pantheon of Crocs reviews, we discovered P.W., whose review was entitled, “Like walking on a bed of nails.” P.W. indicates that, “I want to like these but I can't. The footbed of the shoe--the part that touches your feet--has little "nubs" all over which poke into the bottom of your feet. If you have any foot issues (neuropathy, poor circulation, sensitivity, etc.) these are probably not going to be comfortable for you. Everyone knows they're ugly as sin, but I could tolerate the look for the sake of comfort. Unfortunately, I can't wear them because they hurt my feet.”
P.W., you say you want to like these Crocs, but I get the sense that you’re not really committed to liking them. I mean, of course they’re ugly, and extremely uncomfortable, but, beyond those two minor product imperfections, are you unable to find anything about them that you appreciate? Perhaps the dog finds them distasteful, and therefore, doesn’t deign to chew them? Or, they’re made of 100% synthetic material, guaranteed to never decompose, and therefore, will outlive your great-great-grandchildren? Or, that they are extremely lightweight? C’mon, man, meet us halfway, here!
A third website which incorporates customer reviews into its marketing materials is Tripadvisor.
A sample review included on the site is from Shae, who provides this review of a hotel property named, The Grove, in Orlando, FL, headlined, “BOOK SVONNE FOR A MASSAGE. THANK ME LATER.”: “Listen….the grove feels like a secret which I love BUT the highlight of my quick weekend at the grove was going to the spa and getting a massage. Listen to me and reread this sentence : REQUEST SVONNE. Life changing. I thought I had experienced great massages before but SVONNE set the bar, so nice, great energy, very knowledgeable and takes her craft seriously. I felt like a new person and walked out floating. Counting the days until I go back. 100/10 The grove is located close to many other attractions in orlando but you honestly don’t need to leave if you’ve seen it all, beautiful views, easy check in and check out process, friendly staff. These are essentially apartments, very spacious!”
Alright, Shae, we gotta’ be honest - this review seems to be more about your experience with Svonne, than about your stay at The Grove. And, here at Rule of Three, we don’t judge - you know, what you do on your own time. . .But, and don’t take this the wrong way, what if the potential traveler simply wasn’t interested in a massage, or, let’s say that Svonne was out sick, and the traveler had to settle for another masseuse - your review wouldn’t have been all that helpful, now would it? And, we’re curious about the math you’re using to count the days until you go back - “100/10”? If we perform that math, it sounds as if you plan on returning to The Grove in ten days - is that correct?
Once again, in order to balance the ledger here, a review provided by Jung Hwang was titled, “Cockroaches” - uh-oh, that can’t be good. Jung Hwang provides this analysis: “After a lengthy check in process, we were greeted with a room with a very unpleasant smell.. We didn’t want to go through the hassle of dealing with the front desk again so decided to get some candles and febreeze and deal with it. While the room is an ideal size for families, our trip quickly turned sour when we were greeted with multiple cockroaches during our stay. if you’re like me and you can’t stand cockroaches, stay far away”
Thanks, Jung Hwang, for this handy travel tip: Always include a bottle of Febreze and several candles in your carry-on baggage, in order to stave off unpleasant smells in your hotel room, upon arriving at your destination. Although, apparently, those tools are not effective against cockroaches. And, unless you’re a member of the Society for the Preservation and Advancement of Cockroaches (“SPAC”), The Grove might not be the place for you; I understand the 2024 SPAC convention is planned for next June at The Grove. By the way, Jung’s description of his encounter with the cockroaches really came alive for me: “. . .we were greeted with multiple cockroaches during our stay. . .” Are you picturing, as I am, ten or 12 young cockroaches, standing upright, lounging as if at a cocktail party, each clutching a cocktail, some smoking cigarettes, and chatting with each other, a couple noticing you approaching them, and glancing toward you, tipping their glasses in your direction, or with a simple nod to you, while greeting you with a “Hey, how are you doing?”
So, as you can see, reviews should be taken with a grain of salt - not all reviewers are created equal. In fact, maybe you should just “Ask Dad.”
If you were to ask Dad right now whether or not you should subscribe to Rule of Three, I'm pretty sure that he would instruct you to simply click the button here to subscribe to Rule of Three - it's free!
Thank you Bill, nice column. It occurs to me TripAdvisor should have a label or status ala YELP’s “YES”. I have no idea how many trips Shae ( or massages ) or Jung have taken, what are their tastes, likes, dislikes and so forth. If Jung had said “we have taken our family to Orlando, at Spring Break, for 15 years and the Grove was …blah blah...” Then we would have some frame of reference and his post could be helpful. For all we know Shae’s experience with massage could be sitting a lounge massage chair at The Sharper Image in the mall. We will likely never know.
In order to post you should have to qualify as a Frequent And Reoccurring Traveler (FART) by some agreed on measures. If you are able to maintain this status over time you could achieve Old FART status. TripAdvisor please call with any questions.
My weekend is all planned out: First I buy some Crocs, then I walk to Applebee's for the whiskey cheeseburger without tomato, and then I head to The Grove to meet Svonne.