Social Media Post Management
Rule of Three's "Rule No. 2 Compliance Division" launches the "Social Media Post Editing Tool."
Rule of Three’s “Rule No. 2 Compliance Division” (as a reminder, Rule No. 2 is the one about not being a douchebag) has noticed, during its exhaustive research, that many social media practitioners post items which appear to violate Rule No. 2 (no, not you, dedicated weekly readers of Rule of Three - we’re quite certain that you are not violating this critical rule, because you have demonstrated that you are members of an intelligent, self-aware, discerning society, whose members take preventive measures to ensure that Rule No. 2 violations are minimized. . .at least as far as we know).
But, evidence of these violations committed by others abound. And, it appears as if these transgressions fall into one of three distinct categories (Really? It’s a surprise to you that we have identified three distinct categories? Are you even paying attention when you read this column? It’s as if you don’t even know me): excessive display of “PDA” (“Public Display of Affection”); over-sharing of personal behavioral details; and posts which reflect ignorance and general stupidity, suggesting that you may, in fact, be a moron.
But, fear not - the “Rule No. 2 Compliance Division” has engineered an application designed to review and “scrub” proposed posts, prior to posting to social media applications, effectively preventing unnecessary embarrassment and shame from being heaped upon the poster. This tool has been branded the "Social Media Post Editing Tool.” Although we’re big fans of acronyms here at Rule of Three, we’re reluctant to deploy one here, because we fear that Googling “SM-PET” might inadvertently surface objectionable content not tied directly to enabling social media posters to avoid Rule No. 2 violations.
We are proud to provide you with a glimpse into the development of this valuable tool, and share with you the key components which have informed our review and editing algorithms. Perhaps the best way to demonstrate the efficacy of this tool is to share examples of its impact upon actual proposed posts; included here are the “before” and “after” posts, including detailed notes regarding review and editing steps performed.
Excessive Display of PDA
“Before” Post
“I’m so happy to have spent the past twelve years with you, “Hubs,” and can’t wait to see what the next twelve years will bring. You are a most amazing human to spend time with, and are an incredible father to our two amazing children, Zoe, and Hank, who love you with all their hearts. Happy Anniversary, “Smoochy-Bear” - I love you very much!”
Review and Editing Notes
Alright, I think we can agree that affectionate pet names, such as “Hubs,” and “Smoochy-Bear” are a bit cloying, and simply do not belong in any social media post. Let’s also ensure that “Sugar-Dumpling,” “Pookie-Butt,” and “Midnight Cowboy” are removed as a matter of course (Note: not intended to be an exhaustive list - the application will exclude virtually anything that smacks of excessive PDA). Also, twelve years - what is that, like the “Paper Clip Anniversary?” Give me something I can work with - something that at least begins with a “3.” And, speaking of twelve years, what is the implication of the “next twelve years?” Is this woman so committed to symmetry that she is attempting to wax poetic, or is she, more nefariously, suggesting that twenty-four years is a pretty good run, and that it’s likely that will be it - they will then each go their separate ways at that point? She has also managed to pack two “amazings” and one “incredible” into the same sentence - hyperbole, much? We can certainly appreciate that she has clarified that she is talking about a human, rather than a hamster - I was confused for a moment. Now, Zoe is kind of a hip, trendy name, but Hank? Honestly? That will have to be revised. Also, I understand why the word “love” is tossed around so cavalierly here (it is an anniversary, after all), but the application will not allow an excessive number of emojis to be attached, as a result - one is the acceptable number.
“After” Post
“Happy Anniversary, to my husband! With love from your wife, and your two children, Zoe, and H.J.”
Over-Sharing of Personal Behavioral Details
“Before” Post
“Day Six of Our Fabulous Island Getaway Vacation: I’m delighted to share more photos of our exciting family adventure, including the kids frolicking in the super-sized swimming pool, and the cute little umbrella drinks we enjoyed, and the enormous chocolate lava cake ‘Hubs’ and I shared at dinner last night. All I can say is that the ‘Hyatt Tropical Adventure Resort’ does not disappoint! Oh, and guess who we saw lounging by the pool yesterday? Khloe’ Kardashian! How about that?”
Review and Editing Notes
Hmm. . .where to begin? Unless you’ve been commissioned by Travel & Leisure magazine to report on “Fabulous Island Getaway Vacation Spots,” you are forbidden from headlining your post in that fashion, and in publishing a series of posts associated with that theme. Further, social media applications are not daily planners, in which you recount every single thought and activity that you have engaged in that day. Photographs are acceptable, however, guidelines limit them to simple family portraits, and they must not reflect family members participating in activities not also readily available to any other family located in their own home; it goes without saying that pictures of food are strictly forbidden. Also, I must express my concern about your lack of commitment to a healthy diet - I know you’re on vacation, but, sugary umbrella drinks, and enormous chocolate lava cake are not part of the National Institutes of Health recommended daily dietary regimen. I thought we had stricken use of “Hubs,” and other such objectionable pet names - further evidence of the critical need for this editing application. And, unless this post is labeled, “Sponsored Advertising Message,” you are not allowed to bang the drum for a commercial enterprise, such as you have done, by highlighting “Hyatt Tropical Adventure Resort” in your post. Celebrity sightings should be kept to yourself - they are there vacationing, and do not seek the spotlight, except in the case of the Kardashian clan, and thankfully, our algorithms have been customized to strike any and all references to any member of the Kardashian family, because we simply don’t want to participate in any way, shape or form in stoking that P.R. dumpster-fire.
“After” Post
“We are happy to share simple family portraits with you, including my husband and I, and our children.”
Posts Which Reflect Ignorance and General Stupidity, Suggesting That, You May, In Fact, be a Moron
“Before” Post
“Loving my Doritos! Why is Meatloaf not in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (Ed. note: I originally reflected ABBA in this soundbite, because I thought that ABBA being nominated for membership in the Hall of Fame sounded absurd, but the Rule of Three research team pointed out that ABBA was, in fact, inducted in 2010 - admittedly, Meatloaf doesn’t yield the same comedic punch, but I’m sure Mr. Loaf has his rabid fans)? I own a stylin’ pair of white shoes, and damn it, I intend to wear them after Labor Day this year! I read the other day that you should vary the direction you cut your lawn, in order to stimulate healthy growth of the blades of grass - I wonder if the same theory applies to combing your hair?”
Review and Editing Notes
It’s clear that you have many varied interests, and that you feel you must share your opinions with others. Your post resembles nothing more than a mosh-pit. Permit me to suggest that your post travels perilously close to the edge of the ignorance and general stupidity cliff, it being heavily-populated with banal and inane observations. Thankfully, our application has been designed for this very occasion. Firstly, although Rule of Three agrees that Doritos are indeed a delightful snack (particularly the Cool Ranch version), we do wonder why you feel it necessary to shout their praises from the rooftop. Setting that aside for the moment, however, you are encouraged to write in complete sentences - i.e. “I am loving my Doritos!" After all, social media is not a text-thread. And, lest we forget, promotion of a particular brand, without disclosure of a paid sponsorship arrangement, is forbidden. Now, I’m not sure how members are nominated for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, but I agree with you that Meatloaf belongs there - ABBA, I’m not so sure. We covered the issue of white shoes extensively in a recent post - I don’t think there’s anything further to be said. And, finally, regarding your lawn, and your hair: What the hell are you talking about?
“After” Post
I’m gratified that Rule of Three’s “Rule No. 2 Compliance Division” has stepped forward to provide this valuable "Social Media Post Editing Tool," which will no doubt prevent countless awkward and embarrassing posts on social media platforms. We can only hope that we’re not too late.
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