Screw the Tourists!

Tour guides can simply make stuff up - who would know?

My wife and I recently enjoyed some wonderful personal tours in a couple of Scandinavian cities, conducted by well-trained, knowledgeable tour guides. These professionals were armed with voluminous details regarding the local city’s history and culture - we learned a lot.

But, it occurs to me that they could have been feeding us a lot of hooey, and we would not have been positioned to call them out on their disinformation, because, you know, we were not armed with voluminous details regarding the local city’s history and culture.

Vince Vaughn starred in a 2006 movie entitled, The Break-Up, as a tour guide in Chicago (pictured above), but, I’ll be honest, I don’t recall much in that movie regarding his performance as a tour guide, likely because I was distracted by his co-star Jennifer Aniston’s star turn (and, by star turn, I mean that she appeared naked in the film).

But, I have to imagine that Vince Vaughn would be an entertaining tour guide, whether he was armed with voluminous details regarding the local city’s history and culture, or not. He seems as if he could simply weave plausible tales out of thin air.

If the director of The Break-Up had chosen to highlight Vaughn’s character’s day job, as a tour guide in Chicago, we might have experienced something like this:

Tour Guide: “And, on your left, you can see the Mike Royko building, constructed in 1983, after Royko won the Nobel Peace Prize.”

Tourist: “Royko won the Nobel Peace Prize? I thought he was a newspaper columnist.”

Tour Guide: “That’s correct, but later in his career he dedicated himself to establishing a lasting peace in the Middle East, and the Norwegian Nobel Committee recognized him for his efforts.”

Tourist: “But, isn’t there a full-blown war literally happening right now in Israel?”

Tour Guide: “Well, yes, but once the foundation for the building was poured, there was no turning back. And, over on this side is the original site of Wrigley Field, where the Cubs played in the early 1900’s.”

Tourist: “I thought the Cubs played in West Side Park before Wrigley Field was built in 1916. This is nowhere near that site.”

Tour Guide: “A common misconception. West Side Park wasn’t actually located on the west side of Chicago - the baseball field was simply located on the west side of the park which used to be right here. And, as we head further down LaSalle Street, we’ll pass by the pizzeria operated by Al Capone, which featured the very first deep-dish pizza made in Chicago.”

Tourist: “Al Capone’s Pizzeria? C’mon, man, you’re making that up.”

Tour Guide: “No, Capone was a very crafty gangster. He opened the pizzeria in order to launder the cash from his bootlegging operation. And, to his great surprise, his pizza was a big hit. And, over here is the Greek diner where Dick Butkus met Abbie Hoffman for coffee during the ‘68 Convention.”

Tourist: “Dick Butkus - the middle linebacker with the Bears? And, Abbie Hoffman? That seems like a pretty unlikely pair.”

Tour Guide: “Well, Nixon met with Elvis - that’s also a pretty unlikely pair. We’ll head north to Second City, where Hugh Hefner got his start on stage.”

Tourist: “Hefner? On stage?”

Tour Guide: “Yeah, he was at Second City before Belushi, and Bill Murray and Ackroyd; his standup career never really took off - that’s why he turned to magazine publishing. And, we’ll wrap-up the tour at the only building to survive the Great Chicago Fire: the Sears Tower.”

Tourist: “Alright, I know you’re off base on that - the Sears Tower opened in 1973, more than one hundred years after the Great Chicago Fire. And, it’s not called the Sears Tower - it’s the Willis Tower.”

Tour Guide: “I’m gonna’ have to stop you right there, cowboy - that building has always been the Sears Tower, and it always will be the Sears Tower. There’s no such thing as the Willis Tower - not for real Chicagoans. So, if you’re done insulting real Chicagoans, let’s move on to see the sights on State Street, that great street, where I saw a man he danced with his wife. . .”

Tourist: “Frank Sinatra, right?”

Tour Guide: “That’s right, sir. Up ahead is Marshall Fields’ flagship store, where Harry Caray filmed a commercial shirtless, clutching a bottle of Budweiser.”

Tourist: I know Harry liked to hang out in the bleachers shirtless, but I don’t recall the Marshall Fields commercial.”

Tour Guide: “Oh yeah, Harry was a real man-about-town. And, as we swing past the Museum of Science and Industry, we remember when Mayor Jane Byrne took up residence there for a couple of months, in an attempt to prevent the homeless from moving into the coal mine.”

Tourist: “I think you’ve confused her living arrangements - Jane Byrne moved into the Cabrini-Green housing project, in order to improve living conditions there.”

Tour Guide: “With all-due respect, sir, of the two of us, who has dedicated his professional life to unearthing minutiae regarding the city of Chicago, in order to become armed with voluminous details regarding the local city’s history and culture? You, or me?”

Tourist: “Well, I guess you have, but, I must say, some of the stories you’ve shared with us today are a bit implausible.”

Tour Guide: “Is that so? Now, I suppose you’re going to suggest that I’m lying when I point out where Hizzoner Mayor Richard J. Daley’s personal cabana stood right here on Oak Street Beach? Geez! You try to provide a little education to these country bumpkins, and this is the thanks you get?”

Well, at least that’s the way I envisioned it. Perhaps I should develop a screenplay for a potential sequel to The Break-Up. I’ll do it on one condition: Jennifer Aniston must appear naked in the sequel.

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