I was subjected to the rare display of the “double-middle-finger salute” while out motoring recently. And, the worst part of the experience was that I had absolutely no clue as to the nature of my transgression. I’m not denying responsibility, mind you, but, it seems as if I should at least have an inkling of how I was able to inspire such rage.
Never mind that the gentleman who engineered the obscene gesture was driving one of those massive pickup trucks, boosted even higher by the vehicular equivalent of “lifts” inserted into footwear, intended to make the wearer appear taller than he actually is, while I was driving a normal, human being-sized sedan, a Honda Accord.
If you’ve ever been to one of those monster truck shows, you will instantly recognize the pickup truck as something akin to “Grave Digger,” or “Bigfoot,” or “Accord Crusher.” So, you can understand why I determined to “turn the other cheek,” rather than escalating the confrontation.
By the way, I wonder how monster truck shows will be recast, once the nascent electric vehicle (EV) revolution is complete, likely within a dozen years or so. As I understand it, the unfettered, ear-shattering engine noise, which is a key attribute of monster truck shows, simply does not exist with EV’s. Will that engine noise be piped-in, much like laugh tracks were added to sitcoms being filmed, in the absence of studio audiences (or, perhaps, audiences that didn’t find the sitcoms funny)?
An analogy to this dilemma is the shift away from landline telephones, which could be slammed down in anger, to cellphones, which disconnect phone calls with a virtually inaudible “bloop” - note to the Apple iPhone app software designer team: including a “Slam the phone down in the cradle” button, which would provide that throwback experience when ending phone calls would be pure genius!
In any event, it is exactly this confusion, resulting from my recent road rage experience, which inspires my call today for the establishment of a national database to document all of these interactions on the road; this tool, to be named the “Road Rage Registry,” or the “Triple-R,” which sounds an awful lot like a working cattle ranch, would serve as a clearinghouse for all road rage encounters.
Drawing upon the experience of bird-watchers, who meticulously document their encounters with various species of birds, this database should include the following information:
Date of the road rage incident.
Location of the encounter, including street or highway name (indicating cross-streets also helpful).
Time of day and weather conditions present.
Traffic volume estimate (i.e. congested, medium, light).
Description of the road rage victim’s vehicle.
Description of the road rage perpetrator’s vehicle.
Color of plumage (my bad, that’s a box contained in the Audubon Society bird-watching guide).
Indication of any flags or other external vehicle paraphernalia mounted on victim’s vehicle - e.g. American flag; Confederate flag; “Don’t Tread on Me” flag.
Detail of any bumper stickers affixed to victim’s vehicle - e.g. “My Son is an Honor Student;” or “Baby on Board;” or a depiction of a stick-figure family of twelve, plus six pets.
A 3-part question: Part 1: Is there a gun-rack mounted inside victim’s vehicle? Part 2: Was the gun de-mounted during the incident? Part 3: Was the gun fired during the incident?
Detailed description of the incident - e.g. “improper lane change, cutting off victim;” “painfully-slow speed, causing victim to drive slower than desired;” or “distracted driving, such as texting, applying makeup, or eating soup, resulting in victim being exposed to horrifying, abhorrent behavior.”
Description of victim response - e.g. “loud swearing;” “shaking of fists;” or “extension of middle-finger towards perpetrator.”
Perceived response of perpetrator to expression of road rage - e.g. “contrite or apologetic appearance;” “return volley of road rage expression;” or “look of confusion or innocence” (Note: this is the response my road rage victim should have logged).
With the “Triple-R” in place, a confused road rage perpetrator such as I now has a readily-accessible place to turn to confirm his wrongdoing.
And, while we’re working towards making the world a more transparent place regarding road rage, there are a few other areas of misconduct deserving of establishing a central repository of occurrences. These registries might include: the “Registry of Loud Cellphone Talkers in Public Spaces”; the “Registry of Those Wearing Baseball Caps Backward in Public”; and the “Registry of Country Music Enthusiasts”.
With increased awareness of these critical social justice issues, hope abounds that these scourges can be eradicated in our lifetime.
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