Rule of Three's First Annual "Foodie" Edition

Highlighting current trends in the dining world.

Rule of Three’s Readership & Audience Development division has provided us with startling results from a recent study they conducted which indicates that a very large percentage of our subscriber base frequently engages in the practice of eating, whether at home, or by visiting restaurants. Well, Rule of Three is nothing if not responsive to the needs of its valued readers. Some might call targeting of column content pandering, but, we much prefer the term, “brown-nosing.”

In any event, we are pleased to publish, in today’s column, “Rule of Three's First Annual "Foodie" Edition,” intended to provide you with information designed to enhance your dining awareness, including spotlighting emerging trends and those key players to watch (and, to watch out for).

A recent trend which has grabbed our attention is the practice of procuring and eating pet cats and dogs in the Haitian community in Springfield, Ohio. Our first thought, naturally, was, how are pet cats and dogs best prepared, culinarily speaking? Are there family recipes which the Haitian community in Springfield, Ohio is willing to share with us?

Initiating a search on yahoo.com (What can I say? I’m a Yahoo guy, not a Google guy - old habits die hard), I sought the answer to the question, “How Haitians prepare cats and dogs for dinner.”

Imagine my surprise upon discovering that the solutions surfaced in response to my query did not contain one meaningful recipe which could be attempted in Rule of Three’s test kitchen. No, if I had to summarize, in one word, the overarching theme of the responses, it would be, “debunked;” as in, the suggestion that the Haitian community in Springfield was stealing and eating pet cats and dogs was unequivocally untrue.

One of the search results led me to a story posted on ancestraleating.org, entitled, “The Foods eaten by the people of Haiti.” (I know, I’m as puzzled as you are by the decision to capitalize the word, “Foods,” and to intentionally not capitalize any of the other words in the headline, other than “The,” which leads the phrase, and “Haiti,” which is properly capitalized, as the name of a country. All I can say is the author of this piece must be using a different reference guide than the longtime bible of the usage of English grammar, the AP Stylebook. And, yes, I toyed ever-so-briefly with whether or not I should capitalize the word, “bible,” included in the previous sentence; I landed on not capitalizing it, because I wasn’t referring to the actual Bible, a well-known, sacred religious text, but, rather, to “a publication that is preeminent especially in authoritativeness or wide readership,” according to merriam-webster.com).

I learned from my visit to ancestraleating.com that traditional Haitian foods include:

• Griot: Fried pork chunks, often served with pickled vegetables (pikliz).

• Poulet Aux Noix: Chicken in a tomato and cashew nut sauce.

• Akra: Fritters made from malanga, a type of root vegetable.

• Tchaka: A corn and bean stew, with meat or without.

• Bouillon: A hearty soup with meat and vegetables, often enjoyed on Saturdays.

See, not a single cat or dog in the bunch. Well now I’m beginning to think that the suggestion that the Haitian community in Springfield was stealing and eating pet cats and dogs was unequivocally untrue.

But, what of those people who prefer to dine out? Useful options abound, including incredibly-popular, extremely pricey, difficult-to-secure-reservations-at restaurants, as illustrated by this exchange which may, or may not have actually occurred:

Restaurant Server: “Welcome to Pretentious Cafe. We’re delighted that you are here with us this evening. Can I get you a cocktail to get you started?”

Dining Patron: “Yes, well, we’re delighted to be here. We made this reservation eight months ago. Do you have any signature cocktails?”

Restaurant Server: “I’m not surprised that it took that long to make a reservation - Pretentious Cafe has been quite popular. Might I suggest a ‘Rattle-tini?’ It’s made with vodka infused with rattlesnake venom, garnished with a small piece of pickled rattlesnake skin.”

Dining Patron: “Wait, what? Rattlesnake venom? Isn’t that, you know, poisonous?”

Restaurant Server: “Technically, yes, but Chef has developed a unique method to detoxify the venom, before introducing it to the vodka. So, two of those, then?”

Dining Patron: “Umm, okay, I guess.”

Restaurant Server: “Splendid. May I share with you tonight’s specials?”

Dining Patron: “Yes, we’d love to hear about them.”

Restaurant Server: “Tonight we are featuring a lovely dish: an artisanal, blackened trout dorsal fin, smothered in an Indonesian pomegranate seed reduction sauce, paired with a fragrant hickory bark slaw.”

Dining Patron: “That sounds lovely, although completely inedible - have you got other specials?”

Restaurant Server: “Absolutely - Chef is also providing us with a filet of goat cheeks, served with a delightful acorn/dandelion puree, accompanied by dung beetle croquettes.”

Dining Patron: “Boy, Chef is really pushing the envelope here, isn’t he?”

Restaurant Server: “Our final special this evening is one I’m sure you’ll enjoy: fire-roasted celery stalks, coated in a blue cheese marshmallow topping, with a beet compote on the side.”

Dining Patron: “Hmm - perhaps we should begin with dessert - anything chocolatey?”

Restaurant Server: “You are in luck, sir. Chef is famous for his maple-glazed barnacle nuggets.”

Dining Patron: “Hey honey! Do you think KFC is still open?” (shoutout to the 2003 film, “Old School”).

The third leg in our “Foodie Extravaganza” contains a bit of advice for you, in the unlikely event that you extend a dinner invitation to the award-winning Rule of Three columnist. Much as we vote against a particular political candidate, rather than vote for the candidate whom we support, or root for a particular football team to lose, rather than actively support the efforts of a team which we want to win a game, below is a “no-fly list” of foods which you are advised to avoid in your menu planning for this event:

• Marshmallows - that’s right, I’m not a fan. The s’mores that I enjoy are essentially Hershey bars wedged between graham crackers.

• Bananas - yeah, banana splits (created in Latrobe, Pennsylvania in 1904 by an optometrist by the name of David Strickler, for those of you looking to up your trivia contest game), chocolate-covered, frozen bananas on a stick (I think that’s really a thing - maybe at county fairs) and bananas foster, a flaming dessert (fabulously deployed by my brother, Dave, some years ago to set fire to his dining room table) are a “no-go” for me. In fact, when I am served a fruit cup at a local diner, my wife thoughtfully removes the offending banana slices immediately - she’s a keeper!

• Raisins - similar to the evolutionary journey caterpillars undergo in their journey to “butterfly-hood,” raisins begin their life as grapes, for which I have no objection, but, I have no use for those shriveled, wrinkly raisins (although, I must admit that the “California Raisins,” a fictional, animated, R&B band used to promote the sale of raisins back in the 1980’s was a clever marketing tool).

• Brussels Sprouts - I know Brussels sprouts are hot right now, and are often accessorized with ingredients such as bacon, chorizo or shallots, but, and hear me out here, why not simply mix those tasty accompaniments with something more palatable, such as macaroni & cheese, or grilled shrimp or spaghetti - i.e. eliminate the gross, slimy middleman?

• Sweet Potatoes - why opt for this objectionable brand of potato (which, as it turns out, is not actually considered to be a potato, but rather, a root vegetable within the nightshade family), when the tasty russet potato is right there? Which can be loaded up with butter, cheese, bacon, chives and scallions and sour cream. Also, sweet potatoes are usually prepared using marshmallows (see first ingredient on the “no-fly” list).

Rule of Three is delighted to have been able to provide this valuable information to the “foodie” community - Bon Appetit!

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