Rule of Three Gives Us "The Willies"
The results are in regarding the most impactful guys named Willie.
Rule of Three has been tasked with the critically-important job of culling through the voluminous details of the many famous “Willies” in history, and identifying the three most quintessential guys named “Willie.” (some might argue that there cannot be degrees of quintessentiality - i.e. the word, quintessential is defined as “representing the most perfect or most typical example of something. . .,” implying that there is no room for gradations for this attribute. My response to this concern is, “Hey man, get a life! Leave the senseless detours down nitpicky rabbit-holes to the experts. . .you know, me!”)
Why not “Joes,” or “Bobbys,” or “Georges,” you ask? No doubt there are quintessential Joes, and Bobbys, and probably even Georges, too (George Costanza leaps to mind, as well as George Steinbrenner, and George Washington), but Willie just speaks to me in a way that the others do not.
Unlike most reveals, which save the winners for last, I will launch immediately into the three quintessential Willies, forthwith:
Willie Sutton - Willie Sutton was a prolific bank robber in the early 20th century, who inspired the likely-apocryphal story of his being asked why he robbed banks - his reply, the absurdly simple, “Because that’s where the money is.” Even if he never said it, I think we can all agree that it’s brilliant.
“Wee Willie” Keeler - “Wee Willie” played major league baseball for teams in New York and Baltimore (I’m omitting the team names, because most of them are no longer recognizable, including the “Grooms,” “Highlanders,” and the Superbas.” He did play for the Baltimore Orioles, but I believe that was before the Orioles were recognized as a major league team.), in an even-earlier stretch of the 20th century than Willie Sutton’s time. Keeler came by his nickname honestly, as he stood 5’4-1/2” tall, and weighed 140 pounds. And, “Wee Willie’s” claim to fame also includes a famous soundbite, which he may or may not have said: “Hit ‘em where they ain’t” - the implication being that a hitter should endeavor to hit the pitched baseball to an area not occupied by an opposing fielder. Now you see why “Rule of Three” is never quoted in research papers, and news articles - our observations, although infused with tremendous clarity, don’t fit easily as a slogan on a t-shirt.
“Willy” Loman - I know that Willy Loman is a fictional character, but I fervently believe that he belongs in this pantheon of “Willies.” His candidacy is further hindered by the alternate spelling of his name, but here at Rule of Three we do not discriminate against anyone due to race, color, creed, gender, nation of origin, spelling of name, or lack of existence - our corporate by-laws are quite clear. Setting aside that controversy for the moment, Willy Loman is of course the protagonist of Arthur Miller’s play, Death of a Salesman, which debuted on Broadway in 1949, and starred Lee J. Cobb as Willy, “a 63-year-old travelling salesman from Brooklyn with 34 years of experience with the same company who endures a pay cut and a firing during the play,” according to Wikipedia - Willy is, in essence, a “sad-sack.” And I, for one, believe that sad-sacks should have their due.
So, there you have it, the quintessential “Willies.” What’s that, you think we’ve erred, and omitted some obvious front-runners? Well, as I learned in sophomore geometry class at New Trier East High School, in Winnetka, Illinois, one should show his work. In fact, my math teacher back then, whose name escapes me, insisted that we scrawl “Q.E.D.” at the bottom of the page, at the conclusion of our notes, in which we had solved a math problem - Q.E.D. representing the Latin phrase, “Quid est demonstrandum,” which my three years of high school Latin suggests to me meant, “Thus has it been demonstrated.” Considering the tremendous clarity yielded by observations included in virtually every Rule of Three weekly column, perhaps Q.E.D. should be reflected at the bottom of each column.
In the interest of showing our work, below is information regarding other “Willies” who we strongly considered during this process:
Willie Mays - you might wonder why the iconic picture of Willie Mays, making an incredible catch of a fly ball hit by Vic Wertz in the 1954 World Series, graces the top of this column, rather than one of the three quintessential “Willies” chosen. Well, let me tell you, I dare say that you wouldn’t have been able to pick Willie Sutton out of a police lineup (and, he appeared in many during his career); and “Wee Willie” Keeler’s face is not nearly as recognizable as Babe Ruth’s (a face not even his own mother could love), or Willie Mays’, for that matter; and, as highlighted above, Willy Loman is a fictional character. The “Say Hey Kid,” as Willie Mays was christened early in his career, had a very long and productive career in major league baseball, hitting 660 home runs, which places him sixth on the all-time home-run leader list. Willie would have been a fine choice to lead the band of Willies, but, in the end there was only room for three.
Willie Nelson - speaking of leading the band of Willies, who better than Willie Nelson? The longtime country musician is known for his role in developing the musical sub-genre, “Outlaw Country,” and for his prolific intake of marijuana during his lifetime.
Willie Stargell - a nod to the ever-growing cadre of dedicated Rule of Three readers based in Pittsburgh, “Pops,” as he was known later in his career, smacked 475 home-runs, during his career with the Pittsburgh Pirates, which included two World Series winning teams (1971 and 1979). (Ed. note: To current Pittsburgh Pirates fans: The World Series is a group of games played at the very end of the season, between the best team in the National League and the best team in the American League - the winning team receives a trophy, and the city in which that team resides typically hosts a parade honoring the team, which significantly snarls traffic - don’t fret - you needn’t worry about traffic issues for the foreseeable future, as long as Bob Nutting is the owner of the team.) Stargell was also instrumental in adopting Sister Sledge’s hit song, “We Are Family” as an anthem for the Pirates during its noteworthy 1979 season - I don’t mean to suggest that Stargell played an instrument on that Sister Sledge album - I simply mean that he encouraged its airplay at the ballpark, and at other Pirates-related events. I also choose to ignore the fact that Stargell’s given first name was “Wilver” - to me, that’s close enough to be housed within the “Willie” family, and after all. . .”We Are Family!”
Willie Shoemaker - this one probably deserves an asterisk, because, although Wikipedia leads with “Bill” Shoemaker, imdb.com reflects “Willie.” What’s further confusing to me is why Willie Shoemaker is listed in imdb.com - he was a world-class jockey, and held the world record for most horse-racing victories as a jockey for twenty-nine years, a notable accomplishment. The Rule of Three research team discovered that “Willie” Shoemaker was credited with acting in a public service announcement (PSA) in the early 1980’s for NASA, with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Wait. . .what? That’s all it takes to be listed in imdb.com? Why do I not appear in their database? After all, I can claim credit to the role of Mr. Bumble in the popular musical, “Oliver,” performed by the 8th-grade class at Joseph Sears Elementary School, in Kenilworth, Illinois, in 1974 - an (likely) award-winning star turn.
Willy the orca (killer) whale - Willy, the eponymous star of the 1993 film, Free Willy, is freed from captivity with help from a human co-conspirator (of course he was helped by a human - I mean, whales lack opposable thumbs, which would probably be useful in executing an escape from captivity - had he still been around in 1993, Willy could have sought the counsel of Willie Sutton, who engineered three prison escapes during his illustrious career). As noted above, we did not hold the spelling of Willy’s name against him during this review process; ironically, Keiko, the whale who played Willy in the film, possesses seven film acting credits, according to imdb.com, six more than Willie Shoemaker, for those of you keeping score at home.
This concludes our definitive reporting on all things “Willie.” Do you believe there are other “Willies” we should have included in our reportage? Be sure to tune in next week, when we tackle the topic of quintessential “Keanus.”
Q.E.D.
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Bill,
This is a solid column, as always, thank you.
No issue with the three, Shoemaker and Nelson are good additions. I believe adding our 42nd President is in order - Slick Willie and his cigar moves - as well as Willy Wonka ( played by both Gene Wilder and Johnny Depp), a big favorite amongst many and of course those who name body parts might chime in with another.
Looking forward to Keanus week.
MJP