I know what you’re thinking: Wait, there actually is a vending machine which dispenses cars? I know, I figured it was purely a marketing gimmick, created for a TV commercial through some sort of CGI application, you know like the dinosaurs in the Jurassic Park movies - wait, those are real too? But, it turns out there are actual Carvana car vending machines - twenty-four of them thus far in the U.S. And, extending the conceit, purchasers of Carvana’s used cars receive an oversized coin, which they are instructed to insert into the (also oversized) coin slot, and which initiates a process in which the purchaser’s car is lowered into a “delivery bay.”
This process mimics the steps you and I go through to purchase a delicious Snickers bar from a vending machine, inserting a couple of quarters into the coin slot, and then, when the Snickers bar becomes entangled in the wire-mechanism, and doesn’t drop down into the candy vending machine “delivery bay,” banging on the glass front of the machine, and attempting to rock the machine (which typically weighs 650 pounds, according to ornateresidence.com), hopefully dislodging the Snickers bar from the clutches of the wire-mechanism, and, ultimately, giving up, and surfacing another couple of quarters, and depressing the Snickers bar button once again, ending up with two Snickers bars in the candy vending machine “delivery bay.”
Three questions occur to me regarding Carvana’s unique used car delivery system:
Do Carvana purchasers ever find themselves in the position of banging on the glass, in order to jump-start the Carvana vending machine, which has stopped operating, before delivering their new car to the “delivery bay?”
If Carvana purchasers do pound on the glass, without results, do they ever resort to inserting a second oversized coin into the oversized coin slot, and end up with two used cars in the “delivery bay,” both of which they are then obliged to pay for?
Have candy bar purveyors ever considered adopting Carvana’s business model of selling used products via their vending machine? Eww, that would be gross!
Now, Carvana’s vending machines are inarguably unique, and do not represent the vending machine landscape now, or in the past. Perhaps an exploration of the more-mainstream vending machine applications is in order. Certainly we’re all familiar with machines dispensing soft drinks, candy, and other snack items. You might have even tapped machines yielding CD’s, DVD’s, or video game cartridges. A bit further afield are machines which apparently offer up office supplies, such as pens, pencils, and flash drives, according to opinionfront.com (I can’t think of one time in which I encountered such a machine, but when has opinionfront.com ever lied to us?).
Apparently, there are numerous vending machine options sprinkled around the world providing what I would call “non-shelf-stable” food items, including: burgers (Moscow); mashed potatoes (Singapore); and caviar (Los Angeles) - of course you can get caviar from a vending machine in Los Angeles - that makes perfect sense, doesn’t it?
Much to my surprise, cigarette vending machines are still in existence. Those machines were ubiquitous in the 1960’s, and made sense when a pack of cigarettes could be had for 30-cents, but now that that same pack of cigarettes might cost you twenty-six dollars (and a lung), you would have to invest a lot of time and energy pumping quarters into a vending machine to secure that prized possession.
And, let’s not forget those small vending machines installed in gas station bathrooms; c’mon, you know what I’m talking about. I’m not sure it’s wise to trust that particular marketplace with such an important interpersonal task.
I suppose banking ATM’s are also a kind of vending machine. Personally, I derive much greater satisfaction from securing a delicious Snickers bar than I do retrieving (my own!) money.
Because innovation is our middle name, enterprising American entrepreneurs are no doubt hard at work identifying which products can be delivered via vending machines. I mean, after all, vending machines provide tremendous benefit to those wishing to sell products, including:
Vastly-reduced staffing requirements (and, I think we can all agree right here and now that employees are a constant source of irritation - yes, I too am an employee, and freely admit that I am a constant source of irritation to my employer).
Lower capital investment (you know, placing a 650-pound vending machine on a fairly small footprint, rather than building, purchasing, or renting an attractive retail store space, which, by the way, would have to be manned by employees, who as we’ve discussed, are a constant source of irritation).
Reduced operating cost (there are utilities, taxes, and copier toner - yeah, I guess that’s about it, in addition to the cost of employees, who are a constant source of. . .well, you know).
And, let’s not neglect the benefits enjoyed by consumers - I can think of at least three such benefits:
The ability to purchase goods without that pesky interaction with a human being.
Immediate access to those goods at any time of day or night.
Avoiding distractions such as healthy food options (e.g. carrots, celery, or tofu), when selecting something edible, such as a cupcake, potato chips, or a delicious Snickers bar.
As these enterprising American entrepreneurs, whose middle names might, or might not be “Innovation,” I hope that there are a few products which they will studiously avoid, in the interest of preventing imminent disaster. Perhaps you will agree with me that the following items should never be dispensed from a vending machine:
Guns - no matter where any of us stands on the 2nd Amendment, I think it’s clear to all of us that the ability to push the button on a vending machine for “.44 Magnum,” or “.38 Revolver,” or “AR-15 semi-automatic rifle,” is just not a good idea. I mean, guns are already easily accessible at gun shows, from gang members, and in your dad’s bedside table.
Puppies - Aww, aren’t they cute? But, they probably don’t belong in a vending machine. You know, because simply being for sale in a vending machine doesn’t relieve them of their need to. . .well. . .relieve themselves.
Life insurance - Whole Life? Term? Universal? I don’t see anybody pushing any of those buttons.
I don’t know about you, but I suddenly have a hankering (it is too a real word) for a delicious Snickers bar.
Shameless Marketing Tactics
Do you feel compelled to offer your two cents on this column’s topic? Feel free, free, free to do just that right here.
Hey! If you enjoyed this column, why not subscribe now? That way, you’ll never miss the latest Rule of Three offering. And, it’s free, free, free!
Or, perhaps you’d like to share this column with a friend. Also, free, free, free!
Or, perhaps you’d like to provide a point of entry to that friend to the entire world of Rule of Three. Yep, you guessed it, free, free, free!