Tomorrow we’ll all be watching Super Bowl LVI (that’s “56” to you and me, because, you know, we don’t live in Rome roughly 1,600 years ago), a matchup of the Rams and the Bengals in a football game at SoFi Stadium in Los Angeles, yes, but an event which is so much more, off the field. Super Bowl hoopla has long been as significant as the game itself. As you can see by the headline of today’s column, this event, however, pales in comparison to the depth and breadth of Rule of Three, which, with today’s column, logs installment number LXXVIII (what, I gotta’ do the math for you on this one, too? Alright, settle down, it’s “78”). What is clear is that Rule of Three not only has two “X’s” not claimed by the Super Bowl, but also has two more “I’s,” so I got that going for me. . .which is nice.
That’s an inebriated Tom Brady, pictured atop this column, tossing the Vince Lombardi trophy to a group of drunken celebrants in a different boat during a celebratory boat parade in the Hillsborough River, in Tampa, after he led his new team, the Buccaneers, to victory in Super Bowl LV (c’mon, man, even you can do the math - it was just last year, for Chrissake!).
Perhaps “trophy tossing” will become a new tradition attached to the Super Bowl, much like, “I’m going to DisneyWorld,” or “wardrobe malfunctions” during the halftime show, or “Super Bowl Shuffle” videos performed by uniquely rhythm-challenged football players, such as certain members of the 1985 Bears (I’m looking at you, Steve Fuller).
Since I had never read “Fear and Loathing at the Super Bowl,” a long article by “gonzo journalist” (not a great name for a band, but a perfectly serviceable name - like, if the various members of a band each offered-up a band name option, and the top options were subjected to a vote, but couldn’t deliver a clear winner, “gonzo journalist” could be an acceptable compromise choice) Hunter S. Thompson, published in Rolling Stone, on February 28, 1974, in the interest of background research, I took the opportunity to read it, a scant forty-eight years after its initial publication. What does this article have to do with the Rams and the Bengals? Nothing. But, it is part of Super Bowl lore, and therefore constitutes a critical backdrop which more effectively prepares us to immerse ourselves in the Super Bowl experience. Herewith are my findings upon digesting this groundbreaking reporting from the preeminent gonzo journalist (let’s be honest, this type of journalism is not really journalism - perhaps it should be characterized as short, non-fiction writing):
Hunter S. Thompson suffered from severe mental health issues, likely exacerbated by excessive illegal drug use.
I was a bit surprised to read snippets of cogent NFL analysis sprinkled into Thompson’s piece, indicating that, on some level, he was an NFL fan, and actually possessed some knowledge of the game.
Duane Thomas was probably right about the Super Bowl.
What’s that, you’ve never heard of Duane Thomas? Well, let me educate you right now. Duane Thomas was a young running back for the Dallas Cowboys, who beat the Miami Dolphins in Super Bowl VI (that’s right, six), in 1972, by a score of 24-3. During the exhaustive Super Bowl week media onslaught, a petulant Thomas was asked how he felt playing in the “ultimate game.” His response was, “If it’s the ultimate (game), how come they’re playing it again next year?”
Thompson’s lengthy piece covers everything you would ever need to know about the Super Bowl, from incoherent rants he delivered outside a hotel room, in an atrium setting, many floors above hotel guests milling about the lobby floor (maybe that’s “fear”), to crappy, free hospitality spreads barraged by sportswriters every day for a week (let’s call that “loathing”). Thanks, Hunter, for preparing us so well for Super Bowl viewing.
But, philosophy aside, the Super Bowl is really about the snacks, and the halftime entertainment, and the commercials (although Super Bowl commercials are no longer embargoed until they air during the Super Bowl - I’m pretty sure you can view them all you want right now). So, here’s what I’m hoping to see tomorrow:
The snacks - I wouldn’t say no to a solid batch of nachos (with a healthy dose of cheese, topped with jalapenos and sour cream); jumbo shrimp with cocktail sauce is always welcome; and, ensuring that all three major food groups are represented, a cherry crumble dessert. But, that’s just me - you do you.
Halftime entertainment - since performers need to be engaged prior to the show date, we have access to the list of those who will be performing: Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, Eminem, Mary J. Blige, and Kendrick Lamar. I’m familiar with Snoop Dogg’s work with Martha Stewart and with Corona beer, but, alas, I’m not tapped-in to his music, or the music of any of these other artists - does that make me an out-of-touch, old fart? Don’t answer that, it was a rhetorical question. We’ve come a long way from Super Bowl I (one), which featured marching bands from the University of Arizona and Grambling University. A quick review of halftime performers over the years yields my short list of favorite performers:
Carol Channing (1970) - c’mon, this one would’ve been worth the price of admission, including a rousing rendition of “Hello Dolly,” no doubt.
A Salute to the Big Band Era with Up with People (1980) - Up with People was virtually a self-parody since their inception in the 1970’s - definitely in my Top Ten.
“Blues Brothers Bash” featuring Dan Ackroyd, John Goodman, James Belushi, James Brown, and ZZ Top (1997) - I hope this show did not include any music at all, and simply featured a clip of John Belushi and Dan Ackroyd, from The Blues Brothers film, as they prepared to return to Chicago. . .enjoy. . .
(Dis)Honorable Mention: Paul McCartney (2005), The Rolling Stones (2006), and The Who (2010) - all great performers, but the Super Bowl was a bit tardy in booking these bands. . .by more than twenty-five years in each case.
Bruce Springsteen & the E Street Band (2009) - yes, Bruce had been performing for many years by this point in his career, but, he doesn’t appear to age at all, and I’m sure the magic worked even then.
Steely Dan - yes, I know Steely Dan never performed at halftime of a Super Bowl, but they should have - clearly an oversight on the part of Super Bowl planners - of course, for a lot of years, they spent their time in the studio, and disdained touring, and performing in front of human beings, so, there’s that. . .
Commercials - I know the Clydesdales always garner a lot of votes in the “Greatest Super Bowl Commercial” contests, but the two cola purveyors, Coca-Cola, and Pepsi-Cola, have notched the two best of all time, in my humble opinion (IMHO, for those of you who are texting right now): the spots featuring Mean Joe Greene, and Cindy Crawford. Of course, the cost of airing a 30-second spot during the Super Bowl has increased from $37,500 extracted from advertisers during Super Bowl I, to the cost demanded for that same spot in tomorrow’s Super Bowl (LVI, for those of you keeping score at home): $6.5 million.
I’m delighted that I was here for you, and that I was able to provide this valuable public service to you, effectively preparing you for tomorrow’s festivities, including the “ultimate game.” Just remember, as Duane Thomas reminded us so many years ago, there will be yet another “ultimate game” available to us next year (“LVII,” if my 1,600-year-old math is good), and probably a few more after that. So, you’ll have many more chances to do it right.
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