Seven Deadly Sins

Captured in beloved Christmas songs.

Yes, I know it’s only November, but a local radio station last weekend conducted “Rule of Three’s Wall-to-Wall Christmas Song Weekend Extravaganza,” which they felt comfortable mounting with Halloween in the rearview mirror. Now, in the interest of transparency, I must admit that this wasn’t the actual promotional tag the radio station deployed - this tag was developed by Rule of Three’s Marketing & Promotion Campaign Development team (“Need to develop a killer promotional campaign? Call Rule of Three’s Marketing & Promotion Campaign Development team now! Reasonable rates.”) - I cannot recall the actual promotional tagline used.

But, listening to these holiday classics got me thinking that it’s a seasonally appropriate time right now for Rule of Three to provide listening advice to its valued readers, a surprising number of whom have ears. Although it might not seem to be true, many of these beloved Christmas songs contain cautionary tales regarding critical societal issues; Rule of Three intends to highlight those warnings for you. So, without further ado, Rule of Three, armed with the wherewithal to deliver the goods, herewith and forthwith provides that specific advice:

• Frosty the Snowman - Frosty might appear to be a happy-go-lucky adventurer, simply enjoying a day out and about with his pals, much like a frozen Ferris Bueller, but, there is definitely an undercurrent of fear regarding climate change: “Let’s run, and we’ll have some fun now, before I melt away.” Oh, Frosty, if it were only that easy to run away from the most significant challenge facing our planet.

• Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer - this tune is of more recent vintage, joining the lineup of classic Christmas songs in 1979. It seems lighthearted enough, I suppose, but, a woman was killed according to the song’s lyrics, and, alcoholism (“She’d been drinkin’ too much egg nog”), if it played a role in her death, is no joke.

• The Grinch Theme Song - the Grinch does achieve redemption at the end of theatrical retellings of this story, both in the original cartoon version, and in subsequent live-action films, but he is originally portrayed as an odious character (the first line in the song is: “You’re a mean one, Mr. Grinch.”). Still, even if the other person, er, green being in question is not a nice guy, is that any reason for name-calling? “You’re a three decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce!” C’mon, man!

• A Holly Jolly Christmas - healthcare professionals have long indicated that clinical depression is a medical condition which is heightened during the holidays - it’s even been christened, “Christmas depression.” And, having Burl Ives loudly proclaim in this song, “It’s the best time of the year,” cannot be helpful to those suffering from depression. Also, let’s not forget Elvis Presley’s rendition of Blue Christmas (“I'll be so blue just thinking about you.”). Or, providing a competing view: It’s The Most Wonderful Time of The Year (“It's the most wonderful time of the year.”)

• I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus - given the oft-quoted statistic of 50% of U.S. marriages ending in divorce, it’s troubling, to say the least, to have in our regular rotation of Christmas songs one which clearly encourages adultery: “I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus, underneath the mistletoe last night.”

• Deck the Halls - when you hear the the line, “Don we now our gay apparel, Fa la la la la la la la!” are you picturing the lineup of the band, Village People, complete with the Native American, the cop, the cowboy, the construction worker, the soldier and the biker, stepping up to belt out Y.M.C.A.? No, me neither. But, kudos to Deck the Halls for standing proud in support of the LGBTQIA+ narrative.

• Do You Hear What I Hear? - similarly, this holiday classic shines a light on the challenges faced by the young, hearing-impaired, sheep-herding community (“Said the little lamb to the shepherd boy, do you hear what I hear?”)

• Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas - in addition to providing support for LGBTQIA+ issues (“Make the Yule-tide gay”), this song acknowledges the travails regularly faced by palm readers and Tarot card readers (“Through the years we all will be together, if the Fates allow.”)

• I’ll Be Home For Christmas - now, I usually experience the issue spotlighted in this Christmas song with contractors from whom I am seeking estimates or commitments to perform work at my home: they promise to perform a task by a specific date and time (including agreeing to meet me at a specific date and time), and then simply don’t meet the commitment. But, I understand that some people attempt to gather loved ones at Christmastime, and, are occasionally left hanging (“I’ll be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams.”); the loved one, in this case appears to be hedging his bet, by steadfastly agreeing to be there for Christmas, but, if he gets a better offer, or would simply prefer to lounge on the couch and eat leftover Chinese food, while watching ESPN, would throw over his loved ones in an instant, rationalizing his actions by suggesting that he was there in spirit (“. . .if only in my dreams.”)

• The Little Drummer Boy - we all know the financial pain caused by being invited to a wedding - you gotta’ bring a gift, and there’s travel and hotel cost; yeah, you do get to enjoy dinner, and, certainly drinks, in exchange for doing the hokey-pokey, but, let’s face it, the ROI is usually upside down. And, don’t get me started on destination weddings. Now, being invited to a christening is a little less onerous, but, a gift for the baby is certainly expected. So, I think we can all empathize with the dilemma of the poor Little Drummer Boy, who laments that, “I am a poor boy too, pa rum pum pum pum, I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum, that’s fit to give our King.” So, after much agonizing, amidst the “pa rum pum pum” this and the “pa rum pum pum” that, he decides to play his drum for the baby, which was probably delightful, given that he’s got the word, “Drummer” right there in his name, but I have to imagine that a few weeks later, as Mary is writing her thank-you notes, she wonders aloud to her husband, Joseph: “Remind me, what gift did the Little Drummer Boy bring?” And, after Joseph gently reminds her, she quickly scribbles, “Thanks so much for the loud banging - it’s the dream of every new mother.”

• Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - this song attacks the issue of bullying head-on (“All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names.”).

• Santa Baby - perhaps more than any other Christmas classic, this tune aligns quite nicely with one of your more popular Seven Deadly Sins: greed. Let’s tote ‘em up, as they used to do on the TV game shows. There’s: “. . .just slip a sable under the tree for me,” and “. . .a ’54 convertible too, light blue,” and “. . .I want a yacht and really that’s not a lot,” and “there’s one thing I really do need, the deed – to a platinum mine,” and “. . .I’m filling my stocking with the duplex, and checks, sign your ‘X’ on the line,” and “. . .trim my Christmas tree with some decorations bought at Tiffany” and “. . .forgot to mention one little thing, a ring, I don’t mean a phone.”

• Santa Claus is Coming to Town - stalking, according to Merriam-Webster is “the act or crime of willfully and repeatedly following or harassing another person in circumstances that would cause a reasonable person to fear injury or death especially because of express or implied threats.” I don’t know about you, but I believe that a certain line in this song represents the textbook definition of stalking: “He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake.”

• The Twelve Days of Christmas - eharmony.com features an article entitled, “Is Loving too Much Dangerous? How to Know the Signs and the Risks.” Using such strong words as: smothering, suffocating and micromanaging, the piece details the risks of stifling relationships, and steps you can take to escape the damage such relationships cause. This might be a good read for “my true love,” who is depicted in this song lavishing the singer, over a period of twelve days (Ed. note: Christmas is traditionally cast as a single day event, so a reasonable person might consider twelve straight days to be excessive) with: “Twelve drummers drummin', Eleven pipers pipin', Ten lords a leapin', Nine ladies dancin', Eight maids milkin', Seven swans a swimmin', Six geese a layin', Five golden rings! Four calling birds, Three french hens, Two turtle doves, And a partridge in a pear tree!” Restraint is definitely called for here, before having to resort to a restraining order.

• White Christmas - “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas” A nostalgic memory of a snow-drenched Christmas Day, or a white nationalist anthem? You be the judge.

• Baby, It’s Cold Outside - this song, which features a dialogue between a woman who is attempting to leave a gentleman’s home at the end of a date and that gentleman (“I really can't stay (But, baby, it's cold outside”) doesn’t specifically mention roofies (i.e. the date rape drug), but, at one point she does wonder, “Say, what’s in this drink?” Circumstantial evidence, you might say? Perhaps. Ladies, be careful out there.

• Winter Wonderland - this song features not just one, but two separate ideations regarding snowmen: the first (“In the meadow, we can build a snowman, and pretend that he is Parson Brown. He'll say, ‘Are you married?’ We'll say, ‘No man.’ But you can do the job when you're in town.”), suggests an implausible belief that a snowman is legally authorized by the state to perform marriage ceremonies; and the second one (“In the meadow, we can build a snowman, and pretend that he's a circus clown. We'll have lots of fun with Mr. Snowman; yes, until the other kiddies knock him down.”), seemingly encourages violence against a hard-working member of the clown community, who is simply trying to make ends meet in this inflation-ravaged environment.

You never knew there was so much to be learned by listening to “Rule of Three’s Wall-to-Wall Christmas Song Weekend Extravaganza,” did you? You’re welcome.

You don’t have to be a believer in sinister conspiracy theories to recognize the very real social issues lurking just below the surface in these holiday classics - there’s real pain and suffering there. So. . .Merry Christmas, all!

You think this piece was enlightening?  Just wait for the next installment in the series, when we explode Easter myths, including the six-foot-tall bunny, the real story behind jelly beans and the ham vs. lamb controversy.  Simply type your email address and click the button below to subscribe - it's free, man!